HI! I found this website today & I thought it might be interesting!
I am a stepmother for 6 years. No children of my own. It has been a hard road. There are 2 girls-27 & 23, both married, & a boy-17. We have shared custody of the 17 year old every other week. Trying to be acknowledged has been difficult. I'm not trying to be their Mom, just at least respected & noticed. I have tried but it never seems right. Conversations seem to be between them & their dad. And I am thinking, hello, does anybody see me over here! I feel invisible. I am getting to hate family gatherings. It is a lot of work for lack of acknowledgement. Everyone's birthday is acknowledged, never mine. To me, step parenting seems like a thankless job. I am ready to give up. It is causing problems between me & my husband. I can't say anything bad about them, or I will get into trouble. He says he understands, but really has no idea. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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Thanks for your reply. You
dont worry love! ALOT of us
dont worry love! ALOT of us feel like we are in the same boat...
i try and not let it get to me, i have a life outside of the family unit, i went to europe alone for 3months last year. i think thats the important thing you arent drowning in trying to be in the family 24/7. i go out with my girlfriends and spent lots of time with my family...
i put as much effort as i need to without feeling like i am getting hurt. I have sort of worked out my place and just staying there!! you matter and your important to the family as well, you deserve a spot at the table and respect as well.
does your husband understand what you are going through and trying to help the situation?
He does understand what's
He does understand what's going on, but he gets tired of hearing "negative" about them. So I need to keep my mouth shut & just go about my business. I do go out & do things outside the family, that is healthy. I work 4 days a week & enjoy going to work. That is a life saver! I definitely stay busy. Thanks for your words!!
maybe you are presenting the
maybe you are presenting the situation in a way he just isn't understanding? he sees it as you just off loading and being negative..
if you could spin is around and try and get him to understand its a family issue not just you being upset, he needs to understand that he is there parent and should be stepping in and trying to deal with the situation as well. Maybe come up with a few suggestions that would make you feel better or some rules you would like to be put into place, that might help him to see you are trying to be positve and coming up with suggestions...
good luck...
My husband does understand
My husband does understand the situation, but does not know how to fix it. It is hard to be positive when you are not included in their life to be positive!He tells the stepson to tell me goodnight, but if he did not, he would not. So he does try.It is just a hard situation. But thanks for your comments!!
Luckily, my husband does get
Luckily, my husband does get to keep in touch with his kids. They usually speak to him calling his cell phone. So I really don't know when they call. Seems like most of the time with the older daughter, he has called her. The middle daughter reciprocates her Dads calls. The 17 year old, is with us every other week so they talk. As long as they talk with their Dad, that is most important. It would break his heart otherwise. Hopefully, I will be in the picture one day.
Yesterday, amazingly, the 17 yr old came in & sat down & talked to me about his junior year in high school. It has happened 2 days in a row. Maybe the ice is being chipped away? I do believe there is more hope with my SS than the girls. Maybe one day,they too will come around. Sometimes wonders will never cease! Yippee!
I never say anything bad
I never say anything bad about the Skid. I just stick to the facts. If my wife decides the behaviors that generated the facts are bad .... so be it.
Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts.
As for the thankless job of Sparenting .... yep. It certainly is thankless.
I may even be that Sparenting adult Skids is even harder than Sparenting children.
I am about to find out. I became dad when my SS was 1yo and he just turned 18. Over the next couple of decades I will be able to experience Sparenting an adult.
Hang in there.
Oh yea, welcome .... I hope you find the community to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some perspective from others navigating the challenges of blended family life.
Best regards,
Yep, StepAside, I agree, it
Yep, StepAside, I agree, it often gets worse when they are on their own. I'm living that case. SD was never really close to me, but at least she was respectful - that is, until she met her boyfriend (now hubby) and started spending half her time with him. As soon as she was living with the boyfriend and no longer had to worry about putting on a facade for daddy, she dropped the pretence and openly admitted to hating me (after getting $$ for her wedding first, of course).
As for the OP, I would suggest that she stop trying so hard with the SDs. Treat them as they treat you - i.e. if they remember your BD, you remember theirs. If they don't - let your husband buys the cards and gifts for them. Our husbands hate to be put in the middle.
I suggest you buy and read the book "StepWars". It is written for parenting adult step children and offers perspective from both sides. It really helped me.
Good luck, and keep us posted
I think that is a good idea -
I think that is a good idea - to 'mirror' how they treat you.
If they acknowledge you exist, have a birthday too, etc. you reward that - if not you ignore it, as far as they know.
HUGS honey, we know how it is-!
Oh honey - I am sorry you had
Oh honey - I am sorry you had to re-commit! I find myself thinking things are better too, then am body slammed by SD19 AGAIN, so I think I need to remember that more too. She really seems to hate me, although DH insists she loves me? delusional
On another note, I love your PJ idea!! My mom loved to cross stitch and made ceramics, etc. and now that she is sick with dementia, we have beautiful keepsakes from her of happier times. I want to start something like this too-!!! Great idea!