How to refill when you feel you have NOTHING left to give.....
SS15 will be coming back home with us full time next month. He felt that he would be better off living with his BM but as it turns out, BM is still a crappy, irresponsible, negligent parent and basically doesn't think its "working out" with him living with her.
Tension got really bad and thick in my home between SS and I. We virtually didn't speak to each other at all, its been like this for years. It was getting worse because his disrespect and defiance was growing with each day. I couldn't stand SS so much to the point that I started going to counseling to help me deal with my ill feelings towards my SS and to get some tools on how to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship with SS. Then DH got sick and tired of SS crap so he let him go live with his mom. Best 6 months EVER that he's been gone. My counselor encouraged me to talk to SS and reach out to him more. She told me that I have rejected him and that he feels it and that's probably contributing to him acting out. I get that. I do. I still cringe at the thought of having to bring up a convo with him or do anything that involves him. We've had a bad past and history and SS has been a total nightmare the entire time. I just don't feel as though I have anything to give him. I'm burned out.
Do any SM's have any tips or advice on how to build a relationship with stepkids when you dislike their behavior so badly?
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Comments
Dh needs to spend time with
Dh needs to spend time with his son and point out how SS can make life easier for everyone. He can tell SS that he is nearly a young man and that comes with privileges and responsibilities. DH can tell his son that SS has no idea what it is like to be a grown man yet DH has already been a 15 yr old boy and knows what goes on in his head.
So DH needs to let SS know there will be rules and consequences if the rules are not followed.
Ss is going to feel abandoned and will either milk it for all he can get or just be resentful. He needs to go to counselling and in turn understand he needs to reach a place where he accepts you are married to his father.
I suspect he thought that by being a brat would get him to go and live the life fantastic with his mother. And now he has found life with his mother isn't fantastic. It is worse than living with you and DH.
Keep your distance. Remain polite but do not engage with the boy. Let him come to you. It may take a few years for him to apologise. He will have to gt used to your routine again. But this is on DH to take him to task when he is out of line. But definitely he needs counselling. Just not the flake that told you it is all your fault and you have to do all the work.
Yes I couldn't agree more! DH
Yes I couldn't agree more! DH does need to spend time with his son. Not just taking him to the movies and the golf range, but actually having these convo's with him. DH does anything and everything to avoid conflict. he just likes to sweep everything under the rug and pretend as though it never happened.
Yes he needs to be in counseling as well. He was in counseling but his counselor was a total idiot. She's the one that encouraged DH to allow SS to play sports again before finishing out the consequences, she also agreed that it was a good idea to have him stay with his mother. SS really had this lady snowed. She also told me that I need to try more with him and he's acting out due to a lack of mother so she said I needed to step it up. FK HER! She doesn't know what I've done nor does she know how I've been treated.
I've lived a long time. One
I've lived a long time. One thing that I've learned is that some people are just worthless and disgusting long before they are adults. Notice I said "some" not "all". There's really NOTHING you can do to make SS15 be a better person.
This is your husband's son, and he is your husband's responsibility. Your DH must keep trying to guide and mold him as long as he is a minor. But you do not have to.
This is not a small child. At 15 your SS is pretty much who he is going to be. Why would you even WANT a relationship with someone who's behavior is so vile? It's okay to reject a disgusting 15 year old who is NOT YOUR CHILD. It's OK to let this almost grown young man know that a normal person who is not is parent WILL reject someone whose actions are despicable.
Do not be mean or cruel to this child - but you do not have to bend overbackwards to accommodate him.
Ping ponging is a COD
Ping ponging is a COD practice that I really hate. It's stressful for everyone, it allows skids to think they can just leave rather than working through and resolving issues, and it gives skids far too much power and opportunity for manipulation.
IMO, if a skid wants to move in with the other parent, they need to be told that they must commit to a stay for X length of time before the bioparents will revisit the issue.
Is this the same kid that stole your company car??
I'd be laying down some serious boundaries with my DH, including drawing up a list of house rules and a contract the kid must agree to and sign before moving in.
You have my deepest sympathies.
I totally agree with you
I totally agree with you Julie! the back and forth is not the business! Yes this is the same SS who stole my car. All his privileges were taken from him including all freedom and allowance as well as his phone, Ipad, etc. He was miserable and wanted to go live with BM where he knows he would be able to do whatever he wants, not be accountable and have no standards or rules. Yes living with his mom has been more like a vacay than anything, afterall she let him miss 7 weeks of high school because it was not a priority to get him enrolled.
DH did tell him that he had to commit a full semester if he was going to live with BM and would not be able to come back until it was complete. So here he is finishing out his semester and will be returning. UGHHHH. I plan on having a serious talk with my husband about SS and the expectations. There will be rules as there have always been, he just breaks them and has no remorse. DH doesn't follow thru with punishments and restrictions so I'm curious to see how this will play out. I can't stand SS even more because he did fk up majorly and then bailed, instead of staying put, working thru everything, facing the consequences and then rebuilding the trust. NOPE none of that was on his "to do" list. Then when he left, we cleaned out his bedroom which was completely trashed. we had to have the carpets cleaned in his room because he had food stains everywhere on the white carpet. We have a strict NO EATING in your room rule and he broke it to the fullest! I collected 3 trash bags full of trash behind his bed. Candy and food wrappers. Entire bags of half eating chips, drink bottles and about 50 lube packets so he was having jerk off marathons in his room and just tossing the trash behind his bed. It was disgusting! I was FURIOUS! DH had nothing to say or comment. Just ridiculous!
LOL Wickedsm123! So glad I
LOL Wickedsm123! So glad I did NOT pay for that wack job counselor, it was free thru my EAP from work. I stopped seeing her after 4 sessions, I was approved for 8. Once SS left to live with his mom, I was done with that counselor.
I agree that the kids shouldn't be given options and choices for where they want to live. That is giving the kid too much power and room to manipulate. Even though I loved the fact that SS was leaving and moving 500 miles away, I knew it was a bad idea. I fought with DH for SS to stay with us. I was afraid that he would go out there with BM and come right back to us even worse than he was before. DH NEVER takes my advice when it comes to his children. Main reason I disengaged.
Not that I truly want a relationship with SS, he's a lil sh*t. I just want peace and tranquility in my home. We can ignore each other but then again I'm not happy being unacknowledged. I've always been miserable when it comes to that. It sucks to say good morning to my stepkids and they don't respond. It sucks being at the dinner table and all of the steps only talking to "daddy" and bringing up all kinds of memories of their old nuclear family. I don't want to talk about BM at my dinner table ya know? DH hates that I alienate myself and do not participate in family activities. I don't have the heart to tell him I can't stand his kids. I can't stand the whining, the crying, the begging, the fighting, none of it.
I truly dislike SS, if I
I truly dislike SS, if I never saw him again it would be too soon. That's putting it nicely. As much as I was hoping and praying that he would stay with his mom forever, I knew that it wasn't the best option for him. I know him living with us is a better environment for him to thrive even though its a crappy option for me personally. This is my DH's kid and I understand that SS is his responsibility ultimately because BM is unfit.
Even my BS15 is not looking forward to SS returning home. They used to be thick as thieves, super close, besties, but after SS tried to blame my son for stealing the cars and just strait up lied on him, my son was done with him. They get along, but for my son, its superficial and just to keep the peace. My son doesn't hang out with him anymore. Its really sad actually because I know that SS feels the distance and doesn't like it but he's too immature to see that this is all due to his own behavior. When SS is home, my son just retreats to his own room or finds something else to do like go to his girlfriends house or one of his friends for the weekend. My son says he doesn't like SS negative energy and he can't be around it. Even my kid is seeing SS for who he is, a lil ahole.
You're counselor is way off
You're counselor is way off base. It is more likely you formed a strong boundary after being rejected by your SS. Not the other way around. I continue to question why counselors seem to feel we SMs must open our arms and take everyone's crap, over and over again. They seem to believe it's always up to us to fix it and rarely hold the kids responsible for their own behavior. To our own detriment. Dog forbid we set up boundaries and utter the words No More.
You are not required to have a relationship with this person. You do not have to sit down with him and have a discussion about his behavior. Especially since he hasn't bothered to apologize for past behavior. Which screams nothing has or will change with him. Or your relationship with him.
And it's okay to not have a relationship with your skid.
All you can do is treat him the same way you would a stranger, politely. That's it. You don't have to bond with him. He is not your child.
If he's living with you again, my recommendation is to sit your H down and explain everything to do with the care and raising of your SS is up to him. Rides. Homework. Laundry. Special Meals. Clothes. Gifts. Everything. Make your boundaries known, you will not tolerate any rude or abusive behavior from your SS. If he acts up, your H must deal with it immediately. If your SS starts in, walk away.
Will your H resent this? Probably but it's not up to you to fix this. It's up to them.
"It is more likely you formed
"It is more likely you formed a strong boundary after being rejected by your SS."
YES THIS!
I didn't walk into this resenting his kids. I walked into this super naïve and hopeful. I was excited and happy to accommodate DH and his kids and we would be one big happy family.
After years of being disrespected by stepkids and mistreated by them, I disengaged for my own sanity. I don't want to deal with that kid at all.