Harder than I thought!
In my mid-20's, I never thought I'd end up with someone who was divorced with a small child. Dealing with The Ex and a stepdaughter is so much harder than I dreamed it would be (not that I thought it would be easy, but you know how things are--sometimes you have to experience them before you fully understand them).
I love my stepdaughter, but she's a complete nightmare. The BM completely indulges this three-year-old (an only child) in every way. She gets anything she wants, whenever she wants it. She gets away with hitting, thowing things, screaming--I have seen it at BM house. I could go on and on and on about her bad behaviour. Needless to say, this little girl throws constant tantrums. There is no discipline whatsoever at BM's house.
She's not even potty-trained, and it looks like she won't be until she's four. Sadly, the BM has the child going to a nanny who looks after children in a different house every day--the poor girl doesn't ever know where she'll be from one day to the next. The nanny has yelled at SD in front of her Dad, and doesn't treat SD very well. Plus, SD can't talk nearly as well as she should be able to at her age, and seems to have a few other small learning issues. However, the nanny doesn't work with her at all regaring these things.
BM is 110% stuck on this child care arangement, no matter how much it's dicussed. She is a control-freak and won't compromise at all on the subject. (Or any parently subjects!)
Long story short, it's a complete bloody nightmare every time we see SD. (We have her two weeknights and then one whole weekend day). It's so exhausting--hour after hour of demands and tantrums and screaming. It's so hard to enforce any kind of rules at our place when BM refuses to compromise her parenting beleifs.
I have this constant guilty feeling, because SD is really a good child at heart, and she has wonderful sweet moments. But half of the time I'm left at my wit's end.
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Have you tried this...
My biological daughter is turning four in two weeks and, believe me, I sooooo feel your pain! }:)
What works for me is getting down on the floor at her eye level and telling her to look at my eyes while I'm speaking to her. That way, I know that she's listening to me and paying attention. Then I make her repeat back whatever I said. Also, I use a whisper or very soft voice, rather than a loud one, because kids are very curious little things and they will listen more closely to try to hear when you are whispering. They don't have to try so hard to listen when you're yelling or speaking loudly.
It's hard to deal with tantrums with you're out and about, but if it stikes outside of the home, one of us will take the child to the car and wait it out or we'll just go home and they lose the privilege of participating in whatever it was we were doing... shopping, dining out, whatever. If it happens at home, I'll pick her up, put her in her room and shut the door. When the tantrum stops, I'll speak to her, but I will not acknowledge a child throwing a temper tantrum. I'll keep an eye out to make sure she's not going to hurt herself or anything, but I will not give her the attention she wants until she asks for it in a nice way. I'll tell her, "Mama will not speak to you until you use a nice voice."
We really don't have the tantrum problem so much anymore, but there were several months from about 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 that she was just impossible. She'd do the "spaghetti baby" routine - going limp - when you'd try to pick her up and move her, scream, hit, kick, all of that. Some of this is just the age, but you have to control it early or they won't ever grow out of it and there's nothing uglier, I'm sure we can all attest, to seeing a ten or twelve-year old throwing a fit in a store.
As for the potty-training, that's got to be a total nightmare. It was hard enough for us potty-training our daughter and we're married living in the same house. I can't imagine trying to potty-train across two different households and whatever the nanny is doing. Consistency is so important! I think you can get the fundamentals down in a just a few days, as in teaching them what you want them to do and where you want them to do it, then it's just a matter of making sure BM and nanny follow-up when they have the child. That's the hard part. What worked for us is getting a Disney Princess tea set and having a tea party with her drinking lots of water while sitting on her potty. Eventually, what goes in has to come out and it just takes a few times of them successfully using the potty to get them motivated to do it every time. There will still be accidents, but getting them to do it at all is the hard part.
Hang in there! It will get easier eventually!
~ Anne ~
Umm maybe
its time to crack down on her. She is at the very age where you can crack down on her and she will learn. YOu tell your BF that you together need to teach her how to behave. I would get down on the floor right next to her every tantrum she throws and do it next to her. She will look at you like your nuts.. And it may calm her down. I would also not give in to any of her demands.. Call Nanny 9-1-1.. They will for sure help you and the BM..
Being a control freak is one thing but dad needs to take a stance here, grow some cahuna's and set her straight. Her behavoir reflects on all of you. Not just BM. I say this because noone is stepping up to the plate right now to teach her differently. Now if you can teach her at your home how to behave nicely, then and only then will it reflect on BM. I say time outs whatever it takes to get her to act right.
It does not sound like this "nanny" daycare thing is not a good environment for this little girl. If she is mean in front of her father can you imagine what she is like to her when none of you are present.. OMG its a scary thought..
I think its time for Dear Dad to stand up to mom and gain some control of her. Before its to late and something bad happens..
Just My Opinion.
Happy
Thanks for the advice! I
Thanks for the advice! I should clarify--we are trying to "lay down the law" at our house, but it's just so hard when there's no consistancy between houses.
Does anyone have any advice about convincing the BM to change tactics (compromise) when she's dead set on her own way of doing things?
A girl can dream ;)...
Ok I am sorry..
hopefully I did not offend you..
Well with her there is nothing you can do.
It is what it is. Is your hubby as fursterated as you are with all this. All he can do is try to talk reason yell whatever it takes for her to just come to her senses.. The sad thing is this little girl will grow up and then be so out of control the BM will probably push her to you guys.. Tell your BF to take a stance now that if she refuses to do soemthing about her behavior now that when its so far out of control that you two will not take her off her hands.. Because it will be all her fault.
Maybe that will help...
Yup, BF is upset, too, but
Yup, BF is upset, too, but he has a hard time dealing with the Ex Wife. He has tried talking to her (and when that didn't work, arguing with her) several times about the stuff I described, but to no avail. Whenever he does or says something she doesn't like, BM responds by trying to limit his time with his daughter. Which, of course, wears him down.
Maybe he just needs to keep trying and keep trying. As for me, it's hard to know where my "place" is--so far I've kept my mouth shut, but sometimes I'm just dying to say something to BM!
hmmm
Not potty training at her age, not speaking well- sounds like BM isn't doing her job as a mom-- Potty training is not an option it is the primary care givers responsiblity especially at your SD's age, as well as teaching the child- if she is continuing to have language development delay- she should be seeing a speech therapist- end of story- otherwise it will hurt her in her academic future- as for Temper tantrums, It should'nt be terrible twos it should be the threes- When my Sd has one she goes to time out until she calms down and then we discuss why that was an inapproprita response- then she gets a privilage taken away (such as movie time, dessert, a toy) because " Big girls earn their privilages and her response was not a big girl response" Hope this helps
I like how you phrased that!
I like how you phrased that! Thanks--I will use that