isn't this weird? or is it just me?
I've mentioned before in my blog that my boyfriend's family still acts like his ex is still his wife. Well, when bf was on the phone yesterday to his mom, she told him that the ex is coming to stay with her for a week in August (in England) and then go to France to stay with bf's dad for a week.
Two notes: 1) bf hasn't spoken to his father in several years, though ex still has contact with him. 2) Ex and bf have a three-year-old daughter together, so I guess the trip is supossed to be for her (Even though she's too young to remeber much of it).
BF and I will be getting married eventually though no date is set yet... I feel weird because the ex is still filling the "wife" role in the eyes of his family. For example, if they want to send gifts to bf's daughter, they send them to the ex, rather than bf. If they want to send things to bf, they send them to the ex to give to him. They speak and email regularly.
Meanwhile, the ex still manages to stir the pot and try and be a force in bf's life, even though they are now divorced.
Please advise!
- leapinglion's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
It's an opportunity
I happen to have the best mother in law in the world. But I think that you can e mail, phone or write to your in laws and create a good relationship. Send them pics of you and your bf doing fun things, being happy. Parents like to see their kids happy. Ask them ideas for his birthday, tell them what you did to celebrate your 1st year together. That kind of stuff. Remember their special days. Send them candy and flowers - it's like you're courting them. Be sincere about your feelings for their son and share those feelings with them. Any remorse that they may feel about their son's starter marriage failing will soon fade against the pleasure of seeing their son with someone who truly makes him happy.
Weird? Yes and no...
I can sort of understand BM taking the child to visit the grandparents, although it would make more sense for DAD to do that. Frankly, I would love to see our BM go stay with my in-laws for a week. That would be pure entertainment. (But my MIL loves me and hates her, so it's a different story. Still fun to imagine, though.) I don't understand his parents going through her to send stuff to him. That doesn't make sense at all.
I think if it were me, I'd tell him that it makes me uncomfortable that she is still assuming the "wife" role, even though they are no longer together, and that you are concerned that his parents seem to support her in that role. If he is also uncomfortable with it, then I think he should express his discomfort to his parents and ask them if they would be willing to make a change.
I think you have to understand, though, that his parents are adults and free to associate with anyone they want. If they are getting extra time with their grandchild out if it, they may never want to make a change. Not out of disrespect to you, but out of wanting to be with their grandchild. Some BM's can be very vindictive and if they cool off towards her, she could withhold the child from them in retaliation. They might not want to risk that.
What kind of relationship do YOU have with his parents? If it's a good one, then I'd just continue trying to build on that and form your own bond with them. If it's a mediocre one, then maybe try to reach out and develop a friendship. If you have no relationship with them, then who cares?!
BM could be hoping that the grandparents dump cash, gifts, etc. on the child or she could just have an honest attachment to them. Do you have any idea what BM's motives might be? I think I would still maintain a close relationship with my MIL if my hubby and I ever split up. I think she's just the greatest lady in the world and I would want to make sure she and the kids got to spend lots of time together. My mother also maintains contact with my father's mother. In fact, she's 80+ years old and, even though my parents have been divorced for 20+ years, my granny still makes my mom homemade popcorn balls every single year for Christmas just because she knows my mom loves them. They are no longer family, they no longer do family things together, but they are still friends.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Me Too
I still love my ex mil..but out of respect for my ex husband's new wife I stay out of the way...I think the longer my ex is married the more comfortable his wife will be with her new MIL....and realize I am in no way a threat to her. I am her only granddaughter's mother and she was sad we got divorced. I wish my new husband would not feel uncomfortable because I'd love to go to lunch once a year with her and him. As the new woman, just try to establish your own relationship with this woman.
So
the ex is dysfunctional and has major problems. You can't control others, but if bf hasn't talked to his family yet then its long past due. If they continue to disrespect you both, then you have the choice to be a part of their life or not. I find it very rude that they send the gifts to the ex instead of you and bf. That tells me theres some anger on their part toward their son, but really he needs to have a serious talk and let them know she is no longer a part of the family. As for the ex, she is only making herself look pitiful and lonely. Forget any relationship with this woman, you don't want her in your life nor in your business; a mistake too many make because it WILL come back to bite you.