Need Help With Appropriate Response
This is nothing new, it has been an issue since SD6 was a baby even though I have only been around since shortly after SD turned 3. There is something about this child that makes everyone feel sorry for her. Poor, perfect, precious, SD acts out because she has a crappy mother and her parents don't live together anymore. This is used as an excuse to explain away her behavior and it is implied that I need to understand and accept that this is the reason she acts out. Also, it has been used as an excuse for extreme babying that led to emotional, physical, developmental, and maturity delays. It's not just used as a reason for the behavior, it's used to excuse it. It's not just oh, SD acts like that because she has a crappy mom, this is what you should do to fix it. No, it's just oh, SD has a crappy mom, of course she acts like that and that's the end of it. It's like I'm supposed to accept it because that is the reason for the behavior and I shouldn't expect anything different.
What bothers me so much about this is that DD10 also grew up in a house without both parents and had a crappy dad who wasn't involved and has actually been dead for the last 6 years and no one makes that excuse for her. No one says "oh, poor DD shouldn't be expected to be potty trained at 4 years old because she has a crappy Dad, no wonder she poops in her pants" or "oh poor DD, she does not have a dad, it's ok for her to be a holy terror."
My mom brought that up the other day. She told me no wonder SD acts like that, she has to feel rejected by her mom and DH works too much, no wonder she acts that way" and I just want to scream "DD doesn't have a biological father because he is actually dead but you don't make excuses for her. She wasn't allowed to get away with crappy behavior because she doesn't live with two involved biological parents. What's the difference?" Hell, DH's niece was being molested by her older brother and he is now in prison but no one excuses her behavior by saying "oh, poor DN, she was molested by her brother, that's why she acts that way." It's only SD.
Do I have a right to say something to people when they say things like this? I mean, am I being biased in favor of DD here or do I have a legitimate complaint here? How should I respond to people when they say these things?
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Comments
When people make comments
When people make comments about how hard it is being a stepkid I also kind of want to point out that BD is a stepkid also.
I guess they feel she has a more traditional family lifestyle because she lives in one home with a mother and father figure while SD goes back and forth? No one questions DH's role in BD's life. But my role in SD's life is constantly judged and questioned.
Man steplife sucks.
"Yes I realize she had a
"Yes I realize she had a terrible mother but We want to move away from her being a victim and empower her to rise above her circumstance."
I could have written your
I could have written your whole first paragraph word for freaking word.... only my SD is 18 now. And guess what? It NEVER ends.
I actually snapped at SIL a month or so ago, when SD did something shitty that MIL and SIL found out about and SIL was talking to me about it and she said "Well MIL and I agree, it's really not SD's fault because that's how she was raised by the scumbag BM clan" WTF? At what age will SD be expected to be accountable for her shitty behavior? 18? 25? 40? Come on! She knows the difference between right and wrong. SHE chooses the wrong because she CAN! Because she knows there will be no consequences! It's maddening.
I have made that argument so
I have made that argument so many times!!!! I have asked advice on a different message board for help with her behavior problems and was basically told she feels abandoned by her mother so that is why she acts out and she needs lots of hugs. Ok, it's not that I disagree with that but at what point does she start being held accountable for her behavior? Because the excuse that her mother abandoned her at 3 years old will not fly in the real world. I was then told that the real tragedy in SD's life is that she has me for a SM. They also wanted to know what DH would say if he knew how I really felt about his little girl.