Stepdaughter
Our stepdaughter broke our hearts and maybe the marriage.
I married a man 10 years younger than myself. I love him very much. His ex was terrible and he was married to her for 15 years (for the benefit of the girls and he new if he divorced her she would make sure he never saw the girls again). Anyway, when I entered the picture, she had already had several sexual partners, was being allowed to roam the streets and was on no birth control. I got her on birth control, she got the Gardisil shots and was not longer allowed to roam the streets in the neighborhood. Her mother had encouraged her to date at 13. Both the girls did not know how to clean their room or do any kind of chores. We worked and worked with them to get their rooms clean and told her as long as her room was reasonable she could go out with her boyfriend. The boyfriend started hanging around more and more, until he was practically living with us. We went to counseling and tried to work through issues with her and us and the family in general. She would have huge meltdowns when she did not get what she wanted. (hair pulling, wailing screaming etc). I told her she would not do this in my house. If she was, she could go outside and do it) Meanwhile she would call her Grandmother or aunt (DH side) and cry and pout to them and they would give her what she wanted. We desperately tried to get her involved in activities at school and church, as well as getting everyone (except me who already was) baptized. She continued to refuse to clean her room (whereupon fumes would rise in a thick cloud when entering). Again, we told her if your room is not reasonably clean ( not perfect) and you are passing high school subjects, you will not be able to go out until it is. Next, the boyfriend who is out of high school and mooching of everyone in the town, was kicked out of his sister's house and then kicked out of a friend's house, because all he did was lay around all day and do nothing. He has not transportation and would rely and using friends car to get places. He would pick her up and then have no way of getting her home. He would show up on our doorstep and they would (" go walk around") and then it would time for him to leave and he would have no way to get home. He is now working at Chicken Express and plans on putting her through college. (He's going to have to fry alot of chicken to accomplish that) At one point, he asked his mom if he could have her wedding ring to give to her so they could get married. Anyway, she was not keeping her room clean and not passing classes and got inconsolable and you guessed it, she ran to her grandmother. The point being she can not run to her grandmother every time she had a problem or to avoid repercussions. It is really weighing heavily on our marriage. The stress and heartache has been tough on both of us. I am really finding it difficult to stay focused at work and I just don't feel like doing much ( in bed or out). I so wish something nice would come into our lives. I hope the Lord here's this also.
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I really hurt my husband's
I really hurt my husband's feelings this morning. It had started another conversation about the older stepdaughter and that he didn't know what to do. But he is basically standing there and saying his hands are tied. So I'm thinking, why are we rehashing this again? It got me all upset, and then when we laid down, he was sad and on the verge of crying. My work is so stressful and my home life is so stressful, I just don't feel like I can take much more. This whole stepdaughter thing has been going on for 2 years now. I don't feel like I can concentrate on work, I do not want to be cuddly, I just want to lie down and try not to think about it. I am already on anxiety med and depression meds. I just don't think this is a marriage with so much sadness and pain. I do not know what I can do to make things better. But I know right now, I am going through the motions at work, but I just feel like a body moving, with nothing inside. It takes too much effort to deal with all of it. I told him I would do whatever it takes to make myself feel better. Buy all the puppies from the Humane Society or live in a cave until I could find a way out of the sadness. I feel like I am going down physically ( I had lost weight this summer, but have started gaining it back) and off course it is not doing me any good emotionally. DH has tried everything he can think of to help me out. He is a sweet man and I love him dearly.
Cut all ties with her. It is
Cut all ties with her. It is the only way to preserve your sanity. I have had to do it 2x in 4 yrs... And her eare my stories...
#1 story.. My then-17 yr old decided she knew so much better than her S/Dad, her father (in Australia) and me. She moved in with her BF straight out of HS and got pregnant. Then we heard how supportive his parents were blah blah blah. Fast forward to 2009. she realises her BFs parents are fine as long as you do it THEIR way and her BF was out of touch with reality. She came home with her tail between her legs. 18 mths later she is out on her own again and in school. She is a terrific mother and GD is a lovely little girl. I am sure she was born for a special reason.
Story #2: OSS was picked up with his friends MIP (dope)at 14. His mother chose that as it was HER time she decided he could still go on the church mission trip because it would do him some good... apart from the fact that 2 of his cohorts in crime were on the same trip!
OSS seldom visited us. He and I got into it a couple of years ago and he has kept his distance. He missed the first class in highschool all thru his senior year. His mother covered for him. She never enforced his father's parenting timeand it is difficult to make a mouthy 16 yr old get in the car. That is if he was even at his mother's place.
She still provided a car and cell phone for him. We suspected he was smoking dope a lot. DH was a pot smoker in his youth (1970s) and knew all the signs and OSS knew it!
The rumour mill at school got back to my DS (same grade as OSS) who let me know that if someone wanted dope then OSS was the guy to see. I told DH and he discussed it with OSS. He denied it up, down and sideways. I also heard it from 2 other non related people. Still the same resonse. Who is it! They are liars!
He finished his freshman year in college this year. In June he got stoned and drunk and crashed his car. He got probation and Drug Court. He broke probation by smoking dope and getting drunk the NIGHT BEFORE his scheduled eval and blood work! Mr 19 is cooling his heels in jail for the next few months. He MAY be out for Christmas. But his mother cannot bail him out of this one. And DH has talked more to his son in the last 3 weeks than he has in the last 4 years. The boy calls almost every night.
Your SD doesn't want the rules. So she doesn't get rules. She will crash and burn just like my DD and SS.
As for her sister, it is probably better she isn't always with her older sister while she is in such a pissy behaviour mode. She will feed off the anger and rebelliousness.
As for grandma, tell her she is welcome to take care of SD. however if SD fails her first semester, what is the plan? Oh and BTW, she isn't getting any CS because she doesn't have legal custody of SD.
I think after SD crosses grandma a couple of times she will be sent home. There is only so much she will be able to take.
The boyfriend? Grandma will put up only so much.
You are trying to control a situation you cannot control. So let her learn the hard way. Let grandma put up with her crap for a while. You haven't failed. You haven't lost the battle. Because when everyone stops fighting over her and no one pays her any attention she will come back down to earth and realise she really is being quite stupid. Once I started to let my DD go and just ignored her drama she realised I would not feed into her games and life.
Right now the boyfriend is exciting and romantic and all Romeo and Juliet. Star crossed lovers being enabled by grandma. My daughter would tell me she and A would be together even after death. VERY GOTHIC and romantic. And quite rediculous really.And like my daughter she will work it out herself.
Hope this gives you some hope from someone who has walked that path 2x times now. DD and OSS.
Thank you. You have helped me
Thank you. You have helped me greatly. I feel better, and hopefully will find a place I can exist and not feel so sad. I'm not sure she'll ever learn to take care of her own issues instead of running to others. As long as her GM is around, she will never have to. The GM will put up with it even if it brings her down to. Thanks again for your help and for listening.
Thank you for your help. It
Thank you for your help. It has been several weeks now and we have not heard a word form SD or grandmother either. I hope things work out, because I feel really tired and sad about the whole thing.