VERY EMOTIONAL counseling session with DH today...feeling hopeless
Yesterday I had my individual session with the counselor. She asked if I was depressed. I said no, I know what it feels like to be depressed, I have been there before about 6 years ago with my ex husband. She had me do a little "test" and said you are just mildly mood altered. I said, I told you I'm not depressed. I'm stressed out, fed up, feeling at the end of my rope with SS and the constant tension and anger from DH directed at me for what SS14 did, but depressed. No. Came right out and told her, the one you should be seeing individually and testing for depression is my DH. He is the one that is depressed, and has anger issues going on right now. He needs help individually...I vent to my friends. I'm okay, just pissed off and fed up.
So this afternoon...couples session. Discussing bringing SS14 back into the house next week (it was a tentative plan at the start of counseling). To be honest...I'm not ready. I don't want the kid back. Conversing with the counselor she asked how are we feeling about it. I told her...I'm not comfortable with it. I feel like DH and SS14 expects that he'll just come home and everything will be swept under the rug and all is A OK and it's not. My girls will most likely not even look at him, let alone speak to him. He has yet to apologize face to face to anyone. (Although DH says SS14 has apologized to him...yeah sure he has). So we discussed what the consequences should be, will be and how to handle them. DH says everyone needs to give him a chance. The girls (BD's) need to be, "open to his efforts". I will not lie....immediately started shaking, and feeling the anger rise up in me. The counselor says, "I like the way you said that DH, hanging...how do you feel about that?" I calmly, which took all my self control simply said," yes open to HIS EFFORTS. There have been NO EFFORTS, and honestly I feel he needs to earn that right to make the effort to make it better...which starts with an open face to face, sincere apology and acknowledgement of his wrongdoing...and that's not what DH is meaning." Counselor said, well yes, it will require effort. I explain that DH expects everyone to just be "okay, SS14 is here and he's sorry (even if he hasn't come out and said it) and so we are all just going to get along" I told counselor I have no issues if my daughters shun him. He deserves it. He needs to EARN their forgiveness and trust. And that doesn't happen with a simple I'm sorry without looking you in the face.
DH continued to say "she'll (me) and the girls will never forgive him. She (me) doesn't forgive anyone! She's still mad at my mom from two years ago!" First...it hasn't been two years...second, I'm cordial...third, MIL has never actually apologized, her apology was "I'm sorry if I may have said or done something to upset you" What she did was invite BM and SSs over for Christmas with DH's family, while DH and I were home alone on Christmas Day. She gave a very expensive gift to SSs to take to their mother's house, so it could be a gift for SSs, NOT all the kids. She also proceeded to tell BM intimate details regarding issues that DH and I were having in our home (due to kids and DH struggling with sister's cancer) and about our wedding plans. NOT ACCEPTABLE!!! DH and my life is NONE OF BM's CONCERN, and DH's mother CERTAINLY SHOULD NOT BE SHARING DETAILS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. I know she did, because BM sent me nasty text messages pertaining to the issue and the only one who knew about the issue was MIL as I had confided in her looking for her input on how to help DH with his struggle. So no...you didn't "MAY have said or done something to upset me...YOU ABSOLUTELY DID AND KNOW YOU DID MIL lied to DH that she did this, I had to PROVE MYSELF TO HIM by showing him text messages from BM. So have I forgiven MIL...no...because she has never actually acknowledged and owned up to what she did, nor said I AM SORRY FOR BETRAYING YOUR TRUST. As of now...SS14 has also not openly admitted and acknowledged what he has done and apologized.
Counselor suggested DH and I have a "meeting" with SS14 and explain what the first steps he needs to do. That he owes a face to face apology to his sisters, his parents (us) and his brothers. That he needs to understand he needs to earn trust back from all of us and that will take a while. That he is not to be near DDs without adult supervision (for their protection). He will not have a phone indefinitely...months if ever and a condition of getting trust and possibly the privilege of a phone will be no lying, being a part of the family, following the rules. I say this lasts...two weeks. but anyway...Counselor suggests DH run the meeting...DH explain to SS14 the rules, the requirements and how things will be. We'll see how this goes...
After more of DH "glossing" over the subject and in my opinion making excuses and trying to make things easier for SS14 to be with us...actually called the fact that SS14 has ben out of the home for 2 weeks a punishment...um no...it was what was in the best interest of the family as a whole, and yeah, SS14 was MISERABLE at grandma's...especially since he's grandma's "special" boy. I think not!
So in light of this, I melted down...started crying, asked to stop the discussion...looked at counselor and said, I can't do this anymore. I can't handle the constant tension, the anger directed towards me, the roller coaster DH and SS put me on, the expectations that I should love and support SS after all this. I don't support him. I don't know that DH and I can get through this. It has caused damage to our relationship because of SS14's actions and his defense of SS14 and DH's expectation of me that I need to say I love him and support him and care for him. He IS NOT my child. I CHOOSE to love him, support him and treat him as my own. Giving him every opportunity my own children get. Helping and supporting him the same way I do my biological children...and for what? He doesn't CARE. He doesn't CARE about ME, MY CHILDREN, or for that matter HIS father's happiness. HE wants what HE wants. And I don't think we will ever see eye to eye on it. Counselor asked DH how he feels about what I said. DH's response, "I think she's probably right. And we wont ever be able to fix things"
Session ended with a "contract" that DH and I had to sign regarding HOW we would deal with SS14 on Monday. I'm dreading it. I was emotional and emotionally drained after the session. I was so happy that we had separate cars. Told DH I had to go back to work (empty office but I had admin stuff to do) DH expected a kiss and love you like always, I couldn't do it. I feel let down, betrayed and disappointed in DH. I feel alone and that DH is against ME for SS14's behaviors. So, I just cry. Not sure what else to do at this point. Look forward to next week's session. Let's see what we have to report on SS14's behavior and accountability.
Oh hon, I'm so sorry!
Oh hon, I'm so sorry! Reading your post just broke my heart, I can't BELIEVE your DH is failing you like this! Huge hugs!!
The only thing I hope for is that this is a turning point, that DH removes his head from his rectum, and that things do start to get better for you.
Your husband says this can't
Your husband says this can't be fixed. You know it can't be fixed. The kid could give a damn and would do it again and anything else as long as he thinks he can get away with it.
The writing is on the wall. Read it and start packing.
My brain is all over the
My brain is all over the place of things I want to say to you. I can only imagine what your heart is saying n then your brain.
My first response is ~ your job as a mother is to protect your children ~ which you are right on target. Asking the Ss to leave was exactly what you needed to do for you n your daughter. The damage he has done is something you could recovery from IF the SS & DH would recognize as a HUGE issue n if he were apologetic for his actions. Your DHs actions of not holding him responsible for his actions is the issue. He can't coddle this issue n your daughters well being shouldn't be what gets sacrificed. She's the innocent one here. With proper counceling maybe he (ss) could get on the healing tract. Feeling sorry for the ss would be a mistake.
You DH sounds like he was being honest about his feelings but he holds no empathy for your daughter n what his son has done. It seems like he feels like it's no big deal ~~ BUT it is. Is this his gateway for more lies ????
When I was in counceling ~ the therapist was making me make decisions to have me learn to deal with things. Never told me what was right n wrong ~ cause really what's right n wrong is a reflection of my values. What was important to me ???
What's important to you is protecting your daughter n holding him accountable for what he has done. Mother thoughts are we hope n pray that this issue doesn't affect her more than what it is.
Your DH might be feeling like he failed his son. His issue ~ not yours. The boy lied for more than just for kicks. He is trying to get his dad's attention ~ hopefully for the right reasons other than just to have your DH to protect him.
You just have to stay true to your path with your worries are your daughter. Not his son. You could lose all credibility with your daughter if you waiver. You know what the right thing is to do ~ it might detour your life in ways you have never dreamed of. But in the end ~ your kids are your #1.
I made it perfectly clear
I made it perfectly clear today, that SS is not going to walk in like nothing happened. And that neither my DD nor I will be held to a standard of HOW DH thinks we should treat and interact with SS. My intention is to allow him to come in, and we will see how this "meeting" goes and if SS actually does anything. And we will see how the tension in the house is and how DH deals with the "atmosphere". I made it clear that SS has a LOT of work to do in order to get DDs or myself to trust him and I will no longer be held responsible for him and his well being. DH will now have to handle ALL things relating to SS. DD has her own counseling session set up next week to discuss some feelings she has for things that are bothering her about her father's house and to discuss her feelings about SS and what would make her comfortable and what she needs. SS has another session also next week. And DH and I have a session. Counselor would have agreed with me that SS stay away longer, but to be perfectly honest, SS isn't learning anything or reflecting on anything while in grandma's house. Grandma coddles him more than DH. And grandma is a mental mess herself so quite honestly being in her care with the intent to have him come back home at some point may be setting us up for more harm than good. Maybe he needs to feel the contempt for his actions that DD and I have. After the week, SS will return to his BM's for a week (BM gets every other week during the summer...because you know....there's not nearly the responsibilities that go along with the school year so she can "handle" it better. Wtf-ever). If nothing has been done by SS during the week he is here, that is something I will bring up in counseling and a decision will need to be made regarding if SS is going to permanently be removed from the home, or if SSs and DH will all leave the home. Although I am dreading the upcoming week, I am looking at it as an opportunity. An opportunity for SS to feel the isolation and distaste his family who loved him now has for him, the hard work it will take to rectify what he did, for DH to prove he is GOING to do something about it and be in charge (running the "meeting", responsible for discipline, holding SS accountable and for DH to see the effects of SSs behavior on both DDs and I.) Right now I think he thinks everyone is okay, because DD is laughing and hanging around and doing all her "normal" things, but that's because SS isn't here. She isn't afraid of him. But she's pissed as hell at him, disappointed, hurt and feels betrayed because she thought of him as her brother. I can understand that, as I looked at him as my son. Either things will be so uncomfortable that SS will not want to be here and start his "I want to live with mom" thing again, in which this time, I will help him pack and drive him there myself or he will choose to do the right thing. And if neither happens, then DH will see that SS IS not sorry and IS going to continue the behavior and will either have to accept that there is no room in our home for the brat or will see that him and evil brat will need to find a place to live on their own. Either way, I look at it as DH and no one else will be able to say that DD and I didn't give it a try. I will completely support DD and her decision to avoid and ignore SS if that's what she chooses. And SS is NOT allowed to be alone without an adult present near my daughters. I'm going to let this kid prove what he really is. Because if after all this destruction he has done, that he doesn't make amends and change his ways, but continues to be the hateful brat he is there are no more excuses available for DH to come up with. I have spoken to DD and she is okay with the plan and that she need not even act like SS is around if she so chooses, and that I will protect her and defend her if she gets any slack for her behavior. We both feel it's judgment time...prove your worth...or worthlessness SS.
Still dreading it, but feeling stronger. And feeling strong for DD.
That sounds just awful. I
That sounds just awful. I hope your DH comes around...you don't deserve this and it doesn't sound like he is taking counseling seriously. So sorry you are going through all this hurt!!
Cat- Very good questions!
Cat-
Very good questions! Things that I have thought about in the sat few weeks, hell even months. Here's my feelings/reasons:
1- my bio kids...all three LOVE their stepdad. An example: My ODD asked DH to walk with her for parents night instead of her BD, because (in her words), "you're more of a Dad to me than my real dad is. You are always there for me, and you watch my events. I want you there" DH told her he would absolutely walk with her, but that she needed to also ask her BD. And if he chose not to be there that was his choice and his loss. YDD calls DH "Dad" for very similar reasons as ODD. DH and DDs have a very close and loving relationship. My daughters won't walk out of the house without giving DH a hug, kiss and a "love you" first. My DS almost never leavs DHs side. DH coaches DS7 machine pitch baseball team....because DS asked him to. My children love him greatly.
2- DH and I argue about THREE things. If and when we argue it's always only about one of these three things.... i.- SS14 and his behavior and discipline. The MAJORITY of our arguments are in regard to SS14. Not SS12. Not my bio kids. SS14. He is the problem. We don't argue about any of the other kids. There are no issues with discipline and consequences and honestly, the other four really give us very, very little grief. The number one stressor in the relationship is SS14. ii.- MIL who is a meddler, manipulator (has been doing it since DH's father died unexpectedly when DH was 17) and a liar. And iii.- DH's ex wife who tries to infiltrate our lives with bullshit drama and lies and lack of responsibility for her sons. That's it...those three things. Two are completely external people that shouldn't have that impact, but DH is not firm in setting and sticking to boundaries, which is why we argue, because I am and expect boundaries to be set and not allowed to be crossed.
3.- I truly do love my SS12. And honestly loved my SS14, but feel he has spit in the face of this family and of me and all I have done to make this a family and support and care for him. I feel betrayed. Similar to the feeling I had when ex husband was having his affairs. Our family is disposable in his eyes, as long as he gets what he wants. And like my ex his and, I don't know that I will ever be able to trust SS14 again.
4.- the EOW we have without kids, and namely without SS, we get along fabulously. We have a good time together, we laugh and be silly and enjoy each other's company. Even with this stress, without the kids last weekend we had a fairly good time. We are both distressed and upset about this situation but we were able to put it aside and enjoy some fun outdoor activity and nice dinners together over the weekend. DH is my best friend (under normal daily circumstances) I know DH loves me. I know he does. I love him. And when SS14 is not around or hasn't caused a major issue, we have a fantastic relationship.
The troubles with SS14 started when we moved in together. I have disengaged from MIL. I am cordial and helpful when she needs it but I don't visit or chat with her on a regular basis due to her prior actions so there's now minimal arguments about her, unless she calls up DH whining that Your wife hates me. Your wife doesn't want me around. How would your father feel if he knew how you treated me!? Etc etc. classic manipulator. We recently got a no contact order for BM and she is no longer allowed to have any contact with me, and is to have contact with DH only regarding pertinent and immediate information regarding SSs and it must be via text so we have everything in writing. This has calmed the situation with her down quite a bit in many ways...but increased some of her other shitty behavior in other areas. But at least it's not as often as it once was. So the MAJOR issue here is SS14. And much of MIL's meddling comes into play when SS14 has done something wrong and is being disciplined for it.
I feel guilty for saying this, but if we took SS14 out of the equation I do believe we would have harmony in our home and peace. SS14 has behavioral and emotional issues that he has had for a long time, that get reinforced by his grandmother, his BM and I believe by his father (DH) when DH tries to excuse the behavior with a reason why SS must have done that (BM manipulating him, SS struggling with feelings of abandonment, etc etc). DH and I don't argue about SS12's discipline and behavior when we have a problem with him. Simply, only OSS.
I love the man, I love my YSS, my kids love their stepdad and "brother". To allow a 14 yr old to break up an entire family and a future with DH and I seems terrible and not something I can simply do easily, without trying all resources available to me.
So Cat, that in a nutshell (albeit a big one I guess ) is why...why and what I get from staying in this marriage
I just as well question if
I just as well question if you can ever forgive the ss's behavior I think this issue would sit in the bag of my head and if be afraid of that issue growing limbs. How in gods creation that issue be swept under the carpet ~ I would hold so much damn resentment for his vicious lies.
I get how much you love your family nucleus minus the ss ~ my sd has bullied n harassed my daughter for so long ~ she has been absent from our nucleus family for going on 3 years for her disrespectful behavior. I will never allow her to be part of this home ~ ever. At times I feel as though my life is stagnant n I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. That my fiancé will leave because he regrets the time he has lost w his daughter. If it happens so be it ~ I will always stand behind my children.
Her behavior 3 years later has no changed. She lives as though she could careless what others think of her decisions. There is no guilty feeling of what she has done. She tried to tear us apart n fiancé struggled with his emotions of what was right ~ her behavior is what cause me to disengage. I will never sacrifice my children's mental health for her continued wreckloose behavior. I will not clean up her behavior ~ I will not tolerate it at any point. She made her bed ~ not me.
I just wonder if it will rear it's ugly head for you ???
What a shame to have one bad
What a shame to have one bad apple spoil the bunch. Sounds like you know you are better without him. At some point everyone else's happiness has to outweigh one person's happiness. When a person comes into a home and abuses people around him, they can take a hike. I know I will never get an apology from my SS. I don't want him back either. He is where he should be. I don't know the situation and whether he just has no where else to live? Right now my SS has a place to live with BM. So that works out. If BM ate herself to death tomorrow I would CRINGE at the thought of taking him back but we would probably have to.
I understand your pain. My SS made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. He is not a nice human being. Treated me bad. Created tension in our home.
Doesn't sound like you have any confidence that he is coming back a changed person. No proof of that. Nope - keep him away.
He has a BM. She just happens
He has a BM. She just happens to be a useless POS with no morals either. And it wouldn't be the best environment for him...HIWEVER I am at the point that I NO LONGER GIVE A SHIT. Let him live with BM. He acts like her anyway. So he can grow up to have the same worthless POS life she has where she needs to constantly blame others for her issues and not work and see what she can get from the people around her. He may as well start living it now...
See my most recent entry regarding him coming back with stipulations and what's occurred....yeah. Nothing. And it is worse today at day three.