Does anyone else feel this way ?
In high conflict divorce/coparenting situations, does anyone else ever feel the urge to give up ?
it's easy for me because it is not my kid. Not to say it is easy. I have cared for these children for a long time albeit short spurts due to scheduling.
The older of the two will graduate soon and I find myself unable to picture a relationship with them and DH (our household) when it isn't scripted by a judge/ divorce document.
I need to read some transition stories - good / bad / etc. I don't know what this is going to look like if anything. DH seems to be the type to sit and wait and see what happens. I envy that character trait.
I'm lucky in that there is no possibility of moving in with us. Already picked school and is in mommy's home state.
Do they regularly scheduled calls/FAceTimes in cour order just go away and you hope kid calls DH?
Do you fly younger sibling out for Christmas and if older can make it great if not oh well.
How much should DH be doing to maintain a relationship that is barely a relationship now with forced time constraints?
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We have given up on any
We have given up on any relationship with my SS17 at all at this point. For us, not even the court mandates mattered.
Is your DH grieving in any
Is your DH grieving in any way? Mine tends to flip flop about the subject. One minute he's angry at the situation next sad.
Honestly I just want to be done.
For years it's been all about these kids - lives being turned upside down to deal with the drama.
I'm tired - she wins - I just want to be done .
He is. Sometimes it's sadness
He is. Sometimes it's sadness, sometimes anger and sometimes nothing at all.
It is such a hard and unfair thing to watch and be helpless to save them from the pain.
I think my situation makes it worse because my kids are close to their dad and we all know that they will continue to have a good relationship with him into adulthood. So DH sees what could have been if his ex wasn't such a vindictive B.
Yes I can imagine seeing your
Yes I can imagine seeing your kids relationship with their dad does hurt just that much more for your DH.
I often in the early years would think if DH and I had a kid together how much closer the "fantasy" kid and DH would be. I almost wanted to have one just to right the wrongs. But I quickly realized that was no reason to have a child.
I hope your DH heals and you both get some relief. You all don't deserve the amount of drama you've been saddled with.
There will be moments of
There will be moments of sadness, moments of confusion about how you should feel ( ignore those they induce guilt which is never good). There will be adjustment anytime a kid grows up. It's harder when PAS is involved. We are 4 years out from YSD graduating HS and looking at her last year in college. She is still in touch with DH, he never lost her. The other 3 have nothing to do with DH. Maybe a polite hello if they cross paths.
As for you, there will be room for all kinds of possibilities for your relationship with DH. Accept he will waver with his emotions until he settles into acceptance of this new phase. Plan some fun stuff, something to look forward to. Go back to living your lives for yourselves. It's nice to not have skid ( and bios) drama be the focus of life. We have our 13bd to finish raising , the rest are in their 20's. Life is good. We chose to not dwell and not get stuck. Do take the time to grieve what should have been, then let it go. That's what I would tell your DH.
Yes the guilt - thanks for
Yes the guilt - thanks for the words of encouragement and also reminder to not get stuck! I think we both need to hear and remeber that!
Ours launched at 18. The three of us have remained close.
However, his mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before SS-29 turned 2yo. So I am the only full time dad he has ever really known though he has always had a relationship with the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan.
He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.
IMHO the key for our enjoyable blended family is that when his mom agreed to marry me, she made me an equity when we became equity life partners. I would not have accepted anything less and she would not have demanded anything less.
That all said. SS has had little interaction with his SpermClan since he aged out from under the CO and they no longer had to pay CS. They have made nearly zero effort with him, he reciprocates though puts in far more effort than they do.
In that sense, I suppose SS's relationship with BioDad, and the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool mirrors in some ways what you expect to be the outcome when your SS ages out from under the CO.
OSS is in college and lives
OSS is in college and lives with us during breaks. He never calls/texts DH unless he needs something or to let him know that he's coming home. DH tries to give him his privacy and leaves him be, though occasionally will text to make sure he's alive.
Because DH only had EOWE visitation when the kids were growing up, it hasn't been that odd to not have OSS here. It's actually more odd that he's here for summers and breaks because it's the most DH has ever been able to spend with OSS since he was a small child. DH isn't particularly close with his parents, either, so I think it is/will be pretty natural for OSS to be intermittently involved once he is fully on his own.
YSK will be a different story. I think that will hit differently because they live with us full time. I think they'll do similar to OSS, which DH is prepared for and okay with. The person who has and will probably have a harder time with it is BM (but she has kinda dug her own grave/made her own bed with that).
Parents who accept that it's normal and healthy for kids to fly the nest have an easier time with their kids getting older. Divorced parents who recognize that 18 isn't a magic number where the kids will suddenly want a different relationship will also do better.