OK, someone please tell me the trick with teens and chores!!!
My skids, 13 & 15, will NOT do chores of any kind and it is driving me up the wall! It's not like I want them to do everything, but I do think they should, at the very least, clean up after themselves and keep their rooms cleaned up. But no. You open the door to their room and it looks like a tornado just went through! They do not do their own dishes, they leave wet towels after their shower all over the floor, they do NOTHING! I am so sick of running around trying to clean up after 3 kids! I am proud to have a clean house when company comes over, and if you clean up after yourself, it would stay nice, it's simple really. When I was growing up, I had chores and they HAD to be done everyday or my butt was in trouble. These kids have NEVER had to do anything! BM is also a slob and her house is always trashed. I don't want to live like a pig, sorry, just doesn't work for me. So, what's the trick? Taking things they like away doesn't work, rewarding them doesn't work, hell they will sit there and argue with me when I ask them to do one simple thing, and I'm talking 3 minute job at most! I also tried the "I'm on strike" bit, and totally failed at that. I don't know how to teach old dogs new tricks lol but my 3 yr old cleans up after herself more than the teens... Please! If any of you gals have suggestions, I'd love to try them!
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Yep....teenagers
generally suck at doing chores, BUT the key is your DH! He has to impliment the chores and enforce the consequences. I think that your SD sees you as too much of a friend to do anything you ask and SS is violent, so I would not go there with him. You let daddy handle that! We don't need to read about you in the paper! Love ya!
how does taking away stuff NOT work??
any time my SS15 doesnt do something, DH makes him do situps and pushups...like 100 of each. or as many as he can stand!
we took away the xbox bc he was getting bad grades. i think his pohone should be limited, if not taken away but my DH is a pushover.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
It doesn't work because DH
It doesn't work because DH eventually sides with the skids and gives in. I have taken away the Xbox and put it in my closet, it stayed there for about 3 weeks and that was a hard fight! I think my DH is more less guilt parenting, he feels bad that the skids have been through a lot, but the divorce was a couple years ago.. and they are teens.. come on! Maybe he's the one I need to work on..
try the exercises
my SS15 is healthy and active and exercises and he HATED doing them.
or try yard work...something they have to do immediately after not listening
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Good idea Bella
I'll definitely try that! I think it's so hard because these kids have NO structure, none. So, when 'evil SM' tells them to do something, they blow me off, backtalk, and give me dirty little looks. I ground them or send them to their room and they just look at me like wtf you talking about lady?! It's very annoying. I am not the maid, but most days I feel like I am.
LOL good point!
If only DH would do something about it! He doesn't. He just blows it off and let's the skids do their own thing. He would rather clean up a mess himself than make them get off their lazy arse and do it. It's sad. Now, there has been a couple times when I have told them to do something and he has backed me up and made them do it, but it is always a fight! We got SS in therapy..FINALLY! And even his therapist suggested he have regular chores he is to complete on a daily basis.
Oh that is SOOOOO
fabulous! Therapy......is great news! I am so happy to hear that! Now I don't have to worry about hearing about you on the news
Seriously though, that is fabulous!!!!!!! I still think you should kick DH in the ass and make him do it!
L4A
I know it is hard to implement and enforce rules when DH is not on board. Initially my DH was not on board. He was guilty of guilt parenting if anyone was. I called him out on it on many times, but I stood my ground. If I grounded and took something away for the kids lack of doing something that they were responsible for, DH knew not to touch it unless he was willing to go toe to toe with me. I will admit that I've done the disengaging, I've been the evil Step-B#tch and whatever else, BUT...I have peace in my CLEAN home.
If I took the game away. I would put it somewhere that even DH couldn't get to, even if that meant stashing it at my moms. If they made issue with losing an item and there were fights and aruguments, guess what...I added more time on to the confiscation. Everyone eventually learned that they were not going to win when going up against me. Was it very difficult, you bet. Did it feel difficult being out there on my own sometimes, DEFINITELY. Somewhere in the midst of it, they got it.
I know this is drastic behavior, but for me, it should have never come to that in the first place. The fact that it did is no matter to me. I eventually got the results that I was seeking and that was for the FAMILy to pitch in and help out and not leave it on one person.
Set up a chore schedule, with consequences and rewards. I know that it sounds very babyish, but it does work with teenagers as well. In fact, I think it works better. They are always looking to go to the movies, a party or hang out.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Well if your DH would rather
Well if your DH would rather clean up their messes on a daily basis than make them do it, let him! I doubt it will last very long. He'll get sick of coming home from work & having to clean up after them, just as you are sick of it. Then maybe he'll start backing you up when you insist on them doing it!
Just because you CAN give birth, doesn't mean you SHOULD
DH is the ONLY answer
Looking4Answers,
You can do all the things suggested above (good suggestions, really), but the kids will NOT respond to those, either. They will fight you tooth and nail at every turn. It will get U-G-L-Y.
And, come on, folks, we all know why. Crayon said it in her response. DAD is the ONLY one who has the power here. If he "blows it off" he is saying loud and clear to those kids, "Chores are crap and I don't care".
So why should the kids care?
Your fight here, L4A, is NOT with the teenagers, it's with your DH, who is NOT backing you and making, in fact, YOU out to be the BAD GUY.
I guarantee that if HE told them, "NO ONE leaves this house for fun, or watches TV or uses a cell phone or computer (or whatever other consequnces he imposed)until the chores are done EACH DAY," you bet your bippy the chores would be done each day.
But HE has to follow through- EVERY DAY- and mean it. And then you can tell the kids, "Do your chores, like your dad said."
And then they'll do them!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
i constantly remind my FH
i constantly remind my FH that in time the kids grow up & go away, but he's stuck w/ me forever. so our relationship must be priority. if he's content in cleaning up after the skids, let him. if he's like mine he might try a half-assed job to thinking you'll finish, but don't let it fly. NO NOOKY TIL THE HOUSE IS TIDY! i have a friend who will through the dishes in the garbage if no one else will do them. i like the yard work idea though. my mother had one of those spinning wheels of death manual grass cutters and made us weed the yard and garden by hand. she said it built character and insisted a little dirt under your nails helped them grow. if all else fails, take your little one on a nice vacation.
i constantly remind my FH
i constantly remind my FH that in time the kids grow up & go away, but he's stuck w/ me forever. so our relationship must be priority. if he's content in cleaning up after the skids, let him. if he's like mine he might try a half-assed job to thinking you'll finish, but don't let it fly. NO NOOKY TIL THE HOUSE IS TIDY! i have a friend who will through the dishes in the garbage if no one else will do them. i like the yard work idea though. my mother had one of those spinning wheels of death manual grass cutters and made us weed the yard and garden by hand. she said it built character and insisted a little dirt under your nails helped them grow. if all else fails, take your little one on a nice vacation.
Oh my L4A - it is the same
Oh my L4A - it is the same way with my DH and his kids. They are the same age as your skids and are very lazy and irresponsible. I ahd to fight tooth and nail just to get him to understand that they can both do the dishes once a week when they are over. It is a constant struggle!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
How's your relationship with the skids in general?
I've found that because I have a good relationship with mine, I can get them to do stuff that their bioparents can't. The other night, ss12 was told by DH to take a shower. SS started hemming and hawing and not listening, so as soon as he started I piped up in my chirpy little voice, "SS why don't you take your shower now so you can get warmed up after being out in the cold all day." SS went right up and jumped in the shower. DH and bm both hate that the kids listen to me more than them. But I'm also the one they come to when they're hurt or need comforting or just want to have a banana split with (their bm has never, ever even made them an icecream cone?!). Kids do more for people they have a better relationship with, even teens. Try improving your relationship and see if they are a bit more helpful.
Hugs