I didn't mean to depress you of course, but I do understand what you mean. You asked what someone could have said/done to help me at that age. I have to contemplate that carefully because I LIVED in my situation 24/7 with parents that felt if they talked at all or if anyone new, our whole family would be stigmatized. There was a lot of shame involved and I don't think that your kids are feeling THAT aspect of things.

Honestly, from what you've said through the last couple of messages, I think that you and your dh are doing a fabulous job... you've done research and educated yourselves which is fantastic and helpful not only to you but also to your sk's. For me, I think that if I could have just had someone to talk to that I felt I could trust it would have made a world of difference. If it could have been someone that had been in a similar situation it would have been even better (that is even true when we are adults... to know you aren't floating in a boat alone does a WORLD of good), but that's not always possible. I wonder if there is a NAMI group in your area or nearby enough that your family could attend occasional meetings together. I've never been to a NAMI meeting myself, but I hear that they are VERY helpful for family members. You can search online to see if they have meetings in your area.

With bm telling the kids not to tell you anything that happens... the next time you talk to the kids about the situation, this is what I would say to them, "We want to make sure that you understand that we are here if you want to talk about your feelings concerning your mother's illness. We know it is difficult for you guys to understand and so we want to help you in whatever way we can. We won't ask you to tell us anything that has happened while you've been with your mom unless you WANT to tell us. We already understand that the mental illness makes her say/do things that she shouldn't or that she wouldn't say if she did not have this illness. But we know that you kids need to be able to talk about things you are concerned about, things you worry about, things that you are feeling because of the illness. Or maybe you have questions that you need answers to and we want to be able to help you find the answers if that is at all possible. We want you to feel as though you can trust us because we love you guys and want to help you and be here for you to help you get through this. And we understand that it may take time for you to feel as though you can trust us enough to talk to us about those feelings. We want to support your relationship with your mom, but we have to make sure that she is taking care of herself by getting help and medication for her illness so that we know she is taking care of you."

I just think it's really important right now to establish trust with the kids concerning this issue. And they may not choose to say anything right then and there. Sometimes just KNOWING someone cares about the inner struggle itself helps. I wouldn't just mention anything out of the blue. If the kids seem to be doing well, try to avoid conversations about BM or the illness all together. It helps them keep that sense of normalcy with you and keeps them from having to think about it constantly. I would approach the discussion the next time one of the kids mentions BM or the custody arrangement, etc.

In the meantime, talk to dh in private about having this discussion with them the next time it gets brought up. Have a bit of a game plan set up so to speak so that way you are prepared when the topic does resurface. Keep doing as much research as possible so that you can be prepared to answer any questions they may bring to you, and if they do ask something that you don't know the answer to, let them sit at the computer with you while you look up the answer. Help them learn to find the answers they seek concerning the illness. Back when I was dealing with my mom, PC's were just coming out and the internet was unheard of. Sure would have made my life a little easier. LOL

I know very well having knowledge in my head, but my heart telling me something different. And that is something they will have to learn how to handle. 1 thing that I learned just a few years ago, and you can feel free to share this with your sk's because the sooner they can learn this the better off they will be...
when bm does/says something hurtful or when they start thinking about a time that she did/said something hurtful, tell them to keep repeating in their head, "That was NOT my mom... it was the ILLNESS." They need to learn to separate the loving things a mother says/does, with the bad things the illness makes her say/do. They need to try to disconnect the illness from the PERSON that their mom is when she is well. "If mom was well, she would NOT have said/done that". Eventually, the more they learn this concept, the more ingrained it becomes until finally the things that mom says/does doesn't become quite so personal anymore. This may help them have an easier time dealing with the negativity that their mom has put off on them. At the same time, they also have to understand that when mom is not well it is not RIGHT for her to treat them that way, but she won't understand that until she IS well and she will only be well with medication and treatment and that is something that mom is responsible for. While they need to understand to disconnect the negative words/actions so they don't take it personally, they still need to understand that mom is responsible for herself and her actions which means seeking treatment is the right thing for her to do and until she does that she will not be able to function as an active mother normally would.

It's so very complicated, I know. This is why I said that you and dh should set out a game plan. Be prepared in advance so that you don't lessen the responsibility that bm has to the point that the sk's continue faulting you for not letting them see her, but disconnect enough that the kids can learn to cope with the negativity that they've been through and will face later in their lives if bm continues to fight treatment (which is VERY common).

As far as dealing with BM directly, I personally think they are too young at this point. When I was 18, my mom had a breakdown. My dad, I honestly think he just didn't have it in him to deal with it. he told me to stay home from school and take my mom to the mental hospital and have her sign herself in. He took me off to the side and said, "If she fights you, pick up the phone and tell her that you will call for them to come and get her. She WILL go." He left for work. I was horrified. I talked to mom and she refused to go. Dad's words just kept ringing in my head. So I picked up the phone and I said, "Mom, I don't want to call them to come and get you, PLEASE go with me." She refused. So I started dialing a number for time and temperature and she immediately said that she would go. When we got there, they took her back to see the doctor and she told me to stay in the lobby. I got mad and said, "I'm old enough to miss school to bring you here, but I'm not old enough to know what's going on?" She let me come back with her. The psych talked to her for the longest time and eventually made her sign a contract that she would not kill herself. I never knew before this time that my mom was suicidal... my parents did a GREAT job of keeping me sheltered from the really bad stuff. I look back on that moment now and sometimes I get mad at my dad for putting me in that position with my own mother... making me responsible for her like that. Then other times I feel horrible that he felt so desperate that he had to turn to me at only 18 to help him because there was no one else. Teach your sk's to rely and depend on each other and talk to each other when they feel they need to and be there for each other. They each know what they've been through more than anyone. They understand each other better than anyone else can. I didn't have siblings. It was me and dad. Now he's gone and I am left to deal with it alone and it is really tough sometimes.

Well, I have just about wrote a book right here. LOL I'm almost to the point that I feel as though I'm rambling, but I hope that in that rambling, you are getting something out of it that will help. I want nothing more than to help you and your dh help these poor kids through this. My heart truly goes out to them (and you and dh) and I want you to know that I really think you and your dh are wonderful people... particularly you as sm. You have a more difficult job than typical stepparents have so you HAVE to have a kind, compassionate, and caring heart to be involving yourself in this entire situation the way you are. Most of us have horrible BM's that we can just joke around and say are nuts... in your case, with what you have told me about some of the things that BM has done (leaving the kids at a truck stop, etc) she really does have a mental illness and that is completely different from just the "psycho BM" most of the people here are talking about. And that will effect these kids forever. They need someone that can model normalcy for them and that they can look back at later and see how a mother is truly supposed to be. I have memories of my mother from my childhood that taught me very well how to be a good mother... she was truly the best. I miss that woman so very much... I feel as though she died years and years ago and I grieve for her as much as I grieve for my dad that has literally passed. I don't know if your sk's remember any GOOD moments that BM wasn't ill... so you may very well be the only real role model they have for what a mother should be. And from what I can tell so far, you are doing a fantastic job.

No, you definitely don't do it for the BM. Being a SM with a shitty bm to deal with on the other side, I completely know what you are talking about in that respect. I was always the bitch, the one that was trying to take her place, blah, blah, blah. All I kept thinking was if you were doing your freakin' job I wouldn't have to be here doing it for you stupid a$$! So I totally know all of that frustration. But like you, I did what I could for the sk's, to try and make their life as normal as possible. Didn't really do much good in my situation because dh had the guilt complex and backed up the kids more than he backed me and now he is seeing what good THAT did. But it sounds so far as though you and your dh are working together pretty well through this, so I pray better results for you.

Sorry my novel was hard to read. I had so many different things coming to mind that could maybe help your sk's. Lack of organization within my thoughts is why I haven't written a book. LOL When I get to thinking about this stuff (which I really do try to avoid unless it can HELP someone) I tend to go back to that teenager that was so confused and didn't really understand. But maybe if you can read bits at a time or something later you can catch some of what I'm saying or pick things out of it that may help you and dh help sk's.

Please do not think that I am "supporting" BM. She is fully capable and responsible for her own health and well-being physically and emotionally and if she's not willing to do it, then it is ALL on her. Admitting it to a judge and admitting it to yourself are 2 different things... I do not know a mentally ill person that admits their problem until they hit rock bottom somewhere within themselves. My mom would go through 2 weeks at the hospital, stay on the meds for about 6 months and then get right back off of them. 6 months later she'd be back in the hospital. It wasn't until the time I took her at 18 that she finally said to me as we left, "I guess I need to just accept that I am going to be on these meds for the rest of my life." I don't know what made her realize it, but I'm thankful she did. POINT: SHE had to do it. No one else could do it for her. And same is true with BM. This is why I think counseling would be helpful for the kids to understand this so that they can put the responsibility on their mom where it needs to be. But I do understand the lack of counseling services in your area. Many times when dealing with mental illness, the ill person is the only one that the medical field is concerned about and it's unfortunate because the family suffers just as much, if not more in many ways. A counselor would just take you and your dh out of the equation if you know what I mean. It wouldn't look to the sk's like it's the 2 of you that are making their mom look bad by saying she has to take responsibility. My hope is that you and dh can help them to understand this as they get older.

I haven't come up with any magic spell as of yet, but as soon as I do, you will be the first to know. Just getting the kids to realize that they are not responsible for their mother, that her hurtful words and actions are caused by the illness and not their mother's feelings for them, and being there to support them when they need it is about the closest thing I can offer you and all of that will take time for them to learn and understand, but hopefully they will be able to approach their adult lives with the ability to cope.