Bipolar SS21
Hi, first-time poster.
I think I'm experiencing a lot of similar things in regards to having recently married a man with four adult-ish sons. Disrespect, condescension, testing of boundaries, etc. One SS18 lives at home full time and is a senior in high school. I'm getting the worst of it from SS21 who is bipolar, attends college, but still comes home some weekends and holidays. My DH is a very involved parent but, it's my feeling that, he and the BM are only peripheral parents: they can been seen at all of the sporting events but they aren't always willing to do the deep-down, hard parts of parenting. I signed up to be an excellent wife and I'm great at it! I love my husband and married him for his ability to make an awesome companion for my life. I did not sign up to be a doormat for his man-child son when both of his parents are blind to his faults. Being bipolar does not give him a free pass to be a little asshole. I know he's been on meds but how much or how often or if he even takes them is a question that I'm sure neither of them knows the answer to at any given time. When I try to talk to DH, he gets defensive, says things like "I'm really sorry that I'm a perpetual disappointment to you" and pouts like a baby rather than trying to work with me to find a solution. It's so frustrating. Does anyone else have experience in dealing with policing a bipolar 21 yr old to take his meds?
I've only been married three months but have already made steps to disengage from him. 
~Lorelei
*If you sprinkle glitter on the shit you put in my hands, it still stinks.
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Comments
You can not "police" an adult
You can not "police" an adult when it comes to their decisions about their own medical treatment. You can not force someone to take medication - not unless they are mentally incompetent to make that decision. (The given here has to be that the diagnosis is correct and your stepson is bi-polar.)
It is important for your stepson to understand why he chooses not to take his medication. He may not understand his diagnosis and the consequences of his choice to not take his medication. It could be the costs, the side effects, he may miss the mania phase, he may think he doesn't need it, who knows?
You can only deal with what is within your control - and this may include whether you allow an unmedicated stepson into your home on a part time basis. If you can not deal with his behaviour it may be best that he not stay with you. Other than that, you can not force him to comply with his medication schedule.
BTW - your husband's response is passive-agressive. If you raise a valid concern about his son and his response is dismissive and defensive, you are basically on your own in this. He thinks that deflection and changing the subject is a way to deal with this. It is not - its delusional. Mental illness may not only be present in stepson in this instance...
Thank you, Myss.Tique I've
Thank you, Myss.Tique
I've been given information from another family member that he is indeed bipolar and have witnessed his manic/depression myself. I think you're right to assume that when all is well, he decides he doesn't need his medication. That's the vicious circle of being bipolar.
My DH is very passive and easy going and doesn't like to rock the boat, doesn't want to give his boys any reason to want to stay away. The SS21 has lived with him exclusively since he was 16 and the 18 yr old chose to exempt himself from staying at his mother's when he was 15/16 too. She basically washed her hands of them. My DH doesn't want his boys to think that he will abandon them too.
I moved into DH's home which was basically a haven for the boys and all of their friends all of the time. I put a stop to that and have tried to establish some boundaries.
After I had moved in, but before we were married, SS21 asked to have some friends over. DH said he could have a few friends over but stay out of the house (we have a ball field that the boys were supposed to have wanted to use). I pulled into my driveway to see 25+ cars in and around our house and 25+ kids in my house. DH was not at home and was unreachable. SS21 wouldn't take my call, wouldn't answer my texts. I was terrified to go in my house. I called the cops.
This did not go over well with anyone as you can imagine. The situation was diffused without the intervention of the police but I was a wreck, crying, hyperventilating, livid.
A week later we had SS21 over and discussed the three new rules that we were putting in place.
1) Let us know when you are coming
2) Ask us before you invite someone over
3) Don't use my stuff without permission (the boys are under the impression that what was mine is now their dads so also belongs to them: wrong)
Since then, in the space of three months, he has tried three times to walk in with friends in tow. The first time he said "oh i forgot" but my DH turned him right around and they left. The second time, SS21 didn't know that I wasn't at work and I know he thought his dad wouldn't care and he'd have been right. I was the only one home and he walked in with friend and said "oh, i hope you don't mind..." I said 'yes, I do mind' and I made him turn around and leave. The third time happened this past weekend when we had SS18 b/d party. SS21 invited a friend over and told DH "oh it slipped my mind to ask". DH said he would handle the situation and told me, later, that he told SS21 that his friend could stay for a little while but would have to leave soon. Passivity. DH told me that he didn't want to embarrass the friend! Woah! What about me and my feelings of being disrespected and walked on in my on home??
SS21 also took an item of mine that he said was in a bag of stuff that we were going to donate. Lie.
For me, it's "three strikes, and yer out". I've since told DH that I will not spend time with someone who lies and manipulates. I've excused myself from going to a family event this weekend because SS21 is going and plans turned out that he would be staying with us in our cabin. No thank you. DH is very unhappy with this turn of events.
I know they are all used to having this bachelor pad all to themselves with no rules. I get that they have their noses bent out of shape that dear old dad has remarried throwing a wrench into all of their fun. I never thought that 3 little rules would cause such havoc.
Sorry for the verbal vomit here, I'm just so frustrated. I love DH with all of my heart and had been so looking forward to the adventure of 'us'.
~Lorelei
Update: DH met with SS21 for
Update: DH met with SS21 for lunch to find out what's going on with his meds. According to SS21, he's been taking them for a month now...
Had our first couples counseling and I really like the woman. She agreed with almost everything that I said about boundaries and following through, completely, 100% of the time. (drops mic')
However, she did NOT recommend that I pull away from the boys. She said instances of bad behavior will spike at first but with 100% consistency with consequences, everything should level back out soon. (sigh) So I'm going to the weekend thing with DH's family....
(packs all travel bags with wine)