I've been reading here for a long time now, but very rarely post and must say I have learned alot. Thank you for that! Currently, me and FDH are not living together, mainly because of his kids and partly because I haven't sold or rented out my house. The problem we have the most is his son(18 this month). FSS has a very high opinion of himself and thinks that everyone should always tell him how wonderful he is and that everyone's world should revolve around him. It doesn't help that FDH and the BM allow all this.

I'm sorry that this is going to be long. The latest problem we are having happened over the past couple of weeks and came to the explosion part this past weekend. A little over a week ago FDH & I had a talk about everything (for the 100th time) and I told him that my DD(16) & I would not move into his house until he stopped putting his son & daughter(almost 16) on a pedestal and treating them like they are perfect. I also told him that if he hasn't noticed, I had been slowly disengaging from them when they are over there (he has every other week custody). He said he did notice and he didn't like it. I told him that I had informed him previously, that it was HIS responsibility to cook & clean when his kids were there and that I would not get involved due to the fact that FSS is always complaining about anything that I do or say. FDH said oh so when you move in you're not going to cook or clean when MY kids are here. I said, no, I'm not. I will do my dishes, clean up after myself and my dd, but that no, I would NOT cook, clean, do his kids laundry, vaccuum their rooms etc. that they were old enough to do these things and that I would NOT be a maid for them. We continued on for a bit and I finally decided that we were talking in circles and he was defending his kids even more that I said I had to leave.

Then, this past Friday, he called to tell me that BM bought FSS a brand new car. I kept my mouth shut and didn't say what I was thinking. FDH said he was going to go for a ride with his son and go pick up his daughter and I said okay, I have some things to do so we'll catch up tomorrow. On Saturday, I went over to FDH's house and when I walked in, his daughter was laying on the couch in the den, FDH was in the living room and his son was not home. FDH had already put dinner in the oven. A little bit later, his son shows up and drops his stuff on the floor for the week and FDH and him talked. He said hi, I said hi back end of conversation between us. FSS then left to take FSD to her job. FDH and I sit down to eat dinner. As I was finishing FSS walks back in goes and sits down and starts talking to his dad. I put my plate and stuff in the dishwasher and go to take the dog outside. While I was outside, I heard them talking (they talk really loud half the time). I couldn't really make out everything being said, but I heard my name. So I go back into the house and FDH says to FSS we'll talk about it later. Okay, no biggied, I tell FDH that I'm going up to the pet store as I had to get something for my dog. He ends up coming with me. On the way back, I had asked him something and he answered really snippy. I looked at him and said what is your problem, why are you being so snippy. Wrong thing to do!

He ends up telling me that HIS SON (and he stresses this) was a little upset because I wasn't talking to him. (translation: I didn't make a big deal about him getting a brand new car or even comment about it). I kinda laughed and said, okay, I didn't see him try to talk to me, he said hi I said hi back and that was the end of it. I continued on by telling him that I had told him that unless his kids initiated some sort of conversation that I would NOT because I do not win. If I say something they complain and say I have a tone towards them, if I don't say anything then I'm rude, as I said it's a no win situation. FDH started his same old story of how his kids are straight A students and that's the only thing that matters. I told him that grades are not the only thing that matters and that I'd take a C/D student who cares about other people and is just a good person any day over a straight A student who is selfish and self-absorbed and doesn't care about anything or anyone except manipulating everyone into getting/giving them something. I then went on to say that if he actually started to be a parent instead of being a friend and guilty parent then things would not have gotten to this point. But because FDH swept it under the rug and didn't handle the situation when it started up about 2 years ago it has escalated to the point of me just completely disengaging and not moving in. I went on to say that he is so scared that if he were to actually discipline or make them be respectful that they wont come over and will just stay at BM's house full time. Both of his kids know this and use it to their full advantage knowing it would kill their dad if he didn't see them. They threaten it all of the time when he tries to even talk to them or get them to see how their actions have caused this. By this time we had pulled up to the house and his son had left already. As soon as we got there he made the comment that if I didn't start engaging that this wasn't going to work and as I started to reply his cell phone rang and he answered it. He walked in the house and I followed, he was on the phone for about 15 minutes with no end in sight of the conversation and I grabbed my purse and coat and said bye and left.

I know that i can be very stubborn, but I am sick and tired of him trying to make me FIX this. He is their parent, not me (they've reminded me of that a few times) and without FDH telling them that they will learn to respect me and be nice it doesn't matter what I say or do they will always treat me this way. I refuse to pick up the phone and call him, because he just doesn't get it and I don't think he ever will and he hasn't called me either. He will never get that in this situation it is a no-win situation. I do love FDH and we've been together for a little over 5 years, but I do not think it's okay to put his kids on a pedestal and give them a free pass for their behavior. When there have been minor issues between FDH and my DD, they work it out and she doesn't hold a grudge and not talk to him for 6 months and then all of a sudden start talking to him and think he's supposed to be all excited because she talked to him (yes, his son has done this before to me). I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Help!