Court Ordered Counselor recommends that SO become a Disney Dad
So my SO got court ordered counseling since he has not seen his 15 year old daughter in over 6 months.
They have had two sessions. The most recent was yesterday.
Here are the results of two sessions - the counselor said all this in front of the 15 year old:
1. Since we are a blended family we should have two sets of rules - Yours and Mine. She did not discuss the basic guidelines of the household like respect for others and for the house you live in.
2. That the children need to learn every lesson in life the hard way. She said "let the kids stay up all night texting and keep an eye on their grades - if they fail then you can step in". She also stated that using a parental control and restricting hours of use on a phone should not be done.
3. She told my SO that since he only has the kids EOW and Wednesday night that they should not have any responsibility (except for themselves and maybe their room). His limited time should be kept to the fun side.
4. She said since my kids are there more that they should have more responsibility and should be treated differently.
5. She said the other parent should not get involved in discipline. I agree with this completely.
6. Everything in my fault and I am the reason that SD15 does not come over. The only fault she will give her father is that we fight all the time but she says that is my fault too.
I am shocked that she would say stuff like this in front of SD15. She has just given the girl permission to come into my home and do whatever she pleases. The most punishment this woman suggests is taking away a cell phone for a day.
Has this woman forgotten that this girl has pissed on my toothbrush , got caught sneaking out, is in a sexual relationship with her boyfriend and was suspended for drugs at the beginning of the school year and brought drugs into my home? Not to mention that her mother is totally into PAS.
I hate being a step parent. I have tried so hard, read many books, spent hours trolling this site and have done my best. I give up. I can no longer do it. It is so sad because if you take away the blended family we get along amazingly well but we come with kids and I know that I am a package deal.
My SO and I have been in couples counseling since January and have discussed many of these issues and have been guided by our counselor and now I have this court ordered counselor saying the complete opposite.
I am just venting. I am moving out, just waiting to see if the bank will accept my offer on a short sale property. Please say a prayer for me that I can get moved out soon. For now I have moved into the absent SD's room.
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Comments
Maybe I have got confused -
Maybe I have got confused - is your SD 15, or the court ordered counsellor 15? Because it certainly sounds as if she is! It's like a 15 year old "if I were king for a day I would abolish bedtime" list of instructions.
I can understand your reasons for moving out. I am not so far off that position myself, due to recent developments, and I have been an SM for a decade. It wears you down.
Gasp!!!! She really said
Gasp!!!! She really said that, and in front of SD? I WOULD BE GETTING A DIFFERENT COUNSELOR. She has no idea what she just did to bolster an entitled attitude with a 15yr old!!!! I would drop her ass so fast and tell her exactly why, OMG!!!
This counselor was appointed
This counselor was appointed by the court. She is to report to the magistrate her "findings". I am appalled that they would pick this kind of person. Especially given SD15's screw ups!
That is why you take your
That is why you take your first visit with the counselor to "interview" them. Ask questions about if they have awareness of step- situations and how hard they are. Ask if they have a bias towards step-kids and if they can be fair in their judgements. I told a counselor who started in on how unfair something was to the ss, that I was there for taking care of myself, not there to find ways to be fair to the ss,then went on to set her straight on the actions of this kid towards me, and I would not put myself in the place of caring about fairness to HIM. Took her aback, but she totally got my point.
My fear too sap. I have found
My fear too sap. I have found some peace in disengagement and I am not interested in becoming a mom to the skids in any way. I am afraid to go see a counselor in fear of them telling DH that I should be mom. DH wants that more than anything. I have my own 2 bios and am raising them without DH having to be dad.
The skids have a mom, I am not it, she has them 50% of the time, I do not need to step in, and I will not step in under DHs way of doing things, its against every fiber in my body so its best that he raises his kids in this house and leave me to raise mine.
I keep thinking I would like to talk to somebody but concerned it may just make things worse than they are.
That is HORRENDOUS!! We had
That is HORRENDOUS!!
We had court ordered counselling to, SD was the worst category juvenile delinquent they had and nothing worked on her. I could regale you with stories about it all but I want to stay positive, I hear that a 'positive' state of mind is the only way to go in these situations?! Ohh dear!
Fortunately one of the counsellors had an iota of common sense and she listened to me and to DH. Her words for me were that I should disengage from the twins...yes SD has a twin brother who is just more 'plausible' than she is...and let daddy handle it. Her thinking was that the kids would, God willing, grow up and move on and it would be DH and I who would be standing up long after it was all over. She is absolutely right too. She told me that SD was pushing my buttons because I allowed it, very true! I located and switched off every single button I had and the change was pretty instant too! On seeing that she was not winning with me SD turned her focus on daddy and he pretty soon got tired of it and dished out some tough love. What I came to realize was that DH really did share my grief with it all, he just couldn't bring himself to break down because it was too hectic at the time. With hindsight his comment to me was 'I do not have the luxury of time to dwell on these issues' and I took it as a slur but the reality is that he was right. We work as a team now, to the point whereby SD accused us of 'doubleteaming' against her? That's funny!!
I saw the opportunity to disengage when the two of them were in cahoots upstairs and yelled down to me that I am not their mom and they do not have to do as I say. I promptly told them, in front of their father, that they are absolutely correct, furthermore I do not have to do mom things with or for them. They really would cut off their own noses to spite their faces at times and this was their biggest mistake. DH smiled, he knew I'd come to the end of my tether and I also realized that I had to stand up for myself, by myself and he THEN gave them even more tough love. It really does seem like daddy is willing to let SM get to the end of her rope before he does something about a situation. I get that it's busy, I get that he has responsibilities and that disagreements seem like petty quarrels to him. Once I got that I should 'pick my battles' and ignore the goading comments, disengage from them, things really did improve and DH saw first hand what I was dealing with. SKids could no longer go to him and plausibly blame me for their own wrongdoings since I had nothing to do with the issues. They basically did it to themselves! I made it happen by following good counsel.
I agree with you. I also
I agree with you. I also believe that shrinks living vicariously through their clients.
Finding a good therapist can
Finding a good therapist can be hard. While I totally disagree w/ what yours said about skids should have no household responsibilites, but bios should have some; at least she doesn't subscribe to the theory that no children should have any responsibilities. However, she does seem to subscribe to the "natural consequences" theory of discipline, so yeah, drop her. Trust me when I say absolutely *nothing* good will come of that.