I can't really offer much advice since I am having similar issue with my own mother. She always painted my father in the worst light and I agree he can be selfish and quick to anger, but he was never as cruel as my own mother is.

I had to implement disengaging from my mother, I started it over a year ago, at first it was hard and it hurt and I could see my mother doing things to try and pull me back in. Today we have a cordial yet distant relationship. I don't confine in her the way I used to and I don't invite them to family gatherings the way I used to.

I have begun to notice recently that my mother is mirroring my actions and thought I wish I could say it hurts me, it really doesn't. I have noticed without her toxic input in my life I feel better about myself and about my choices in my life.

My mom's parental alienation ran really deep. She even moved us 500 miles away from my dad to punish him for leaving. And it took so long as an adult to recognize my mom's deeply pathological victim complex. For me, the hardest part has been unlearning so much of what she taught me love was/should look like. I do very strongly recomment therapy for that outside perspective. I think part of the reason your DH's take on things is so helpful is because you've come to doubt your own sense of things, and having a professional verify your instincts about things is super helpful. 

It's taken me almost a decade but I finally feel sure that I am not my mother. I may have some more things to unlearn and work on because that was years of emotional conditioning, but progress can totally be made. Sending hugs and glad to hear that your DH is supportive and can see all of that. 

Oh wow, that is a LOT for you to deal with. I feel for you. My mom's attempts to alienate us from dad were pretty bad, but it never 'worked' on me (for whatever reason) though it did on my siblings. Still, it has taken me years to recover from the emotional toll her behavior took on my childhood. Therapy has been such a huge help with that - I really don't know where I would be without my therapist. So you're on the right track.

Just to encourage you that if this is the first time you're seriously attempting therapy; it is so HARD at first. It's painful and uncomfortable and just not fun. But don't give up! A good therapist will guide you to some small 'victories' early on that will help offset the discomfort. Over time as you deal with things, discussing them will be less and less difficult and you'll find yourself growing and healing faster than you think is possible. It is work, but very rewarding work that will pay dividends the longer you stick with it.

I feel like I also should share that my relationship with my mom has improved so much. She still is who she is (though she's mellowed considerably as she's aged) but my emotional reactions to her are completely different than they used to be and I'm able to let things slide that would have triggered me before and just focus on the aspect of my relationship with her that I do enjoy. I never thought I'd get to that point, but like I said, my therapist has been a lifesaver. Best of luck to you! 

I'm not sure I have words of encouragement, but just to say I totally understand your feelings and how you probably (like I do) feel stuck in these feelings and don't know what to do with them - even telling people around you after so long can feel weird and remembering a new version of history does seriously make you question "am I making this up?" I get it!!

I am a COD, I was 10 and the second oldest (but oldest girl of 4 kids). My parents, both remarried twice, with my dad having my half sister when I was 14 and I have 4 other step sisters. When my parents divorced I became the mum. My parents moved over 30 mins away from each other, we were the only divorced kids in school on a very off 2-2-3 schedule (I only know that now) and I became mini mum - organising everything, being responsible for everything as my parents wouldn't communicate and carried sheltered my brothers and sisters from feeling the effects of what was going on - absolute chaos. 
Since the age of 16 I have always said I didn't want any children of my own. My party line was "I come from a big enough family, I need time to myself and time to be selfish"..... my parents, my family, everyone that knows me accepts that because they 'saw' how much did. 
Despite the above, I was extremely close to my mother and am the closest of my siblings to my dad (despite it not being that close)......I would always tell people I don't get how divorce is considered trauma for kids, it made me who I am - I am so organised, a high achiever, etc etc. My mum passed away when I was 26 and I remember at her funeral saying something like "she raised children that didn't need her to be around, but wanted her to be".... and I meant that as a good thing - she raised us to be self sufficient.

Now I write all the above because that is the stuff I have been saying for 33 years.... it took me reading this one article about "needing to blame you parents for everything, if you are going to blame them for the bad" - it was about a child of an alcoholic blaming the father for abandoning her, and it was trying to get her to look at what that has given her in his absence.... and something clicked. My entire life, I did the opposite. I constantly only remember the good things or the bad things with a rationalised spin as to why that's helped me and have never ever allowed myself to blame my parents or think about them negatively. The moment I read this article though, the thoughts started creeping in, one by one... I was self sufficient because I was abandoned a lot. I was left to take cae of transporting my 2 younger sisters on 2 trains and a long walk 5 days a week 2 ways too and from school when I was 12 and they were younger and that put me in some very scary situations. I was never asked how I felt, I was told I love you by them all the time, but never once asked what as going on for me or if I was ok. I was a high achiever because I wanted any kind of attention I could get and then it still didn't matter, it became expected. I was made to feel like a burden my entire life. I felt like a burden because my parents decided to have 4 kids they couldn't afford and then they had/married more!  And the more I started to remember the more I started to think "am I nuts, or am I making this up? I love my mum, we were best friends - she is dead, what could this possibly achieve to start thinking like this?".... 

The real reason I don't want my old children. I have raised too many children that weren't my own to date, I know how truely selfless you need to be (from the anti-examples around me) and I'm not prepared to do that for the rest of my life.... wish I had worked this out PRIOR to becoming a step parent. But see, pattern continued and I am irrationally triggered by selfish or neglectful parenting.

I have gone to a therapist and as you are searching I suggest you should. For me though, it was basically just a 45min monologue of me retelling her the above in detail and how I feel "awake does" and not sure what do with this all. Like I need to tell someone, make them know - but what's the point or where do you start? It was good to just get it off my chest. So keep pursing that.
I'm still going through it right now and I find it hard to think of everything at once and not let myself go in to deep spirals jumping from one memory to the next. Sometimes I drive and I remember something and it's a bit different, or my sister calls me about something and her memory is actually more aligned to my new version of events. I think on it all for 10 mins of so, trying to really feel the feelings of anger, saddness, etc and then I stop and actively do something else. 
 

I'm not sure if this has helped or is even remotely how you feel! But your self awareness makes me think you can trust yourself and your memories. Start writing and maybe try and think of where you may want to end up post all these memories so when you do see somone they can help you work towards that - whether that be boundaries with your mum, different relationship with your dad, etc

xx