New SM...pulling my hair out...
I've been in a relationship with a man that has four children to my none. Ages 19m, 6, 8, and 10. They have two different mothers, both are drug addicts, and both are in jail. Their father (my S.O.) is in recovery, clean for 9 years. The 19 month old girl is special needs, but I love her to death, it's his three eldest that drive me up the wall. I've been around some poorly behaved children before, but these kids are awful. They throw tantrums about everything, and I mean every little thing. They won't do timeouts, they swear, they hit/kick, they break the furniture. I can't bring my furniture over because they are so terrible with it. Their father does try and help out when they're misbehaving, but he gives in to them if they whine enough because he's "sick of hearing it". I've read that this just enables them to throw their tantrums, but when I bring it up to him he shrugs it off or tries to say I don't spend enough time showing them affection.
I've tried getting them on a points system to help motivate them to clean, and it works sometimes but not before they cry and beat their fists against the floor. They pretty much run the house, leaving their crap downstairs and refusing to clean up after themselves, making it impossible for me to keep up with it. Then my S.O. gets pissed off, accusing me of not helping enough around the house. They sneak food to their rooms, I often find days old banana peels and apple cores. The boys don't flush at night so the upstairs toilet clogs and makes the whole floor stink. The 8 year old boy likes to leave the toilet paper he wipes his butt with on the floor. The 10 year old girl refuses to bathe. The 6 year old boy still pees himself, both at night and during the day, but his father refuses to keep him in pullups unless he's sleeping, so he constantly smells like urine. He's also failing Kindergarten (who knew that was possible?) and his teacher wants to hold him back. I'm concerned he might have a learning disorder but my S.O. is against him going to see someone. I understand he doesn't want his children medicated, but I feel like out of the three he's the one who has the most confusion about his mother, since he hardly remembers her.
I feel like this is just way too much work for me, I can't keep living like this. They constantly tell me they hate me, that their mom is coming back to kick me out, that I'm trying to kill them by making them eat healthy food. I know their just kids but I can't hear that crap every day. I've told my SO as much but our talks usually go nowhere.
My S.O. confessed to me that the reason why he lets stuff go, is because he starts to feel abusive if he lets their behavior get to him. He lost his full time job so the kids don't have health insurance.
Now, before you judge, my S.O. is a single dad with two dead beat exes that refuse to pay child support or visit their children. He's been struggling, and I'm trying to help him get his stuff together. He's applied for state insurance for the kids, but we've yet to hear back on whether or not he qualifies for it. He's a really good guy that treats me better than anyone else ever has, and I've never seen him lift a finger at anyone.
There's probably more I want to vent about, but that's good enough for my first post. I'm literally dying for advice. I want to learn to love these children, and I hate myself for not being able to right now.
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Comments
He's a single dad that is
He's a single dad that is living in denial about his children's problems and refusing to get them or himself help. This man needs some serious parenting classes.
I get that he's a single dad with deadbeat exes but at the same time... how did he not know what these women were like? He apparently thought enough of at least one of them to procreate with her multiple times. If it were one kid, I'd give him a pass, but its Four. It's four kids that it sounds like You are parenting, not him. Not okay.
He expects you to keep the house clean but gives into his children's tantrums. Doesn't sound like he's parenting them at all, but it you have an issue with what he's not doing, it's your fault because you haven't shown enough affection to the terror babies? I don't want to sound mean, but honey if this is the best anyone has ever treated you, you need to raise your standards.
This father is not helping you, if in fact blaming you and you're making excuses. He is hindering your attempts to help these kids and you feel guilty because you can't love the destructive, nasty, hateful, dirty, defiant beings? You are being way too easy on him and way too hard on yourself. Of course you don't love them. They aren't yours, they aren't nice, and they aren't even remotely hygienic. Loving these kids is only going to be a remote possibility when Dad steps up, becomes an actual Parent and turns his brood into a clean, respectful bunch of children. That is not Your job. It is His.
You need to take a look at the choices this man made to get himself into this position. He Chose to have sex with deadbeats and make these children. He has Chosen to not parent them and allow them to turn into brats. Whether the moms are around or not or paying anything or not has Nothing to do with those two facts. Him ignoring the needs of his kids - the one failing school, the one still wetting himself, the lack or showering, the lack of basic hygiene, not making them eat healthy food... that's him being abusive. Teaching his children to be clean, respectful, healthy eaters, that's what he needs to be doing.
The man needs counseling to get over his guilt, parenting classes to get over his lousy handling of the situation. And my advise to you is to remove yourself from the situation and the abuse you're taking from all of them until dad gets his act together. This will Not get better until dad steps up and you are making it way to easy for him to just be not involved and making yourself the scapegoat in the meantime.
Dup.
Dup.
Run away from that crazy
Run away from that crazy house as fast as you can.
This man has made the same mistake FOUR times. If you thjink those kids are driving you nuts, wait until the two crazy BMs toss their hats into the ring.
It is very possible that the
It is very possible that the kids (all or at least some) were exposed to drugs in utero. If that is the case, they may have permanent issues with impulse control, self-regulation, learning, etc. Do some google searches for meth babies, crack babies, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc. You mentioned that the youngest is special needs, but I imagine al of them are to some degree.
Not to mention the trauma they experienced when their mother (mothers) left. The older ones especially-- they've lost two women already. Trauma and loss experienced at such early ages is bound to cause some emotional and behavioral problems to deal with.
And, your BF is understandably overwhelmed and not the best parent. That's a lot for someone to deal with. But regardless the kids need consistency, limits, routine and treatment!!! They need therapy and perhaps more.
This situation is not going to get better in any substantial way-- sure you may see some improvements but it will be an uphill battle and fight. I know you posted because you want to find ways to make this work. But, there is no magic answer. Are you sure this is the life you want? You're going to (and already are) sacrifice so much of your life, energy and happiness to take care of these kids... It will come at a huge cost to your wellbeing...
I would leave. You love your BF and you love and pity his kids, but you need to love yourself more than anyone or anything. You don't deserve this life. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.
^^^^What snowdrop says^^^^ I
^^^^What snowdrop says^^^^
I don't know how old you are or how long you've been with this guy, but honey, no man is worth putting up with all this baggage. If it was a few problems, then yeah, maybe you could work it out. But from your description of home life, he's using you for a maid, babysitter & scapegoat. If he won't parent his own kids now, the older they get the worse they'll get. You deserve better.