BM cancer's back/very disengaged from SD14
So I have been a member for a year but the one time I posted a blog I pretty much got my a$$ handed to me by the women here - since then I have watched and learned. Learned so much and it really helped me understand things better.
In the last year SS15 had stopped coming to visit and until recently cut himself off from DH and DH family. But now interacts slightly with DH family but not DH. SD14 still comes every other weekend but doesn't really converse unless asked a question. Once in a while she may chat for a minute or so, but its rare. After trying for 18 months to form some kind of relationship with this girl I threw in the towel. I am totally disengaged and often leave my home all together on the weekends she comes. I told DH "I cannot be in my house and have your kid come here all weekend and not speak to me, barely speak to you & watch you act like a circus monkey trying to engage her". I just cant.
Neither kid is anywhere near the horror I have seen on here, they don't sass or anything, they are just awkward and quiet when they are and were here. I also left any cleaning to DH when it came to skids and that really helped me stop freaking out. The toilet upstairs looks like its from a horror movie but I don't use it and it's not my problem. It sucks though because it hasn't stopped me from wanting to be something to SD14 but she really doesn't seem interested and I guess I just have to accept that no matter what I bake, buy, plan, do or say she just doesn't engage .
I learned from my MIL that DH was undermined at every moment by BM when they were married and it carried over into after the divorce which is why the kids pretty much were raised to do whatever they want and have no proper socialization with adults. I think they are treated as little4 adults rather than children in their mothers home. whatever, I realize we cant control her house and the damage is already done and my DH says he would rather a half ass relationship with the one skid left (SD14) than none at all but he does still try to call SS15 even though the kid doesn't reply.
so DH and I have had a rocky road since getting married less that 2 years ago and in no way shape or form am I 100% confident we are going to make it. we just keep trying at this point.
So back to my topic....recently DH and I addressed again the issues with his daughter and SD14 relationship with both of us and I said how can I have a relationship with her if you & SD14's is so tenuous? I have some lingering resentment towards my husband for pretty much leaving me flapping in the wind with his kids and on my own trying to connect with them. They don't care about him, what he thinks or have any admiration for him (I know, his lousy parenting) but really he has been scared that they wouldn't see him or BM wouldn't make them come visit so that why he's always been a softie.
So he decided he is going to have a talk with SD14 this weekend and start trying to make things better....and now we think her BM's cancer is back. BM had breast cancer and mastectomy maybe 3 years ago and SD14 mentioned recently to MIL, BM was tired from chemo the other day so that's all the info we have.
I think it is weird that BM doesn't give DH a heads up she is sick again. I think DH should know something as major as this so he can be supportive of SD14. I also think that approaching SD14 about the awkwardness in our home every other weekend right now would be a bad decision.
any advice how to handle BM cancer again? should DH talk to SD14 about it? She obviously hasn't told him, even today when she said BM can't drop her off she didn't say why so I bet this kid knows DH and BM don't get along and doesn't even want to tell DH. Do I stay disengaged? I feel like we wont have peace in our house until we clear the air and lay everything out on the table among ALL OF US but we aren't even close to being there and now with this cancer thing I dont know what to do if anything. we say hi/bye each wkend, that's all these days.
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Maybe just ask SD. Let her
Maybe just ask SD. Let her know your MIL brought it up and you wanted to make sure SD was doing ok. Maybe tell her you are there for her.
Agree: ask SD. Or, ask DH to
Agree: ask SD.
Or, ask DH to ask BM, herself. (Probably best idea --- adult to adult.)
Kids are ego-centric, so focus on what you/DH can do to help them. Toss out suggestions for them. (I love your poor socialization comment.) If BM is sick again I'll bet those kids are scared spitless. They need to know that DH is there for them, no matter what happens. Are wills and directives in place? Clarity fixes a lot of awkwardness.
Perhaps this will be a time where you can reconnect as a family, talk about real stuff and ease that weird tension in the house.
Can you guys do family
Can you guys do family counseling? You sound like you want to connect and a counselor well versed in blended family dynamics can help give you tools for your situation. Maybe start out with just you and DH to get pointers.
Thanks Evil3, you are more on
Thanks Evil3, you are more on target than I allowed myself to express b/c last time I vented the STer's slammed me & DH. I have said in the past I wish his kids would fell me to fuck off - it would be better than be treated like I dont exist.
His kids are fucktards, plain and simple - however the SD14 does seem to be less malicious. At this point it is so tense and anxiety inducing when she's around on the weekend I don't even want to be in my own home let alone put myself out there and lend a supportive hand to her. Plus on top of being 14, on top of some sort of PASing im sure, on top of being chubby and self conscious about herself (like cant even open the door to a mall and walk in ahead of us) she seems to be on the quiet self conscious side of personalities and I personally find that hard to deal with. I'm out there and energetic and friendly and funny.
and indigo, I agree with you that talk should always be between the adults but I have long ago given up that fight. DH always goes thru SD unless he absolutely has to speak to BM. he loathes her. DH will talk to her about her mom.
Several friends have said I need to speak with the counselor at the very least and they are probably right. I already have told DH things need to change or we are done.
Hey, I kow-tow to Evil3 ...
Hey, I kow-tow to Evil3 ...
I also think the kids are
I also think the kids are probably scared. I'm sure they are wondering what would happen if their Mom dies. I'm for having some conversations to clear the air - DH to the kids and DH to BM.
Not to scare you or anything, but another poster had a situation where BM did die and both teenage girls came to live with her and DH. It did not go well. Look for BarkattheMoon in the forums under teenage stepchildren. If you look at her bookmarks you will see her entries. You might be able to find some advice you can use if worst case scenario happens.
I'm not trying to stir
I'm not trying to stir anything up but why is it okay for SMs to disengage but not the skids?
You've said they don't sass or anything, SS has stopped coming for visits and SD is just isn't interested and doesn't engage.
Isn't that the same thing lots of people here tell SMs to do when they don't want to deal with the skids?
Stir away, but you're
Stir away, but you're correct. Kids DO disengage all the frickin' time. Most learn in elementary school what works and what doesn't.
My SD24 is, and always has
My SD24 is, and always has been, on the quiet side. She does not have much personality and really has nothing interesting to say. I also think she is very intimidated by people in general.
My personality is out there. I am loud and outspoken so I have no doubt that she is intimidated by me.
She did not ignore me to the point of not speaking when spoken to but she rarely started conversations with me. I have never thought twice about it nor taken it personally, it's just the way she was and still is. Even now that she's an adult, she has nothing to say.
The cancer thing, that is tough. Your SD does need some support but if she has no respect for your DH or no connection with him, she may not want that support from him. But she does need support and counseling, take my word for that.
Both of these kids are going through something that no teenager should have to go through and teenagers don't know how to handle it. Unfortunately, a lot of times, the adults don't know how to handle it, either. If your DH really wants to be there for his kids, he needs to do it. Whatever it takes to get through to them and that does not mean being a "softie".
I hate to be so brutally
I hate to be so brutally blunt here, but if BM is on major chemo again 3 years after her mastectomy the cancer has returned and has most likely spread. As my doctor told me - metastatic breast cancer is always fatal. The patient might live 10 weeks or 10 years. But there is no cure when other organs are involved.
There is a strong possibility that BM may not be around until these skids are grown and out on their own. I have no advice.
Notasm is right. If it has
Notasm is right. If it has metastatic, the percentage of survival are very low. Length depends on the type of breast cancer.
I would encourage your DH to talk to BM about what's going on to get a clearer picture.
I agree that DH should talk
I agree that DH should talk to BM. She really should be concerned about what will happen to her children when she is gone. But often people cannot accept their impending demise.
My mother had a year of intensive chemo after her BC and was fine for almost a decade. When it returned (with a vengeance to her liver and lungs) she truly thought that chemo would take her back to "normal" again. She refused to accept that she was terminally ill. She truly believed that she was going to get well again even as she spiraled downwards to her eventual death.
I saw a friend last night who is dealing with advanced cancer that has spread throughout her internal organs. There is no question that she is terminal. But both she and her DH are refusing to accept that.
The kids have been told BM is
The kids have been told BM is superior and their father is worthless, spineless and useless and their mother has all the answers. He is living up to their expectations.
And now SuperMom is sick again and they are shit-scared or completely clueless as to what will happen. They probably know deep down that if BM dies they will be living with DH and they have never had a relationship with him or felt the need to have one. So life is pretty shitty for them right now.
What works for them is behave like they always have. Then their world is normal. BM has sworn them to secrecy not to tell ANYONE what is going on. However they are kids and will slip up. DH HAS to step up his game and talk to the kids separately. HE needs to tell them that the way they treat you is unfair because you have never done anything wrong except love their father. They both need to be polite and learn to get along with you because in life there will be people they are not too fond of but they will be co-workers or even their boss. They never have to love you. But they need to be civil and polite.
Hey it is worth a try.
My vote is that they are
My vote is that they are completely clueless. The last thing you think as a teenager, is that your parent will die. Even if the facts say otherwise, the brain and the heart will not believe. Elizabeth Kubler Ross explains it in her book, "On Death and Dying".
The parents of these kids need to talk about what is going on and what will happen with these kids. They are going to need support.