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Just need to get it out, I wasn't ready.

Jemjam's picture

Submitted by Jemjam on Mon, 03/16/2020 - 12:59am

I really just need to vent or I'm going to go crazy. I met a good man, a very good man. He has always gone out of his way to prove that he cares about me. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four years, getting closer to five. When we started out, my two girls were the only ones in the picture completely. I will say (judge away, it can't change the past.) A couple months before we first got together he had gotten another girl pregnant. They were never officially a couple. He also had another daughter who lived with her mother in Kansas (we're in Kentucky). So, here I am during the first year expecting there to be a new baby around. When the new little boy was born she would not really allow my boyfriend to see him. Fast forward around a year later, the daughter in Kansas gets put into foster care due to drug related issues and my boyfriend rushes off to her rescue and gets full custody. We were delighted as he would always talk about her and always wished he could have her in his life all the time. Another daughter in the home, a bigger happier family and she and I got along great. She and my oldest became great friends. Not much has changed with the little boy, we've only gotten to be around him seldomnly. So finally, around year 3, almost 4, with enough arguing and persuading he is allowed to get his son part time (most of the time more than half). So, all of a sudden it went from 3 kids to 4 for over half the week. How different could it be? A lot. A lot different. He is the only one not in school and my partner works during the day (myself in the evening) so my sleeping schedule is getting tossed around. He is destructive and always loud. We share a car and it seems like if anytime I would like to enjoy some free time after work (when mine are with their father) with coworkers or friends I am not able to keep our car due to the child needing to be picked up or dropped off or this or that. I'm feeling trapped and unhappy. I'm not connecting with this child like I thought I would and I feel guilty about it. He and my youngest do not get along what so ever and he is constantly invading on her space and privacy. They're always fighting. Both my partner and I get defensive over our own. (Our two youngest, the two oldest are good other than being spoiled) It's causing a rift between us. Lastly, before we could make time for each other to at least enjoy and date or something every once in a while but its been almost a year since we've gotten him "part time" and we can barely get anything done much less make time for each other. I thought, since every went so well with his daughter moving in (whom I love just like my own), this would be the same but it isn't. I want to cry almost every other day. I don't know what to do.. And yes we've talked about everything and he doesn't know what to do either as he is equally stessed out most of the time. I was not ready for four kids.

Comments

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Mon, 03/16/2020 - 2:02am

One of the biggest pitfalls of dating someone with kids is suddenly getting full custody, especially if the skid has behavioral problems caused by poor parenting or neglect.

It sounds like your bf has made some not so great decisions, including having unprotected sex with trash and then failing to go to family court to get a custody order so he could be in his son's life. Now, his mistakes are impacting you.

What would your bf do if you weren't in the picture and he was a single parent? He'd find childcare. So, you need to draw a boundary,  tell your bf that the current arrangement isn't working for you, and that he needs to line up someone else to babysit. Heck, when are you even sleeping if you work nights? He also should be filing for cs from BOTH of his baby mommas as they do not deserve to get away with not supporting their kids while you are. Speak up, girl!

I also think that after four years with this guy, you need to take a hard look at things and decide if you're better off with him or without him. Your daughters should be your top priority, and you can't afford to get drug down by someone else's poo. This guy's indiscriminate breeding means he's going to be poor and struggling for the next twenty years, but that doesn't have to be your story, too.

Think about what you need to work on in order to be the best mom to your kids, and make that your focus. Consider living separately but dating, or accepting that your respective responsibilities are taking each of you in opposite directions. Bottom line is you don't have to accept this sh!t sandwich or feel guilty for not wanting to martyr yourself. You're not married, and even if you were, this toddler still wouldn't be your responsibility.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Mon, 03/16/2020 - 6:11am

What makes him a "good man"? I'm not seeing a man who puts you first if he isn't allowing you to sleep because you're stuck babysitting. I'm not seeing a man who puts you first if his son has wild behavioral issues that he isn't addressing (either through therapy or consistent discipline). I'm not seeing a man who is seeking external help like you are. I'm not seeing a man who stepped in for either of his kids until he "had to" or, if I had to take a guess, you pushed him to. I mean, you work full-time and don't even have access to a vehicle to go out and do things!

This is a BROKEN man that likely has some good qualities that you find loving and endearing. I'd also guess, because many of us here have done this, that you like projects and he was a fixer-upper - a "diamond in the rough" that no one else was willing to put the time into.

Exjulie is right. You need to start setting some hard boundaries with your BF, first being that he finds childcare for his son. Then, it needs to be that he has CS orders for each of his BMs, and actual full custody of the boy if he is with you all so much. THEN, separate yout money from him and pay your half of the bills. Then you two can decide if you need to work more or differently to support your own kids and livelihood.