Counseling Fiasco
We went back to counseling this week, per DH request, due to the fights we had right after ss14 left. We stopped going months ago because we thought we were able to manage without it. Apparently not.
We had a couple of really ugly fights after ss14 left because DH was depressed, and in my opinion too demanding, and I felt too emotionally exhausted to be as supportive as he wanted me to be. I haven't been able to communicate the fact to DH that you can only expect so much of a person. Everyone reaches their limit at some point and after weeks of stress and tension due to ss14's visit, I really needed to just relax at a time DH felt he really needed me to be there for him.
I thought we had started to reach at least some resolution on all this and I thought things were getting better again. Then at the counseling session DH laid out the whole story of our arguments, in detail. illustrating all of my very poor behavior during those fights. I'll agree that my behavior was poor and I could have handled things so much better. But there continues to be little to no acknowledgement of the reason that I get that upset in the first place. DH painted a picture of him as the rational one and me as the unreasonable and destructive person in this marriage.
I felt embarrassed and humiliated after we left counseling. I felt that DH could have addressed certain behaviors without telling a story in such a way as to make me feel like a complete idiot. DH's response to this was that he is a "detailed" person and that my behavior "needed correction". So counseling was nothing more than a punishment for me. I feel sick to my stomach over the whole thing.
I tried to bring up the fact in counseling that I have a difficult time with all the tension after his son has been here and I feel that things need to be handled differently. I tried to bring up the fact that we have these big fights right after ss14 goes home. DH only sees our issues as being due to me becoming destructive when we have a conflict.
I feel trapped and I feel like I have no rights in this marriage. It feels like DH has a big double standard. I'm expected to be completely independent. Our finances are completely separate. I always pay my share of the bills, he has never had to support me in any way, I make sure of that. He told me recently that maybe I should go to counseling when I told him I am so stressed with all the problems related to ss14 and BM that I can't even deal with my own issues anymore. I am expected to be my own independent individual in this marriage in every way but then I am expected to be at his side to support his every emotional need.
I didn't feel heard in counseling when I tried to express how I felt. I felt that I was just whining and I felt really embarrassed by everything DH said. It is my own fault for losing my temper like I do. I feel that I try and try to communicate and I put up with things to the point that I just lose it. I am angry at myself for not being more effective with drawing boundaries and ensuring that I have equal rights in this marriage.
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Comments
Hey, don't beat yourself up
Hey, don't beat yourself up about how you handled things in the past. I have been there. During fights with DH about his kids and BM and all the chaos, I behaved badly too. You have to move on- recall the things that bait you into getting angry, then when you see those flags, excuse yourself from the conversation, saying to your DH that you need a few minutes to absorb what he has said, and you need a few minutes to think of how reply the way you want instead of out of anger. Gawd it takes practice, cause if your DH baits you to get angry, it is hard to bite your tongue!!!! I learned that DH baited my anger to make me seem like a crazy bitch, JUST SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO LOOK AT HIS OWN BEHAVIORS AND THE ISSUE AT HAND. Men are fixers, and if they don't know how to fix things, or don't want to, they deflect the attention elsewhere,(and that attention is on your reactions). Do not let him do that. That sounds like what he is doing. When you flip your behavior to this style, where you are more rational, it will force him to reflect on his behaviors and reactions, rather than yours. Hold your head high, talk in the manner as if you are saying something as a matter of fact, not a heated tone. Your guy seems like he is USING your reactions to keep from dealing with the issues. Do not give him that. When he has no excuse for calling you out on how you behave, then he has to deal with whatever the "fight" is about!!!!
And, set those boundaries
And, set those boundaries that are important to you. Boundaries TEACH our DH's where our line in the sand is, it gives them the knowledge that when they cross clear boundaries, they are in the doghouse! They don't feel as attacked when you bitch. By making and sticking to your boundaries, you teach DH how to treat you!!!!!!!
I will keep that term in
I will keep that term in mind: gaslighting. That is exactly what DH does! It's a good word to call to mind when I start to lose my cool and I need to take a few steps back. It's hard because the pressure he puts on me feels overwhelming and he just keeps pushing. He actually gets calmer and calmer as I get angrier and angrier. I'm debating whether or not to go back to the counselor. Maybe one more time and if that doesn't work out I will find someone else - for me and just go by myself!
stepintexas, I cried when I read your response. Thank you. It's all true. He doesn't want to look at his own behaviors and issues and deflects it all onto my angry reactions and I become the source of the problem. I start to feel that I really am the problem. My marriage is full of toxic behavior right now. I hate how things are so much that I want to walk out so bad right now. I'm so sick of all this I can't even look at DH right now. He's trying to suck up and that is just making it worse.
Whatever the outcome, I need to overcome this issue one way or another. So when I want to lose my mind because DH has pushed me as far as he can push, I need to keep in mind that the calmer I remain, the more it forces him to face his own issues. Those are all good words to help me when I get angry. ss14 does the same things DH does. They both just look at me like I am a crazy bitch when I get upset.
My main focus at this point in life needs to be to focus on those boundaries and my own personal needs. I spend way too much time getting caught up in DH's needs and I set aside my own for his. I can only blame myself for this and I am the only one who can fix it.
You are so great and don't
You are so great and don't even know it!!!!
"My main focus at this point in life needs to be to focus on those boundaries and my own personal needs. I spend way too much time getting caught up in DH's needs and I set aside my own for his. I can only blame myself for this and I am the only one who can fix it."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This
Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!! You are on the right track!!!!
I did this too, took on all DH's needs and his responsibilities and lost myself and my own boundaries. That was one thing that made me such an angry bioitch. I felt like he should have respected me more for taking all of his shit on my plate, so he didn't have to deal with it all, then when he gaslighted me, I knew he was full of shit and it pissed me off, then boom, angry bitch came out.
"They both just look at me like I am a crazy bitch when I get upset."
YEP, YEP, YEP!!!!!!!!!!!
Been there. My points were valid to get upset over, but no one listened till I got fed up and yelled. Then I would get the "your effin crazy stares" as well as it being said to me.
You're not, I am not, they are gaslighting.
Good going on thinking reasonably. Act reasonably now. Men don't like to see an angry woman, it scares them. But what scares a man differently is when you have the ah-ha moments and get wise to their bullshit, then you confront them rationally, they actually respond better.
Thank you stepintexas! I
Thank you stepintexas! I needed that:)
"My points were valid to get upset over, but no one listened till I got fed up and yelled. Then I would get the "your effin crazy stares" as well as it being said to me." --> This is currently my daily, living nightmare.
Here's an article on gaslighting. I have never heard this term and this was an eye opener for me:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-yo...
DH has been in the doghouse for 2 days. Today I am reaaaallllly enjoying the peace and quiet of not having to deal with him right now. I need the break, I've been so exhausted. And now things are about to seriously change because I have definitely had my a-ha moment!!! I suspect DH will push harder at first which will just be all that more difficult for me. It's not hard at all to push my buttons. If I need to, I will start going to counseling on my own. Especially when ss14 comes back for an extended visit. I've had enough of this.
I need my sanity back!
Check out Dr. Irene's verbal
Check out Dr. Irene's verbal abuse site. You are being manipulated. This happened to me in my last marriage. My ex had drinking and money problems. He wouldn't listen to me try to discuss it rationally and when twist everything around to what he considered my faults "you worry too much" etc. Marriage shouldn't be like this! My new DH would never do this stuff to me.