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Lord help me..'s picture

Submitted by Lord help me.. on Fri, 03/25/2011 - 4:39pm

Hello to all that read..
I am a BM to 3 wonderful boys, ages 7, 5, and 4 months and also a SM to a 5 year old boy. My issues sound all too familiar with the most of you. Heres how my story starts..

My boyfriend and I met a few years ago while he was still "unhappily" married. We developed a great friendship and then fell in love. He had been married for 2 years and had a son out of that relationship that was 3 years old. Things ended in that relationship and we continued to grow our own. The first 6 months of being "dad's new girlfriend" were great. He loved me, He loved my boys, and I adored him. I had noticed changes after that and also recieved several messages from the ex about me trying to be a "filler parent" and that I was never going to be his mother, step mother, friend, etc.. I thought she was insecure, posessive and just plain rediculous. I treated her son like my own but new my place in his life.

Now a days, I have so much resentment for the BM, My boyfriend, his son, and i guess you could say the life I created with him. We have a baby together now and I just cant seem to be able to accept his son anymore. There have been questions about paternity from the beginning of his conception (She popped up pregnant a month after they had broken up). He looks nothing like my boyfriend yet my son is the splitting image, head to toe. She lied on support papers and got much more than what she should have and also never served my boyfriend the right way. Now he has to constantly miss work and spend more money re-filing trying to make things FAIR (key word). We werent able to buy presents for our son or my kids because both my income and his go toward the house and bills but she had nerve to buy my kids, and the rest of his family extravagant presents. Really?? Thanks but no thanks.

Ugh... Its not just the money issues that make me want to erase that part of my boyfriends life, but when the kid is at my house he gets away with murder. I have rules with my kids that he cannot seem tp follow. My boyfriend only says something after I bring up an issue which makes me feel like Im picking on him. I feel extremely guilty for fantasizing that the kid is not my boyfriends but I just dont know how to feel any more. I just want some sort of balance. Equal kids, a strong relationship with my boyfriend, a good relationship with the kid...

Thats just the tip of the iceberge.

Comments

Lord help me..'s picture

Submitted by Lord help me.. on Fri, 03/25/2011 - 4:59pm

Wow..cant thank you enough for your input. Thank Jesus I have a great, supportive, and most of the time understanding hubby who (yes, I do give credit) tries to constantly work on our family issues. I guess I just feel like Im the one who has to make the change. My heart is telling me to but my head is..well.. you know. I dont like our "every other weekends" because I feel like my home is not my home any more, nor is my hubby. I try to give them their own time too.

My stepson is so far up my hubbys butt that he even follows him around the house even stands at the door to the restroom when hubby goes in to use it.

Lord help me..'s picture

Submitted by Lord help me.. on Fri, 03/25/2011 - 5:01pm

Thanks HS for the tips. Read the book, felt a new sense of acceptance after...for about a month. lol. It is a great book though. Maybe I need a refresher course.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 03/26/2011 - 10:06am

Most STalkers will understand your frustrations.

If there are questions of paternity, harvest some hair from your BF and the SKid and have it tested. If the Skid is not his then there is significant opportunity to go after BM legally for all kinds of reasons. If the SKid is not your BFs then you and he will own her ass even if you choose to continue to accept the Skid as BF's.

I have found that keeping the blended family opposition under tight control and keeping them from manipulating and polluting your family helps keep my marriage much more pleasant than when my SS-18's SpermClan is out of control and spouting the toxic moronic drivel that they tend to generate. It took a while but my wife finally put her foot down with the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan and smacked them around every time they did anything except exactly what we told them to do when we told them to do it. The CO is the best tool for this. If you can add fraudulent collection of CS for a child not your BFs to the mix you will have BM squirming for eternity. Since your BF has been this boys dad from day one, even if it turns out that BF is not BioDad he can gain absolute control over BM and use this control to protect his son.

I have no genetic participation in my own son. I married his mom when he was 1yo. Even if something happened between his mom and I to end our marriage, I would still be his dad. Becoming a parent is probably the only true forever decision a person can make these days. Unfortunately marriage is not but once a parent you are always a parent. Even a step parent.... at least in my case.

Welcome by the way. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.

Best regards,

Lord help me..'s picture

Submitted by Lord help me.. on Fri, 03/25/2011 - 7:00pm

Thank you Rags,

We have talked about a paternity test several times. He has always had doubt along with his family. Not only by her actions but her comments as well. I know he loves him regardless and as much as I would love to put this mystery behind us whatever the outcome may be, I feel that it has to come from him, he has to take the first step. All I can do is patiently wait.. I appreciate your SD input. It is nice to hear from a mans view. This IS definitely a great place to vent and receive advice without judgement.

Lord help me..'s picture

Submitted by Lord help me.. on Sat, 03/26/2011 - 12:02pm

HS,

I wouldnt really say that I dont like him. I blame both of his parents for how he acts. He seems to be delayed about 2 years maturity wise, He doesnt acknowledge anything I say, As far as him being attached to my hubby. I am fine to a point with it. I also step back and give them their own time together. His thing is sunday breakfast with dad. What bothers me is that any sign of affection my hubby shows me he pulls him away, sits on his lap while we are sitting together, at bedtime he will knock on our door several times to ask unimportant questions. He has walked in on me dressing while my hubby was in the room. Hubby is good at correcting him, but it almost seems as if he has his mothers self righteous attitude. He sometimes refuses to come t our home and complains to his mom that dad is mean to him. Dad only disciplines fairly and when necessary. I have this thing with my own kids where if i leave them with a sitter, I always ask them.."Ok, boys, whos the boss when moms gone?" They answer with the sitters name. One time we left my kids along with the SS and I said my usual bit. The ss replied with.."My mom says Im the boss, not you!" So I think you know where I am coming from.