please help
I am in a situation where i am confused and upset. My partner of nearly 3 years who i have been living with for 2 years and i are having massive issues.
I wonder about him and his ex who have not yet got divorced. They have gone through the settlement process. She has the kids 65% of the time and us for 35%. She has a partner that she left her husband for and they live together.
My issue is that I recently found some emails between them both where she was asking if she wondered why they had not yet got a divorce, and was it because they both wondering if things were going to change in the future? Then said it sounds like you're in love so why dont we get divorced, maybe it's time.
His response was that he was still sad about the way they parted. That she was a nice person it was easy to see why they spent so many happy years together etc. He didnt say that he was in love and yes it's time for a divorce.
She instigates most of the communication between them which is several times a week. He is a wonderful father and wants to do everything for his kids. i love him for that. He often is at the school for things that his ex asks him to. From sports events to merit awards and everything in between. He is now wanting to attend his 7 yr old's child psychologist apt with her.
I feel like they are possibly not over and have had no closure, however he assures me she means nothing to him.
When i asked him to get a divorce or email her back to let her know that he is in love and happy with me and intends to have a future with me he would not do it. He is paranoid that she will stop him having access to the kids and sure as anything she now has. All because I asked him to organise a seperate apt with the psychologist and that i wanted to go with him. Yesterday he told her that he wasnt going with her instead making another time to do so with me as the behaviour issues are very different in each of the homes. She has now not allowed the children to come over to stay last night. He is angry, blames me and does not see that she manipulates and completely controls him through the kids
I feel jealous and insecure as other than move in with me he has made no commitment and doesnt seem in a hurry to get divorced.
what should i do? Just put up with him spending time with her regularly for the sake of the children and pulling all the strings using the kids as a carrot? I love him so much but feel like i am sharing him with her. Like her needs and wants come first. Help with some advice here please. Am i crazy, jealous paranoid or should i get out of the relationship?
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Comments
^^THIS^^ This situation is
^^THIS^^
This situation is why you don't get involved with married people. WAAAAAY too much baggage. If it's a done deal, then it's done.
he doesn't sound like he is
he doesn't sound like he is ready for a relationship. it sucks. im sorry.
maybe you leaving and letting him know that his not being rest is why might wake him the hell up.
im sure someone else will be along with better advice, this is just my take on it.
good luck either way!
Oh goodness run.. quick. I
Oh goodness run.. quick. I completely agree with poster above. Even if you do trust him, theres nothing worse than the what-if in the back of your mind. My FDH was not completely divorced when we met either, paperwork took forever and she wouldnt agree to this or that etc. Drove me nuts, I wouldnt 'be in a relationship' until everything was final. We just 'dated'.
Hes clearly is not ready to let go of her, and that alone would kill me. In these types of relationships (where they share SO much background) you always wonder if theyll just toss you and go back to them cause that would solve so many problems.
He just might have feelings for you, but you might just be someone on the side to help him get his sh*t straight. Either way I hope you make the best decision for yourself. Better to get out now before you get in the position where its not so easy to leave.
Hi, its seems to me that he
Hi, its seems to me that he should already have gotten divorced and been totally committed to you. You said that you have been together for 3 years. If he cant say that he is madly in love with you to her then maybe its time you rethink your situation. You have already put three years of your life into this relationship. I am sorry that your SO is acting like this but it just sounds like he is not ready to commit. Good luck though. The only person that can make that decision is you. My advice is to trust your instincts. Like I said Good luck.
I agree. . .LOTS of red flags
I agree. . .LOTS of red flags here. Save yourself a life of misery and find yourself a nice, unattached, CHILDLESS man!!
You'll be SOOOOO much better off! Unless you actually ENJOY health and happiness-killing DRAMA day in and day out.
I would agree that there are
I would agree that there are some red flags ...it sounds like you just need to have that tough conversation and ask the tough questions with your BF. He may just be struggling emotionally with the fact his first marriage was unsuccessful -not that he wants it back, just maybe he's coming to terms with it and recognizing his role in everything that happened. Maybe he's trying to figure out his new role will work - he's still a father but not a husband, seeking some sort of civil relationship with the Ex for the sake of their child, etc... My DH had been divorced 30 days when we met and I had concerns. When we would talk about our future I was very clear that I wanted to get married, have children, etc - I was on no timeline, just making him aware of I want ...if he did not really respond I asked the tough questions - ie: do you want the same? or how do you see your future? Soooo....I think maybe you should first re-visit what it is you really want for yourself, what type of relationship and future do you want? and then ask your BF what he wants - leave the Ex and SS out of it - what do you 2 want for the 2 of you? JMO