Difficult stepdaughter
I'm new to this but hope no one will judge and will be able to help me
My stepdaughter is 13 almost 14 in a few months. I have been around her since she was 9.
There are so a any things that have happened but I will just bullet point it for you otherwise this would take years lol.
I married her dad 3 years ago.
Her mother is deceased and has been since she was 8. They were never married and broke up when she was 2.
She has always manipulated to get her way with everyone and used here tragedy to get her those things.
I do not play into her manipulating and she doesn't like that, I also don't baby hr like every else does.
My husband and I had a precious baby boy 19 months ago and she's always hated him. She told me she didn't like him or me many times but when people are around she puts on a good show and makes it seem she's this great big sister and her and I are so great friends. So not the case behind closed doors.
She never obeys any direction she's given no matter who gives it. She smiles and acts like she will but then never does it and then when is confronted about it, she Lies or makes up excuses to justify her behavior and turns it around in you.
She is mainly arguing with me about everything and anything and is hateful with me but will not do it in front of her dad. He obviously believes me when I tell him this stuff so she still gets in trouble for it. He tells me I'm better off not interacting with her bc it's just stress I don't need. I just feel sad bc it's not how I want things to be. But unless things are all on her terms and go exactly her way, which just can't be, wee do not get along.
We want to start trying for another baby soon to, and for awhile I worried how she'd act but then I got advice that she can't control our marriage and we can't let her otherwise she is getting her way.
I just feel very heartbroken because I love her and want a good thing with her but it's nearly impossible when she's like this.
Any advice would be greatly appreciate.
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Comments
Has there been counseling
Has there been counseling involved since the loss of her mother and can you go into detail about her father's parenting skills? Does he have the same opinion as you or does he baby her?
I reread this and I'll jump
I reread this and I'll jump to the conclusion that Dad gives her the attention she wants when she wants it and that's why she continues to behave the way she does. Your husband MUST start putting his foot down and creating boundaries for his daughter. He is not doing her any favors by letting her get her way and manipulate people.
Honestly, you need to be frank and have an open logical discussion where you share what you've shared here. This needs to be under control before you consider having another baby.
Mostly, if BM (Birth Mom) was still around, we'd tell SMs to disengage because they have 2 parents that can raise them and it's best that you worry about your children and disengage from her and stop giving her the attention she craves. I would say this - it's not your obligation to discipline this girl. It's your husbands and he needs to step up and do his job as a parent right now. This will get so much worse if its allowed to continue for even 6 more months.
Tough love. IT's key here.
THIS^^^
THIS^^^
She goes to counseling once a
She goes to counseling once a week. He hs taken some time to come around with disciplining her but he and I are finally on the same page. I think she has always been babied her whole life bc shess had so many different houses and sets if rules so she knew how to get what she wanted out if each person.
And that is why she is acting
And that is why she is acting out more now. She knows your DH is on the same page. You guys just stick to your guns. It is the only way it will work. As time goes by you might like her.
I've wondered if that's why
I've wondered if that's why she's gotten worse bc now it's affecting her relationship with her dad and he barely likes being around her.
I'm not for sure but that is
I'm not for sure but that is what happened in my situation. My SD could only blame him for things and when she saw that he didn't even care that she was blaming him for anything anymore she had no reason to put effort into being such a brat anymore.
Oh yea she blames him for
Oh yea she blames him for everything like last week he told her to take care of chores before electronics and he'd tell her if there was something specifically he wanted here to do. She skippe chores and went straight for the electronics and tried to sAy he told her her that she didn't have chores except what he'd tell her to do. She does stuff like that all the time because she can't ever take responsibility for any if here actions. They are always someone else's fault.
She told me she didn't like
She told me she didn't like him or me many times but when people are around she puts on a good show and makes it seem she's this great big sister and her and I are so great friends. So not the case behind closed doors.
This really stands out to me, and I find it alarming if your DH is buying her act. Is your DH aware of this behavior, and if so, how does he handle her verbalizing that she does not like her baby brother?
He yelled at her . And told
He yelled at her . And told her if she feels that way then she needed to stay away from both of us behind closed doors and with a crowd. Any suggestions for what he should have done? He addresses it anytime she's hateful but she sits and stares at him and says nothing or maybe ok. Bent that's it. It's like talking to a brick wall.
He isn't blind to his
He isn't blind to his daughter's negative behavior, so nope no suggestions. I like his response to her, and that he is consistent. Things would be much worse if he made excuses for her.
Yea he does deal with these
Yea he does deal with these things when they happen but she has no reaction to him. She barely responds. She does that to me. If I'm trying to talk to out things that need discussed and she doesn't wnt to she just sits and stares at me.
Sounds like she likes the
Sounds like she likes the attention she gets by playing loving stepdaughter and big sister when others are around to see it.
Why not out her in front of others? "Why SD, I'm surprised you're acting like this in front of other people! Didn't you just tell me that you hate my guts and that you wish your half-brother was never born? You don't ever talk to us when there aren't people around to see it. So why are you acting like you never said that now?"
Sure, she'll probably be embarrassed. And some adults may look at you like a monster (but you're a SM so you'll get that anyway!). But it might get her to understand that she can't say something and not be held responsible for those words. And public embarrassment may be a big motivator for her to shape up.
^^^^Love This!
^^^^Love This!
He doesn't give her attention
He doesn't give her attention anymore bc it's all negative anyways. A few years ago, I would totally have agreed with you but he has actually gotten away better about her and been stepping up and disciplining her.
My husband has told me do
My husband has told me do disengage and I have thought about recording her. He always believe me and disciplines her when I tell him but nothing works. He's spanked, grounded, scolded . Nothing changes. She's blank faced all through any if it.
When you say do nothing for
When you say do nothing for her, would you include laundry and meal making?
She sounds horrible!
She sounds horrible!
She's a real peach lol I use
She's a real peach lol I use to quit doing her laundry and my husband said he didn't understand why and it was making more work for us by making her do extra chores bc it's like pulling teeth getting her to do anything. And I suggested not letting her eat what I make and he doesn't understand tht either. He says we can do it if it is what I want but he tnks it's going to cause more problems.
I found a birthday card she
I found a birthday card she apparently made for me in the garbage can right on top this morning. (My bday isn't for another week) I figured she did this to get a rise out of me.
Yes she wanted you to see it
Yes she wanted you to see it for sure. I know it stings, but don't let her know it. Don't even let her know you saw it. Leave it there and let her father find it.
I sent a picture of it up to
I sent a picture of it up to her dad already. H thinks she's reidiculous and did it on purppse.
I so want to hear that he
I so want to hear that he told SD that he intercepted that card and you don't know anything about it. I want to hear that he told her she is being a rotten person treating you this way and he has had enough of these games. Then I want to hear she has been grounded for 2 weeks and she is not to even look at you sideways! Hey I can dream can't I?
He actually did rip her a new
He actually did rip her a new one last night abut these games she's playing and that he's done with it. Idk I f he mentioned the card bc I didn't want her to know I knew. And I'm sure she knows not to look or talk to me bc I won't be acknowledging her. And if not, she will learn the hard way. I don't plan on being pleasant unless we have a crowd just like she does.
Good news! Sounds like he is
Good news! Sounds like he is trying to sort this all out. Good luck to him I hope he can turn things around.
I've already planned a rip
I've already planned a rip for my husband son and myself but not taking her. I'm sure we will get crap for it but I won't enjoy my trip if she he comes. I get told a lot "you are the her adult. She's the kid. You know how to act" it's so annoying. And my mother in law and step mom are the ones who tell me that.
I talked to my husband and
I talked to my husband and he's on board with me not doing anything for her anymore. So I guess we will see how it goes. She has a way if telling people her version if things here at home and it gets them to think we are awful. Once last summer on vacation, she told my MiL tha I loved my son more than her and she waned to live with them. It caused huge huge problems.