End of my rope and completely ashamed
I'm curled up on the floor shaking in tears as I write this. My 5 year old step daughter who lives with my husband and I, has way too much control over our family and the dysfunctional behavior going on. I stay at home with her all day everyday during the week while my husband works. A year ago I got pregnant with my first biological child. I was shell shocked and overcome by fear and dread. I looked into having an abortion. I don't believe in killing fetuses and I have desperately wanted to be a mother my whole life. Behavioral issues with stepD are so upsetting, defeating and crippling that I decided that bringing a new baby into the same home with stepD would further destroy our family unit as well as turn my bio baby into a monster by following her half sisters example. I've been in psycho therapy for 16+ years and am no stranger to looking into myself to find the cause for an issue. When I can't pinpoint the cause of said problem, I closely examine my behavior with my psychologist and we devise a plan for the next couple weeks and what I'm able to do to cope, and encourage positive listening and healthy connections with stepD. NOTHING works. She doesn't listen, she doesn't behave, she lies about 90% of the time about things as big as stealing and destroying technogical property, to things as menial as who shredded and entire box of tissues on her bedroom floor. I can't trust her words. I can't trust her to behave how she has been raised to behave. I'm her primary caregiver and have been her live in mother for 3+ years. I cook her meals, I purchase and launder her clothes, I bathe her, take care of her nails, trim, brush, wash, dry and style her hair. I make her dr apts, and take her to them. I pick up medications and administer them. I get her up every morning for breakfast, and tuck her into bed for the night after reading stories and praying. The other adults in her life are not interested in her wellbeing, they would rather be fun and endulge her every whim. She's spoiled rotten, has an entitled attitude, argues with adults in a condescending demanding tone. When she doesn't get her way, she throws a fit and everyone caves into her desires...except me. I'm trying to love her, to keep caring, to keep trying...... But I give up. I have been looking into divorcing her dad, not because I don't love him or want to be with him, we are all miserable being around her and if her dad and I split, she would no longer be my problem. I don't ever want anyone to know I'm a parent to her. I'm appalled by her behavior and am humiliated that people see her as my child. NO child of mine would EVER act this way. If they did they would be shipped off to someone/somewhere that could straighten her out. I CANNOT keep killing myself trying with no positive results. If I didn't have a young biological baby who needs me-suicide would be my first option. Divorce would be my second. What the hell am I supposed to do??? She is ruining our home and our family
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Comments
You have nothing to be
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Please, take your child and leave. Go to a shelter if money is a problem. Get a job, start putting YOUR life back together.
Look seriously at this situation. You are suicidal over a situation that you CAN change. So change it.
You can do this.
((((HUGS)))) You don't have
((((HUGS))))
You don't have to divorce your husband just to cut your ties and responsibilities to SD. Have you heard and read up about disengagement?? Time to tell your DH he needs to arrange alternative care while he is at work, daycare, other family members etc. He must know what effect this situation is having on you, either he'll want to do what's needed to help, or he'll be an ass who will throw the "you hate my child" comment in your face and THAT'S why/when you should divorce him.
Seriously luv, disengage! Commit to it! I did because I couldn't stand my SD5 and her fathers lack of parenting, few months later, he finally stepped up, he realized the hassle and hard work it took to be a solo parent and WHY I didn't want to be apart of it. It was hard at first and caused conflict between us, but I stuck with it and didn't offer a hand with anything!
SD(nearly 6) is not as bad anymore and I no longer loath her days with us.
I wish I could offer you more, you are not being treated fairly. You've tried so many times to connect with SD, know that whatever it is that isn't working in y'all's r/s is NOT your fault! "You didn't cause it, you can't change it, you can't control it!" But your DH can!
Hugs, hugs, HUGS!
I stay at home. Money has
I stay at home. Money has been tight, but I still made SO find alternative care. My mental health meant more to me and I wasn't willing to continue suffering just because it was hard and costly for SO to make other arrangements. In cases like this, the BIO parent NEEDS to make it happen, even if it means asking family members.
Well, she's doing it, isn't
Well, she's doing it, isn't she? I mean, she's not the kid's family, she's just doing the dad a HUUUUGE favour by providing free childcare.
I guess that family has a lot to think about, but if the dad is the sole breadwinner... that doesn't make him the sole decision-maker or the sole adult-who-matters.
Not slamming. But it's his
Not slamming. But it's his kid too. He'd have to be either supporting her and kid at home, or contributing to daycare as well.
I get it. I'm a SAHM right now. DD had a meltdown (over peanut butter, because that's the most important resource in the world) right when DH called. I picked up and let him listen... then reminded him that I used to go to work, earned good money, and never ever had to deal with a peanut butter tragedy. We still agree it's best for our family that I stay home, but sometimes funds are tight. If I hated staying at home though, (or hated it more than I usually do these days), I'd find a way to afford daycare and go have fun at work! It's hard enough to do some of this mommy stuff anyway, no way would I sacrifice myself on the altar of someone ELSE's kid.
I think the OP is clearly having a huge crisis. And continuing to say YES to taking care of SD, her own kid, all the while feeling like this and thinking suicidal thoughts? Doesn't matter what's going on - better they afford daycare a couple of days per week than one day mommy is gone temporarily to the loony bin or permanently to the morgue. Then the bills will really rack up.
The country I live in, kids
The country I live in, kids are required by law to be in school at age 5. Yeah, without more information or feedback, I don't think the OP is benefitting from our discussion!
She's 5 so why isn't she in
She's 5 so why isn't she in school? My DH put SSthen3 (now 4) in preschool because BM complained that I spent more time with her son than his own parents. Here there are half day and full day preschool programs. My SS4 lives with us during the week so those couple of hours I have free lets me get housework done and spend time with my bio. Dont divorce your husband (and don't have more kids with either) eventually she will start going to school everyday so you'll get a break from her. Keep up your boundaries and make sure your husband knows that when you help you're actually doing him the favor so he needs to back you up or take responsibility.
I'm not trying to point
I'm not trying to point fingers, but because you asked.....
Have you considered parenting classes? There may even be some resources for free ones. I understand there is an incredibly slim chance that your specific SD is simply the devil incarnate, and not even Super Nanny could handle her. I think it is far more *likely* however, that you lack some basic parenting skills.
If you've been raising this little beast for 3 years, but she still is a handful and out of control, then whatever you are doing as far as discipline and guidance isn't working. Even if Grandma and Grandpa spoil her... after 3 years and with her being so young, it would not cause these issues. Almost ALL grandparents spoil. I think it's in the handbook.
You do not have to love
You do not have to love her.
If she shreds tissues and lies about it be logical. Kids cannot STAND logic. "I didn't shred them and you and I are the only ones here. So it was you."
"NNNNOOOO! I hate you!"
"It doesn't change anything. You are supposed to hate me. I am your evil stepmother."
"I want my mommy!"
"Your mommy isn't here. And because you will not pick them up, no dessert."
Then.Walk.Away.
Don't take everything so much to heart. She is only 5 and a snotty 5 yr old who will have the crap knocked out of her at her first recess.
I do think you are letting your childhood govern your adult life. The shadows of your past are being reflected on your adult life which isn't fair on anyone least of all you.
Consider parenting classes. It will either reinforce your position or it will give you some tips.
And get some backbone to stand up to this child you are alone with all day. I would have her sorted in 3 days.
No one is worth your mental
No one is worth your mental health to the point of thinking about suicide. Have you talked to DH about how you feel, how SD is dishonest/spoiled and disrespectful with examples? If not, think of specific incidents that demonstrate how SD runs the household and present your view of how it should look differently. Make your DH want to be your partner in securing a peaceful, normal household for ALL of you.