Am I alone in thinking we should all put aside our personal feelings for our children??
Quick intro on my situation! I am a Mom to a 6 year old boy & the Mom of a 6 year old little girl! I have been with my SO for 4 years....since the kdis were in diapers. SD6 & I have a GREAT relationship. BM & SO also have a GREAT relationship. We've worked very hard to get where we are. Now, our only issue is the BM. She REFUSES to ackmowledge me as part of her daughter's life. We live in the same town & there are times that SO can't pick up his daughter in time & she refuses to drop her off to me or let me pick her up even though she WANTS to come over to spend time with my BS & myself. I won't even get into everything she has put me, SO & our family through when the split 1st happened. She lied in court, attempted false restraining orders & took money that was not hers. At this stage of the game, NONE of the matters to me. What matters to me is that neither of these children grow up for one moment feeling 2nd best or unimportant or unloved.
I reached out to BM several times in letters advising that my only cincern is what is best for both kids. I let her know that I would never step on her toes as a mother, I would never bad mouth her or allow anyone else to bad mouth her in front of people & that I don't want to be SD Mom....I just want to be her friend. NOTHING. I used to take SD out to shop for her Mom for Mother's Day & never got a thank you so I stopped. She looks at me like an insect when the reality is I'm doing what's in HER daughters best interest.
Do I just let go of this & realize she will never recognize me? It actually hurts my feelings that I'm trying to do right by a child & am getting no assistance from her own mother!!
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I'm sorry....I'm a MOM to 6
I'm sorry....I'm a MOM to 6 year old boy & a STEPMOM to a 6 year old girl! Oopsie!
"Do I just let go of this &
"Do I just let go of this & realize she will never recognize me?"
^^^ Yup, unfortunately.
Do yourself a favor also, and stop expecting or wanting BM to recognize you're doing a good job at parenting her child when she's in your care. The chances of it actually happening are slim to none.
I have a SS9. I have been with his dad (now my DH) since SS was 3. His BM has never actually even acknowledged that I exist. I let DH handle all the communication and pick ups/drop offs with her directly. He's their kid, not mine. Not that I love him less for that.. it's just that... he's not my kid.
Anything you do for your SD, you should do because you want to, and because you love her. Don't do it for BM, or expect her to thank you for it... ever. You'll just end up being resentful of 'everything you've done for SD, without any appreciation or thanks from BM'.
My BS asked my SD the other
My BS asked my SD the other day, "Why doesn't your Mom like my Mom?" And she said, "Oh, she DOES like your Mom. She just doesn't like her style. Ladies don't wear hoop earrings or high heels!" I L'edMFAO!!
My poor SD gets so weird the very few times that her BM & I have interacted. I have the ability to completely slap on that face & make it like we're best friends for the 5 minutes we're in front of the kids. The BM is 100% the one who makes it weird for SD, myself, SO, BS & HERSELF! I don't understand how people can be so juvenile & who have such little control over there reactions or emotions. It makes me angry to see a Mom who can't put on an act in the best interest of her OWN CHILD! How selfish can one be? I think THAT is what makes me so mad. Her clear inability & refusal to put her own child's needs before her own feelings. Isn't that waht Mom's do??
From my experience you can
From my experience you can say all the right things it does not matter, the BM is the BM and it goes her way. You can be on the same page with BM but once you are not - forget it, they will turn on a dime and you are to blame. You "no longer care" about the skids. So do not put yourself out there with her.
I am done, we had crisis with my SS and once we did not agree with her or refuse to pay money, I was the enemy and everything was my fault.
I will have nothing to do her ever again, will not even be in the same room. BM and I used to be friends on FB and I unfriended her because I could not stand to see her name when she posted something.
I read a wonderful book once
I read a wonderful book once about Step Parenting and the best line in the whole book is:
WE CAN'T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS - WE CAN ONLY CONTROL OUR REACTIONS TO THEM. Welcome to the world of the psycho BM's - there is nothing you can do to make her change so don't try - just change your reaction to her. Good luck!!!
I love that!!! Welcome to
I love that!!! Welcome to the world of th psycho BM's. WE CAN ONLY CONTROL OUR REACTIONS TO THEM. Let me just keep repeating that over and over!!!
My BS asked my SD the other
My BS asked my SD the other day, "Why doesn't your Mom like my Mom?" And she said, "Oh, she DOES like your Mom. She just doesn't like her style. Ladies don't wear hoop earrings or high heels!" I L'edMFAO!! My poor SD gets SO weird the very few times that her BM & I have interacted. I have the ability to completely slap on that face & make it like we're best friends for the 5 minutes we're in front of the kids. The BM is 100% the one who makes it weird for SD, myself, SO, BS & HERSELF! I don't understand how people can be so juvenile & who have such little control over there reactions or emotions. It makes me angry to see a Mom who can't put on an act in the best interest of her OWN CHILD! How selfish can one be?
I can honestly tell you that
I can honestly tell you that I have the reverse situation...I have never liked BM#2... EVER. I tried in the beginning to be friendly, civil what have you, but it was an act and that is not my style. She was nasty to me for no reason a couple of times and after that I said forget it. She apologized and wanted us to be "friends" I told my DH.. hell to the no. I refuse to be fake for the sake of anyone. Now I don't bad mouth her, (at least in ear shot of SS12) but I have no desire to be friendly with her. She is not someone that I would be friendly with even if I had nothing to do with SS and DH. It's funny you said your BM looks at you like an insect.. because that is how I feel about my BM.. she is an annoying insect that I would love to squash under my foot. Maybe I'm a juvenile 40 year old, but to be perfectly honest with you, in my whole life, she is one of maybe 4 or 5 people that I can think of that I just don't like period. Why should I have to "pretend" to like someone??
I carry the same outlook in
I carry the same outlook in general. I'm not fake for anyone.....except my kids! I just don't see how making a 6 year old uncomfortable or confused benefits anyone! The hatred I carry for my ex-husband is immeasurable. But if you asked my BS.....we're good friends! I just think faking it for the sake of small kids is what is best for them as painful as it is for us! Good luck!! Exes SUCK!!
If my SD were 6, I might suck
If my SD were 6, I might suck it up and interact with BM. But she's not. She's 15, and has gotten on the bad side of BM enough that she doesn't blame me for ignoring BM's existence.
BM is as two-faced as a fake coin. You should see the pure syrup she sends via email, but the venom in her words and on her face (according to DH and SD15) is so poisonous that if words killed I would have been dead years ago.
Thanks, but no thanks - getting along with BM won't help my relationship with SD15 any, or make her feel any better about her life. It's not worth the hassle.
I meant to write SO & BS (my
I meant to write SO & BS (my boyfriend & my son!) have a GREAT relationship! All of these initials throw me off! LOL!
I think we might be in the
I think we might be in the same situation. My step kids are great..their mother is a piece of work......
I have tried on several occasions to be nice....i have met with her twice now so she will feel better about things for 3.5 hrs each time...let her ask me anything she would like to know and have given her honest answers. She is a bitter woman.
and like you she will not allow me to be added to the pick up list at kids school... we are going to court and hopefully that will change?
all i can say is hang in there and i guess at least we are not alone. and it just makes me be a better ex wife because i know what i do not want to act like so it makes me communicate with ex much better. Like I told the BM, i may not always like what my ex does....but we have moved on and he is no longer my problem and as long as my kids are ok and ok with how things are its all good.....