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Cautiously Optimistic

Lostandconfusedlady's picture

Submitted by Lostandconfusedlady on Fri, 09/04/2020 - 5:52am

DH and I had a lengthy talk about SD and having an ours baby.  I laid everything out there, my concerns about bm and sd.  My worry about how it would impact our family and never wanting to feel isolated in our home.  At first DH was very sad, he had this perfect image of SD coming to live with us full time and being raised with ours babies.  

The next day he told me he had been thinking about what I said and that I'm his priority.  He will follow my lead when it comes to how and when to integrate SD into our family dynamics and he agrees he needs to get custody before that can happen.  He also said that any rules we have in our home will also apply to SD regardless of what bm does at her home and if it becomes unsafe or she cannot respect this he will go back to visiting her in her home state.  

He is still paying for SD every month and has yet to contact a lawyer.  I gave him a very generous deadline to be in touch with lawyers in her home state (December) due to COVID and us living far plus the crazy hours he's been working.  I told him I would rather end things than planning my life around a hcbm and her whims.  He also apologized for his comment about spending his money on SD, he acknowledged it's our money as my career has been put on hold while I'm moving with him every 7-8 months for his career.  To be honest the money doesn't bother me as he has a great job and I had a pretty good work from home job but I need to know I can trust him so that our investments and savings for a home are safe.  I'm feeling pretty empowered and also a bit nervous that he might just be telling me these things so I'm not upset with him.

I want to take this opportunity to draw up an agreement with DH around expectations and boundaries with BM and SD.  I know it wouldn't be legally binding, more of a guide for how things should go moving forward.  I would love suggestions as to what to include, I know I want to have stipulations in it about college expenses, launch expectations, inheritance information (I'm thinking our estate goes to one another and if we both pass 50% is the portion left to my children split evenly (I currently have 0 so this would go to my parents and brother) and 50% is the portion split between his children evenly).  I want my marriage to be successful long term and I'm hoping by planning and having all of these important details worked out it will prevent issues later in life.  Yes, I know people change their minds but for me I think it will be a big relief.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 09/04/2020 - 6:32am

I'm sorry - your DH is delusional. He has zero legal rights to the child and thinks he's going to get full custody? He's not. He's not even going to get any visitation unless both BM and the legal father agree to it, and yet, he hasn't even consulted an attorney. He'd rather throw money at the BM than face the reality of his situation. 
 

Don't bother with an agreement about her launching and college expenses, that will feed his delusion - instead insist on marriage counseling and let a professional help him face the truth of this situation. 
 

 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 09/04/2020 - 6:40am

Does he understand that, although he is her biological father, he is not her legal father and therefore has no rights? He has not a hope of getting any kind of custody of this child and the day bm and her husband decide they no longer want him to see the child that will be the end of things. Throwing money at bm is going to get him nowhere. The only tiny chance he has is finding a pit bull lawyer and even then only snowball's chance in Hell.

Frankly, if he's still carrying on like this and doing absolutely zilch, and seeing as you're already considering calling it a day, if I were you I'd throw in the towel and move on with my life.

Good luck.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 09/04/2020 - 6:57am

He's like the smoker with a cough who puts off a visit to the doctor because he doesn't want to be told he has cancer. He knows an attorney will poke holes in his fantasy and denial. 

The_Upgrade's picture

Submitted by The_Upgrade on Fri, 09/04/2020 - 8:35am

You can write whatever you want in your wills. What's more worrying is what are the odds it's going to be challenged and what are the odds the challenger is going to succeed. 

For example my DH has an estranged adult daughter and a toddler. If he leaves everything to me his adult daughter can still challenge the will on the basis that she's his daughter, she's in need of funds and adequate provision hasn't been set aside. Even if she fails, all court costs come out of the estate so it's still going to be a drain. Which is why everything is in joint names or in my name. SD can take 50% of DH's assets when he dies and by then it'll only be 5% of our asset pool. We can't afford to risk losing 50% of everything to her if DH gets hit by a bus tomorrow and DD is still aged 2. And in the event we all die in a freak accident I've left my money to go to my family and his extended fanily, not his toxic ex and daughter.

You may say money isn't a problem now but you don't have kids. I once thought like that. But now I need to worry about keeping a roof over my daughter's head. What kind of school I'm going to enroll her in. Extracurricular activities and sports. What kind of lifestyle we can afford. Money will matter. You both need to seek legal advice on where your DH's bio daughter stands in inheritance laws as she's not his legal daughter. He has acknowledged her as his daughter which means she is still recognised as his. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 09/04/2020 - 10:42am

Hello. Maybe I missed something. I read both of your posts, but Im still confused.

Someone commented that your DH got his ex pregnant while she was married to another man?

Is your Dh's name in the birth certificate?

Qustioning bringing a child into the worl. Well, if you REALLY want kiddos you should go for it. I REALLY regret not ding it when I had the chance.

Instead of agreements draw up post nups and wills.

Why is your DH giving money? BM could ge him for possible back support. Its considered a gift, with no court order.

If SD is an unctrollable brat now, she will get worse over time.

 

GrudgingSM's picture

Submitted by GrudgingSM on Fri, 09/04/2020 - 3:25pm

So I'm not personally opposed to the idea of writing stuff out, and I have done so with my DH. We did a shared GoogleDoc and wrote out each of our visions of what holidays would look like and chores for kids and all of that stuff. That way we were both creating it. But it can't be just good talk or even nodding in agreement--stuff has to CHANGE. And change does take time, but if all he ever does is soothe you or say you're right, that's crap, and somehow worse than disagreeing with you (imo).

ALSO, the fact that he has fantasies of full custody means he lives in fantasyland, maybe all the time or maybe just about her, I don't know, but be very careful that he's not just telling you (and himself!) the "right" thing or the ideal. And that level of not being in reailty is worrisome.