change is in the air
New here. Went to the computer tonight to find a site like this and thank god here I am. Today I decided I am "over it". I am a SM to two SS (11, and 14) and I have two sons of my own (11 and 15). I am a 25 year teacher so I know a thing or two (or a million!) about raising kids. Problem is that my partner is not competent in his parenting and I think I was blinded by love. I have worked tirelessly to promote consistency and boundaries backed up with love and positive reinforcement. I get it. I get my place. I've done it well and with respect(for the most part, and under these circumstances). But today, I just realized that I don't want to do it all anymore, because the SSs just don't have the respect that they should have. I'm backing off and focusing on my own two sons and giving up being the pushy SM to the other two. They are on their own. Potato chips for breakfast? Sure!! Eight hours of Fortnight? Why not?? I can't do it without reinforcement for their dad, so I am letting their dad and BM take the reigns from here forward. I was always trying to be appropriately involved, but I guess you can't be involved if the other two parts of the parenting here don't do their part and invest in working as a team. And it's not my job. I had magical thinking that I could build this family with my two hands. so now.... I'm admitting it's too much tonight. Freedom! I feel free! Whew. Thanks for letting me vent. Perhaps I'll feel differently tomorrow, but for tonight I am enjoying this empowering feeling that I am pretending I have.... lol
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How are your kids going to
How are your kids going to feel that they get to do all the stuff they want, while they can't? Chores for your kids and not his? Will they feel resentful? Will you feel resentment?
It's so hard... ultimately I decided step-hell wasn't something I could do. Perhaps you can ignore better than I can?
yes
Yes... we've already played the game over here of "why do they get to do it differently than we do" on many different iterations of me giving up on stepparenting back and forth over the years together, and my frustration from the really bad parenting on the other side of the team. Everyone should have to take a test to be a parent, and everyone should definately be required to take a parenting test before you fall in love with someone.
I'm just really, really tired tonight and I needed to vent. Thank you for letting me. I already love this site. hahahhaha.
On a serious note, I think I do need to back off and do less of the consistent parenting with the discipline and the boundary setting. I am not going to be able to parent with people who don't share the same expectation and ideas that I do.
It's interesting, because my 15 year old sees it and actually feels badly for my partner's two kids, too.
I just need a bit of a break, and maybe I will have a bit more energy. None of us got into these relationships because they were going to be easy, but we did get into them naively!
Death by 1000 small cuts...
Death by 1000 small cuts...
Empathy for you
Welcome to Steptalk! I am a 75yo SM still working thru issues from the past. I remember that exact feeling of exhaustion you are having. I'm glad you found us, I'm relatively new, too. How I wish I'd had this site 45 years ago! Get some rest and see how you feel in the morning. Rest well.
Thank you for this!
Thank you for this! Sometimes all we need is a bit of empathy from someone who "gets it". Step-parenting exhaustion is the real deal and I am going to concentrate on some self-care this weekend. Bless you! Thanks!
Welcome to the site!
" I had magical thinking that I could build this family with my two hands."
Yeah, we all thought that, pretty much. That if we were good enough at being step parents, the SKIDs would come round and we would all be one big happy family. WRONG!! The complicated dynamics of step families (see the book "Stepmonster" for this) and often parental alienation on the part of the BM, all conspire to demolish our naive hopes. Time to reconfigure your role, I think - good luck!
I agree, disengage. If your
I agree, disengage. If your boys ask why they get treated differently, say, "You have different parents." Someday, maybe soon, your kids will appreciate that you were a better parent for them (sounds like your 15 yo is starting to already), ie, when they are successful, functional adults, and the skids are not.
I always wonder, though, if I could maintain love and respect for someone who is such a poor parent - because to me, he's neglecting his kids and I would find that unattractive. (My DH is a good parent, I'm here because of a crazy BM).
"I always wonder, though, if
"I always wonder, though, if I could maintain love and respect for someone who is such a poor parent".... this is the question, isn't it... this has been an issue lately... very insightful of you... I was thrilled to find a loving, romantic partner who wanted to be with me in all the ways I had never experienced before. I learned about him as a man, as a boyfriend, as a professional, as an intellectual, as a spiritual partner....but NOT as a father. I think I naively thought that because he had all of these other amazing traits, that it would be obvious that he would be a good father too. And then after I was already so deeply in love, we started to blend the family. So, excuses, excuses, but there was a part of me that believed as an educator I could just compensate for all of his (and the BMs) failings. fastforward 5 years later and I'm spent. I'm cooked. I'm exhausted. and I'm done. I can't parent in a bubble. You HAVE to be aligned in your parenting philosophy with the person you share kids in the same home with... OR you HAVE to choose not to parent together. Anything else would be epic failure. That is why I have decided to disengage from being the one who sets up any kind of structure for his kids and will only focus on mine. My kids will have the structure and they actually get it. Yes, my 15 year old gets it. In moments of clarity not affected by typical teen self-centered attitude, he says "mom, I see how hard you work with them and you just need to stop. They don't care about doing better, or being better." While my son doesn't always want rules and structure, he understands it is important. And all four boys really get along well! They really like each other! We have created a nice home for the. But as far as home structure for them, without the back up of the SSs Dad, I will fail. There is no other option. And yes, it is unattractive and not inspiring to be with a partner who is a lackluster parent. It's a strange situation. The kids will be gone from the home in just a few years. He wasn't meant to be a dad. Or at least a kick-ass amazing dad. But I feel like we chose to bring human beings into the world, so we should be good at what we do. And if it doesn't come naturally, then we should learn and grow. sigh.... but that's just me...
Oh... and one more thing... I
Oh... and one more thing... I get it... as a SM, it is not in my best interest or with high levels of success to be the one to discipline. It needs to come from him. It is not my role. I have read all kinds of books on stepparenting philosophy. I have just been in a really strange situation where their Dad doesn't parent, so it has been left to me. All of it.
I just need to put my seatbelt on and hold on because the tides are changing and my shift here to disengagement is going to be monumental (and will result in total chaos around here - lol). I will keep you informed.
"I have just been in a really strange situation where their Dad
doesn't parent."
NOT SO STRANGE. More the RULE than the exception!!!1
Greetings!
Welcome to the this site!
yes, you have realized what has become our unofficial motto: "you cannot care more than the parents do".
- kiddo doesnt brush teeth without reminders? Not your issue
- Kiddo snacks before meals? OK!
- Kiddo has no bedtime? Oh well...
HOWEVER, if the bio parents push back on your disengagement, you must stand firm.
Dh over here, he tried parenting the eldest, but in my opinion wasnt consistent enough, for various reasons. Munchkin SD14, she has more emotional maturity than her sister who is 21. SD21 Feral Forger doesnt have a drivers license, barely graduated high school, doesnt have a job now for almost 2 years, and isnt taking college courses...she is currently couch surfing and sometimes drops by her mothers house. She has gone no contact with me, as well as her father. Oh and she is RUDE AF
Munchkin, she is very nice and sweet and respectful. I say "hey can you take care of your dishes?" She chirps back "sure". She sais my name more than she sais "Dad". Im happy to help her out. We go do things just her and I. She gets upset when I back off from parenting her, she WANTS me to parent her.
I have been told and agree with the statement "if they dont want you to parent them, there is nothing you can do..."
So, if your steps dont accept you in the parenting role and the bio parents do not accept you in the parenting role, theres nothing for you to work with.
Your 15 yo sounds emotionally mature. They are so smart, these kids! I have no bios of my own, and Munchkin is always surprising me. Then I catch her watching anime cartoons giggling and remember shes still a kid. lol.
Being a teacher gives you better insight (what grades?) and you obviously are a people person who enjoys children.
Many times, when someone who enjoys children gets into a marriage/relationship with someone who has miserable brats, they end up not really liking the children - in fact some have admitted to hating them. When in fact its the parents who failed, and who deserve the blame...
You are speaking my truth right now!
DH is THE BEST in 9 ways out of 10, but his parenting is...hard for me. But today I told him how I felt and he validated, validated, validated, and I had to push back. I don't want to hear I'm right and then have him never change. I need to hear his thoughts and feelings and then we have got to collaborate and compromise to get on the same page. I totally recognize I will only ever see minimal change AT BEST in his parenting, and it's hard to watch him fall so short when I think he's so amazing in so many other ways. But my first marraige should have taught me that you can't fall in love with someone's potential. People are who they're showing you they are. I don't know what the answer is, but I know I don't have it.
Different parenting style
What's been hard for me is to accept is that my DH had, and still has, a different parenting style and to accept it ( because what choice do I have). He was an active parent, I'll say that, not only to his 3 but my 2, as well. He was big on yelling and screaming, overindulgent and lack of consequences. But, I guess the proof is in the pudding and all are excellent parents and hard workers. His only failure is SD58, the mni-wife.
I'm more laid back, no screaming but when I got serious, they knew it. I could have any of them in tears in 5 minutes, even big tough teenage boys. Lol.
"But my first marraige should
"But my first marraige should have taught me that you can't fall in love with someone's potential. People are who they're showing you they are. I don't know what the answer is, but I know I don't have it."
Nice! Love that. That made me feel totally validated and heard and understood. Yup. I don't have the answer either, but I know one thing. I don't need to fix everything for everyone.