Adult SD issues causing arguments with DH
I am mentally and physically exhausted from the arguments with DH regarding the never ending crap from SD37. 2 of the 3 Gkids have become increasingly ignorant to both DH & I. Other Gkid20 enlisted in the Army. SD37 did not attend her Army graduation. Gkid20 said Army was only choice because she couldn't live with SD37. SD37 told Gkid20 she would not attend her graduation because Gkid20 was stupid for doing this and proceeded to tell her who could attend graduation, which she had no control over. She then proceded to facetime the day of graduation and put on a show of pride for Gkid20 which was as phony as a $6 bill. DH, our GNiece20 & I went to graduation as well as SD37's new husband and Gkid13. New husband acted like a pompous a** because he was also in the service. It was tough but we were getting through it for Gkid20's sake. Until New Husband and Gkid13 ghosted all 3 of us for dinner the last night. A dinner New Husband had asked to do together. DH located them at Panera's just down from our hotel and we proceeded to go to dinner as planned without them. New Husband sent DH a text whining about how much he missed being a family and blamed me for the fact "the wives" can't get along. Long story short, I did reply, which I shouldn't have but in my defense, 3 years is a long time to never say your point of view while you hear all kinds of lies being spread about you. I explained that WE had no idea why SD37 wasn't talking to US and that if it is some matter she has with ME, I would be happy to have a calm, peaceful discussion with her to resolve the issue. Keep in mind I have heard from Gkids and GNieces lots of things SD37 has said about me. I got back a 14 paragraph text from New Husband blaming me and SD37's deceased mother for all SD37's issues. I voiced to DH only what a bunch of lies the text contained and how aweful it is that SD37 blames her mother (dead for 12yrs) and me for all her issues. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own actions. DH only texted back to New Husband that he missed being a family more than they knew and he hoped it could be resolved. It bothers me that DH never seems to stick up for me with them. Now every time DH & I disagree about something it always leads back to SD37 issue and DH's lack of support for me or even his dead wife. I do not want to get divorced. I just need some help figuring out how to handle the anger and pain I am going through. I wake up most mornings thinking about this nonsense and I look at my husband just waiting for the next time we don't agree on something and he brings this bs in to it. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you!
- Judester's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Disengage!
SD37 assume responsibility? That ship has sailed. Sounds like your DH has parented by guilt all this time and is now lapping up their crumbs.
Do what you want to do and don't get involved in the overgrown kid drama.
Disengage
It's hard but we need to stop letting these toxic people take up our brainspace. I have a similar toxic, manipulative, lying SD61 who has mentally tortured me for years with all her crap. The more I disengage and grayrock, the better I am. So, whenever DH brings her up (I never do), my response is "Hmmm. What's on tv tonight?" or "Gee. "Want a drink, honey?". Over time, he is mentioning her less. I don't try to limit or change his relationship with her. I'm just trying to limit my exposure to her.
In your case, I would always expect the worst, limit my exposure to her, and try to remove the topic of her from your conversations with DH. Good luck.
Disengagement is your friend
Do not engage with SD36 (36!!!) and do not get into it with New Husband #2. Dont. Even if it feels good to air your thoughts and feelings. It will get twisted and will get you emotional.
DH - just change the subject, do not bring up SD32. If he does then hmmmm, oh, ok, works really well. Poof - no arguments.
I'm Going With Disengagement, too
I took crap for 12 years until the last "attack" cost me my health...both physical and mental. My marriage almost ended. We went to counseling and some strong boundaries were set. The main ones...I have zero contact with DHs kids and he sees them away from our marital home. Soon to be 5 years I haven't seen any of those toxic, mean-spirited hateful people. Nor any of the grandkids that have come along in those years. Nor did I attend one of DHs kid's wedding. When I say I disengaged, I disengaged.
I understand about the response....good. You got it done and out of your system. Now begin the detangling. As JRI said, stop giving them brain space. Stop all communication with the SD and husband. In fact, BLOCK them. Let your DH know from here out, it's him and his kids and you do not want to be in "the know" unless it will impact you or your marriage. It's his kid; sorry her mom has passed but that doesn't make you a punching back with that nutcase or her enabling husband. Very telling when you own kids won't live with you. She can blame whomever she wants....you just don't participate in the mess.
Thirty seven years old. Wow. Yeah...time to remove that toxic individual and her clan from your life. Best to you.
Thank you and a question
CajunMom...Thank you so much. My cousin (80) and best friend (61) told me almost the same exact thing. My only question is to you or anyone who can answer is....What did you do to disengage mentally?? How did you stop thinking about it? How did you get back to feeling "normal" both physically and mentally. I absolutely will not put myself in a position of being in the company of any of them except for possibly Gkid20 who is in the Army and lived with us for 18 months and only if she reaches out to me. You said you went to counseling. Since I have suffered from mild anxiety & depression I wondered if anyone here tried anything that helped them get over this "low". SD was so very happy we got married and so excited to have me in her life. The last 3 years its been a complete flip and I can't help but be disappointed to my core. On top of that to have the Gkids act horrible to me as well now is like another blow. Now even the New Husband has turned on me. How do you not want to crawl into a hole? How do you go about your day like nothing has happened?
Facts. That is how you get over it. Rub their noses in the
the stench of the facts that THEY created. Including your less than stellar DH.
You may not want to divorce DH, but do you really what a husband who for the rest of your life, or his, is so ball-less and devoid of character that he won't have your back?
Protect yourself by teaching
Protect yourself by teaching yourself to stay above the fray. Hubby brings up SD's drama say "that's a shame. Did you know there's an (insert event here) coming up? we should go!" or "oh my. let's invite (insert friends names here) over for an evening of card/games/dinner next weekend" or "it is what it is, we should plan a trip to (insert local area here) for (insert event/concert/museum/anything here)."
your issues w/ SD will not go away but you don't have to be a part of them. This is on them. Reactions should range from "I hope SD finds her own balance soon." to "I'm not going to chase someone who hates me. please enjoy your relationship w/ her. I don't care to have one w/ her. It's best for everyone this way" to "I don't deal with emotional bullies. She's your daughter, I hope your relationship w/ her is good Dear."
Funny isn't it?
They never seem to grow tired of trying to get SM "in trouble" with daddykins. The triangulation is remarkable.