Really!!
My husband and I have been together for eleven years. My SD is twenty four now, still living with us. She holds a job maybe a month and gets fired. She only works about twenty hours a week. She just got her license at 23. She doesn't help do anything around the house, doesn't keep her room clean or the bathroom which are downstairs. Their disgusting and I have to ask my husband to ask her to clean them. He's been asking her for over a month now and she ignores him. She doesn't talk to me and treats me like crap. She curses at me, tries to change the situation or story when we get into it. She tells her dad on me constantly like a little kid. She won't pay us any kind of rent. She'll be gone a week at a time living in her car with her homeless boyfriend. She'll come home filthy and stinks! I've tried to talk to my husband about having her get a full time job or getting her GED but she won't listen. He's never been stern or firm with her. He doesn't want to deal with any of her issues. She can't do anything for herself and knows her dad won't enforce anything. My husband and I have a great marriage and everything is perfect when she isn't around. My SD mom died about eight years ago from alcoholism and drug overdose. I feel he enables her because of this. She won't go to counseling and she acts just like her mom. She hangs out with the homeless and drinks n does drugs but her dad turns the other cheek to it. This is just some of the things going on. I feel like I'm going crazy! I thought I would look on the internet for something to read about this and this site came up. I can't believe how many others are going through this! I love my husband and he's good to me but somehow this has to stop. I really can't make it on my own if I were to leave. I'm going insane! Any advice would be welcomed.
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Hello to life time challenges
I feel sorry for you, best thing is for the three of you to go for conselling, its really sad that when we marry these men with baggage (step kids) we really are blind to what we are signing up for and we are naive thinking love conquers all. Our eyes are only opened once we in the marriage and things we have never imagined start popping up. When you marry a man with a child you sign up for taking all the bullshit the child will throw your way! Father's are naturally lenient human beings, its hard for them to be strict and firm with children.
Raising kids and disciplining them has always been a woman's job, but since the child is not yours you cannot do that without being judged as abusive or hateful. You are not allowed to even complain because you will be accused of so much. You just have to take in the bullshit. Fact that the child is not yours, you do not have that unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness towards the child and you are unable to discipline the child as you see fit. The dad will make excuses for the child and not want them punished. That's what makes being a step mom hard and challenging.
No one wants to take bull shit from a child who is not theirs and isnt related to them at all. We easily end up hateful and resentful of our step children and wishing they were never born!!! I think being a step dad is much better because they dont get to deal with the children, or be responsible for them in terms of washing, cooking etc so it does not affect them much to have a step child in the house. As women being given that extra responsibility of washing and caring for another woman's child adds to our cries. It is not fair and it is not nice, it is not rewarding. It brings out the worst in people as it sucks out their peace and happiness and replace it with depression, anger and frustrations.
Maybe you should consider leaving, i doubt the situation will get better or be patient and pray for a change. At the mean time try your best to ignore your step child and her behaviour and focus on loving your DH and do things that make you happy that keep you from thinking too much. Go out and have fun, hang out with your friends and keep busy.
You're stuck.
You're stuck.
Go to counseling with or without them. If you find a good one (it's a crap shoot), you might get some ideas on how to move your husband to act. If you can get him to go, all the better.
No good counselor is going to endorse the drugs and alcohol, using your house like a hotel, or paying for her wreckless lifestyle.
I'd approach everything with your husband from a "what's best for SD" angle -- don't talk about how miserable you are, talk about how worried you are for SD's future. At 23 without even a GED, you're totally stuck with her. As long as she has drugs to keep her busy and a place to shower whenever she wants, nothing will change.
You need to move him toward tough love, but it's going to take a long time and probably a referee (a therapist) to help you get him moving. I'd use all the scare tactics in the toolbox: family history of addiction, SD's lack of education, "How will you feel if you get that call in the middle of the night that SD overdosed and died???" But do it with the backup of a therapist to get behind what you're saying so you won't be the only voice saying it.
Another approach if that doesn't work would be to pay for SD to live elsewhere (and die elsewhere). Of course, it's expensive, but it might save your marriage.
If all this doesn't work, you can start telling him you don't want to be a party to SD's impending doom. Threaten to walk if he doesn't do something, anything, to save her OR save your marriage.
I feel for you -- you're in a real bind if he does nothing. Scare him to death that SD won't come home some night. I think that's your only hope.