Tired of the divorced-dad syndrome
My husband has been divorced from his first marriage for over 15 years yet he still lives with the divorced-dad syndrome. I bring in more income than him so it really upsets be when we are in a financial bind yet he's still forking out money to his son 19 and daughter 25. Does anyone have any advise on how he can get over it? He went to therapy after the divorce and then continously but he's priority is not our household. We've been together for 10 years but just married 3. His kids were grown up when I met them so I dont have the step-parent role, but it's still really frustrating.
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Start taking the same amount
Start taking the same amount of money out of your bank account that he gives to his kids to put in your own account. There's a gal here that does that and I believe it has curbed her husband's idiot giving. Or separate your finances and tell him tough shit when he runs out of money. It's ridiculous to give adult kids money you can't afford. Maybe he'll learn when he's out of "fun money" all the time.
Make sure your finances are
Make sure your finances are entirely separate - ie no joint bank accounts etc. You should not be suffering from his stupid financial choices regarding his adult kids. Divide household bills equally and don't pay ones he can't afford because of his haemorrhaging money to his cuckoos.
I'm confused - if his kids
I'm confused - if his kids are 19 and 25 and you've been together 10 years, how were they grown up when you met him?
I would separate finances and set out clearly what he is expected to contribute to mortgage/rent, bills, house upgrades, retirement, vacation etc - and then let him spend the rest how he sees fit. No way would I continue to combine finances if he gave MY money to his kids without a discussion with me.
You can't "make him get over it", all you can do is change what you are doing in response.
He was really careful not to
He was really careful not to introduce a woman to his kids until it was serious. So when I finally met them, SS was 15 and SD 21 and that was a one and done thing. Again, because of their age, I don't think either one of us thought much into spending time together.We didn't "commingle" literally until we were married.
Thanks for the advice!
There is a reason someone
There is a reason someone hides their kids from their partner for 4 years. He hid their whole dynamic from you, including his divorced dad syndrome.
Separate your money. YOU should not be in a financial bind because of him and his ADULT offspring.
how do you do it? how do you
how do you do it? how do you stay? I would tell him to get over it or I'd be packing my bags.
If he hasn’t gotten “over it”
If he hasn’t gotten “over it” after 15 years than he should consider some serious therapy on letting this go. The fact that he’s still carrying this baggage into your relationship is a red flag and you will never move forward until he figures out how to deal with this and move forward. Why did you bother marrying this man if your household is not a priority?
WE are in financial bind
Yeah - do as the others have advised already and DEFINITELY separate your finances. Many believe that married folks need to be ONE in all ways, and put their money in an "ours bucket". Im of the other camp.
I make the same amount as my husband. I have no debts. I have 2 retirement accounts through work. I have a life insurance policy through work. My DH has student loans, child support, spoual support and a car payment. So that means he has less money to play with.
We go half on everything. We halve the bills, halve the house payment. We have separate bank accounts. At different banks even. We each take turns buying food. We even take turns making coffee in the morning. Previously his ex didnt really do anything or help out and that really upset him, so this time he is expecting more of an equity partner.
I dont pay for his kiddos. We have SD20 who went no contact and mooches, er, lives with the mother. SD13 - I buy her things WHEN I WANT TO, its never expected. If he spends money on her, its for necessaries, sometimes its wants. But hes reasonable.
YOU should never be in a financial bind over someone elses children. Period. And therapy wont help him "get over it".
Separate finances
My DH and I had a similar issue. I make way more than he does but he was handing all his money over to BM every time she asked. Plus he was paying his CS plus he was paying for two kids to have the newest most bestest cell phones.
I wasn’t about having my hard earned money go to BM.
We have a joint account for household bills which all of his check is deposited and only a portion of mine. I put enough to cover my bills and I have the rest go into my own account.
Mover the past two years he has done sooo much better and even cut off the phones. The skids were pas’d and never responded to his calls by that point. I still have my own account and money but have no problem using it to fix up the house or go on fun trips. BM no longer begs for money all the time because he finally started telling her NO
You could be talking about my
You could be talking about my DH. The only things we ever fought about were his kids and money he spent on his adult kids. I guess it finally got more painful to deal with me than to deal with them. He now gets an allowance at his request (and a separate bank account for his hobbies that I don't touch). All other household finances run through me.
I kinda resent it, but it's better than fighting and being constantly overdrawn.. Bank charges just set me off.