Is it the end?
I need some input. Today an incident occurred at my home that I have a bias in regard to. Our skids came just about 3 or 4 weeks ago. I know theres an adjustment period. But today, the SS12 slapped BD7 across the face - leaving a mark. He has been aggressive to her since they came but not like this. He and his brother (who copies him) has told her many times that he hates her and has swiped at her (little smacks) often. I am biased because I was married to an abuser who started it when I was just his "girlfriend" at age 14 and then his wife (total of 20 yrs of abuse). I don't want BD to grow up learning its ok to be hit by a boy if he is your brother, or your boyfriend, or your husband. At the same time, I can't think of divorcing the boys' father. I love him beyond words. He has never hurt/hit me, and never hit the boys mom as far as I know (or can imagine). I know that siblings never get along great. Am I taking this too hard? I currently have all the kids separated in their rooms but the DH isn't due home for another 6 or 7 hours...so I gotta come up with something.
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Hang in there. You took the
Hang in there. You took the first step...time out for the kids. DH needs to have a talk with SS. SS needs to tell your daughter he is sorry and it will NEVER happen again. It should also be clear that people do not slap or hit anyone. Good Luck.
Your DH hasn't taught his
Your DH hasn't taught his boys to not hit girls...or people smaller than them??
He's 12. Not 4. I'd call
He's 12. Not 4. I'd call the cops on his ass and press charges for assault.
It is NEVER ok for a boy or
It is NEVER ok for a boy or man to hit or slap a girl or women. Even if BD7 was aggravating SS12 it is still not ok. It is also not ok for BD7 to do things on purpose because she knows he will get in trouble. I'm not saying she did, but I do see kids do that when they don't like each other.
The real problem lies with SS12, I think he is jealous and resentful of BD7. DH needs to sit SS12 down and explain to him that he will not put up with that kind of behavior at ya'lls house and that boy don't hit girls EVER. Maybe ground him from TV for a few days or if he has some kids of electronic he likes take that away for a few days. Make SS12 apologizes to BD7.
Another way to handle this is to make both of them sit in chairs facing each other and make them take turns telling each other why they were mad at the other, that their sorry, and how they will handle it better the next time they feel angry or mad. Then they need to hug.
Keep him in his room until
Keep him in his room until your DH comes home. He may have to spend a LOT of time in his room. Any display of aggression has to be met with immediate and severe consequences. He cannot be allowed to strike a small child, boy or girl, hard enough to leave a mark, without all the fury of hell raining down on his head.
In fairness, I don't think you know what he went through before he came to your home a few weeks ago. The situation couldn't have been good or the skids would still be with their mother or whoever had custody of them. He may have been routinely beaten. He may think that violence is how disputes are solved. It may take some time to re-educate him on how civilized people interact. No doubt he is very angry about a lot of things. That anger needs to be examined and redirected.
Here again, you need help. Ask for it. This situation can be changed, but you can't do it all by yourself.
In the heat of the moment, I
In the heat of the moment, I did a very bad thing. I messeged his dads email. After sending it I re-read it. It sounds like I am telling him that I want a divorce. omg..that was not really what I meant. and I cant take it back
I am so emotional lately. I am thinking some of those vodka-soaked gummi bears I saw mentioned on the board might help - or even the kitten stompers (that was an awesome thread lol). This little town has crap for cops, and I doubt they'd come if I tell them whats happened. Once, I called to report that a guy pulled up to our drive and asked my daughter to help him find his puppy - cops said "and what do want us to do? Asking for help to find a puppy is not illegal." Sherriff my ass...unbelievable. So I am going to take a nice cigarette break and make them lunch. Then we are gonna have a talk like none other. When dad gets home decisions have to be dealt with. ugh...I hate being a step. 
But now a quick thought came
But now a quick thought came to me whilst relaxing with my cancer stick. Maybe I should ask DH to find a sitter for the SSs. We are so badly pressed for money but that would be so nice. It would feel better if I didn't have to watch them like a hawk and deal with their every need...whatcha think?
I woulda smacked him back.
I woulda smacked him back. But that's just me.
Ok...now don't go slapping
Ok...now don't go slapping the boy or calling the cops. That's crazy.
Leave him in his room until DH gets home and then you tell DH that you will NOT tolerate anyone hitting/slapping your child much less a 12 yr old boy! And tell DH that both boys need to start being nicer to her. Set out clear rules and punishments.
This is not the end of the world issue, but it needs to be nipped in the butt NOW before it gets worse. My kids fought like cats and dogs at that age. But I know I would also have a terrible issue if it was SS that hit my kid.
I agree. Most of my
I agree. Most of my experiences are that the older kid will usually just ignore/walk away etc. so I was even more upset especially since he has been swatting at her and aggressive toward her since they came here. They aren't as bad as some of the skids I have read about here, but its not been good either. Kids have spats, But this was just mean. He admits that he knows better too. I gave them lunch, and he asked what the punishment for the rest of the day would be. I told him that I don't know what the punishment should be for making me want to leave my marriage. Then I said he will deal with his dad, and not me. Told them not to talk to me or BD, or to ask for anything etc.
Why would you say "I told him
Why would you say "I told him that I don't know what the punishment should be for making me want to leave my marriage.". I understand you are upset/pissed off etc. But laying that type of guilt on a 12 year old will not fix the situation.
Your DH needs to teach his kids what is right, and hitting is not right no matter what. My SS has driven me nuts, and the one time he made my niece cry for things he said to her, My DH laid into him for it. Never again did he do it.
Your SS can spend the day in his room, no phone, no tv, no games! Until DH gets home.
I told him that I don't know
I told him that I don't know what the punishment should be for making me want to leave my marriage.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
UGH...please tell me you really did not do this?
Yep I did say that. Because I
Yep I did say that. Because I think he should know that there are more consequences than just being sent to his room. He needs to see the big picture. Its not about guilt, its about thinking before hitting and about what might happen. The skids already know things are bumpy, and keeping them from seeing their part in it seems counter-productive. I don't believe holding things back will help. My only regret is now he knows that he is on to something - maybe he will consider doing it again. If he has a chance to...(very doubtful). But I know we all have different opinions, and that's what its all about here.
This is not a consequence for
This is not a consequence for him though. It is a consequence for you and your DH. I am sorry but I believe that adult issues are dealt with ONLY by the adults and children should NEVER be made to feel that they are the reason a relationship is having issues. They do not get brought into the middle of it even if they are part of the reason or even all of the reason that you and your DH are having issues.
I know for a fact if I said anything like this to my SS and bumpy relationship probably would have taken a step fall off a cliff.
Honestly if my DH ever said
Honestly if my DH ever said something like that to my kid...he would not have to wonder about his marriage because I would be OUT.
...and now one of the boys
...and now one of the boys has pissed all over my bathroom floor and wiped poop on the tub. again... Last time the older one admitted to DH it was him. claimed he was half asleep/too tired to realize. this time it happened at around 2:30p.m. no excuses. I know its because they are mad for having to stay in their room. And because I refused to give a second afternoon snack. I think maybe I should just go stay at my mothers tonite. Though I cant really explain to her the reason why because of her health.
My rule was/is :Everyone
My rule was/is :Everyone keeps their hands to themselves. There is no reason for ANYONE to annoy others or touch them. This applied to my boy AND my girls.
I lived with a sister who is 18 mths younger than me and would do ANYTHING to be the better daughter. ANYTHING. Lying, tale telling. Embellishing stories to make me look like a bad sister.. I know how girls can be.
BUT ... I did not hit her EVER. And the same rule applied to my kids. Keep your hands to yourselves. Anyone hitting would be in their room for 3 hrs.
DH needs to deal with his sons violent tendencies. Your DH should know your history enough to understand where your snap decision came from. So apologise to him and ask him to educate his sons about what is and isn't acceptable in your home. I call it the ghosts luggage. The baggage we bring into a relationship. This is a must and cannot be put into the 'boys will be boys' basket. They cannot hit anyone younger than them. And in future you will not be responsible for the outcome. And that outcome may be calling him home from work to deal with his sons. Or it may be you going to stay with your mother for a 'girls night'.
Leave the poo and pee for their father to deal with. If they say anything to you make some tasty laxative brownies esp for them tomorrow.
I suspect the boys were seeing how far they can push you. And NOTHING scares a child more than sheer silence.
So after DH came home things
So after DH came home things did settle. He had quite a talk with both boys, but this is the umpteenth time for that. He dealt with the bathroom mess as well. For which neither boy would take any responsibility. I apologized for talking about the marriage to them in my emotional state and DH and I had yet another talk (which really went nowhere). The only thing both agreed upon was that 2 people who love eachother as deeply as we do should be able to remain together despite the children's behavior. He told me (in private) that he is disgusted by their behavior and doesn't know where it came from. As posters have pointed out, we don't know what happened to them during the 2 1/2 yrs they stayed with BM. We setup an appointment with a free counselor to take place Thursday afternoon for the entire family. Boundaries regarding hitting were laid down in a very stern way - including DH telling them that I have his permission to spank or any other punishment I see fit. Even after all of it, I still feel that the road ahead will be filled with yet more pot-holes and nasty bumps. The boys will undoubtedly continue to push, and I will be faced with this kind of day again and again. I feel like the only real answer is to make some kind of separation between the marriage and the boys. I have seen others talk about disengaging. I don't know or understand what it is/how it works but maybe this would work for us. What conditions do others do this under? Does it help support the marriage or does it make it more difficult to maintain the relationship?