On January 1, my DH and I had a LONG talk about some issues in our marriage, related to his kids. It's a month later, and nothing has changed.

My biggest complaint on January 1 was that he always seemed to put the kids first. I was begging him to spend time with me- to take me out. No dates in the last 30 days. I started teasing him Friday night, "so where are we going this weekend?" He started listing all the things he needed to do for the weekend... So yesterday (Saturday) we both did our own thing. All three skids were supposed to be at their mother's but only 1 went. When DH called that he wasn't going to be back in time to get SS15 to catch the bus for his ballgame, he asked me to take SS to town. I told DH I was unable to do that, as I had other plans. He wasn't real happy when he got home and saw that my plans were reading a book and watching our son8 play Wii. But he made it home in time to get SS to school to catch the bus, so no real harm was done.

A few hours later, he came back from dropping SS to the school and chopping fire wood. He had his (step)nephew with him- a pleasant young man who is very helpful; he had been helping out in the woods. DH fixes them some warm food, and calls me into the bedroom. He tells me he was "going to" take me out tonight, but since his mom was too sick to watch BS8, we'd just have to stay in. Since nephew was having some problems at home, he wanted to know if it was okay for nephew to stay. Whatever. Like it's some consolation he thought about taking me out... I commented that it wouldn't be a "real date," but maybe he could go to town and get some burgers and fries for BS, nephew and himself and me... "I'm not hungry," he said, and left to play vidoegames with BS and nephew.

Well, hell, I didn't ask you if you were hungry, I was, and after already fixing your breakfast and your lunch, I didn't feel like fixing you dinner too.

I made dinner for BS and I only- leftovers from Friday night. "Where's mine?" he asked a while later. He didn't understand why I growled at him. Phone rang. SS bus back from ball game, he needed a ride home. DH and nephew drove to town to get him. DH was kind enough to bring me home a soda from town- that's my weakness, and we don't keep soda in the house. DH, nephew and SS worked out in the garage on a project most of the evening, and came in as "Weekend Update" was ending on SNL. That's my cue for light's out. DH had the nerve to ask for "play time." I pretended to be too sleepy to hear him.

This morning, SD17, SS and nephew were in the kitchen, fixing eggs and bacon. SD was fussing on them not to make messes. SS woke up DH so they could meet up with DH's brother to cut more firewood. The kids made enough breakfast for themselves and DH. When BS8 came in and wanted eggs, SS told him there wasn't any left. DH told BS8 to fix himself a bowl of cereal. BS8 came in the bedroom and crawled in bed with me instead. He asked about church, but I told him my headache was too bad this morning, we;ll go to the night service instead. BS wanted to play in bathtub, so I let him.

DH came in and snuggled up next to me. "Hug me, hold me," he pleaded. I told him I didn't want to hold anyone I was angry with. He wanted to know why I was mad?! Ugh. I pushed him onto the floor. He crawled back up on other side of the bed and asked what was wrong. I told him I wasn't really mad, so much as lonely. I was tired of being a second class citizen in my own home, and that the only time he's nice is when he wants sex. I told him I was happy he'd stepped up for his nephew last night, but that it just knocked me down a peg. That I'd listen to him "talk" to the dog all morning, and had taken care of all of her needs but hadn't even talked to me. I told him I hated the dog, and it was stupid to be jealous of a dog. (Displaced anger, I'm sure, but I really do hate that mutt...)

He then had the nerve to tell me he doesn't want to take me out cause all I do is talk negative stuff, and try to tell him things he doens't want to hear. He's right. But someone has to tell him the shitty things his kids do. So I'm at a no-win point. I either ignore the shitty things his skids do, and I get bitter from holding it all in- and he takes me on dates. I tell him the shitty things, and he gets mad and doesn't take me on dates. I get bitter because he's not taking me out, so my anger allows me to notice even more of the shitty things the skids do...

I'm stuck, like a hamster on a wheel. I've told him things need to get better, but they're not. He's not working at trying to make it better- he wouldn't go with me Friday to see the counselor... I told her I knew it was getting bad, but I had at least made my mind up to try for five more months; until after SD17s graduation. There's already enough turmoil in the house for her- which she creates- but I don't want to add to it. Let her finish her senior year in some semblance of peace...

Not really a way to live a life... DH and boys are out in woods. SD17 is at work. BS8 must be giant prune by now, cause he's been playing in the tub almost an hour. DH is meeting his X later today to pick up SS14.

Me, I'm reading a book, and doing my own laundry. Going into "the city" for shopping and evening church service later this afternoon. Plan to take BS and myself to my favorite restaurant. Not a date with DH like I want, but at least it's a plan that will make me somewhat happy...