My Step-son Bullies my daughter
I was married 8 months ago to a widow with three children, 2 daughters (11 & 17) and a son (13). I have a duaghter who is 13. The 4 kids live with us. The problem is the relationship between my step-son and my daughter. I thought it was a matter of my daughter getting used to a brother who teases her, because that is what he does in front of us. However, my daughter has been extremely upset and has started telling me about what happens when the aults are not around. She started a new school this year (we moved about 1 hour from our old home), which his kids already attended. She is shy, and trying hard to make friends. He tells the kids in the school embarrasing things about her, makes fun of any new freinds she does make, tries to start fights between her and her new friends by telling lies about her and constantly makes fun of her. She didn't even want to tell me becuase she was afraid it would cause problems between me and my husband (who she adores). She begged me not to get involved because she is afraid it will make matters worse, but she is not the type to stand up for herself. She is so sad all of the time, and doesn't even want to come out of her room. I don't know how to handle this!
- jbgl's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I thought my SS and I were
I thought my SS and I were geting all pretty well, but daughter said he doesn't like me - I guess another thing that he prentends about when we are all together. I want to address him with my husband, but am not sure that will work. I am afraid that SS will retaliate more against my daughter. If the bully was some random kid at school it would be so much easier to handle, but we all live in the same house. Buut I think you are right - we do have to have a united front. Thank you.
You need to address it with
You need to address it with Dh to SS. You can't just sweep it under the rug for fear that it will get worse. What kind if message does that send to your daughter? She deserves to feel valued and safe at school and in her own home. And she needs to see that you have her back and that she can count on you.
Also, you need to address this with the school. Their teachers need to be aware of what is going on, so that they can keep a closer eye on SS. how big is the school? Can they be kept apart?
When I married DH, I moved to
When I married DH, I moved to his city and my children attended the same school his children did. His sons are 2 years older than my daughter and we experienced the same issues. One SS in particular was extremely jealous of my daughter, so was doing the same things your SS is doing to your daughter... getting friends (which then turned into the entire grade) to call her derogatory names, belittling her in front of peers, telling horrible lies about her friends (some whom avoided my daughter just to avoid the ridicule). It was horrible, as I had moved my children away from everything/one they knew and loved only to have to tolerate this type of behavior.
I agree with StepAside (oh mighty knowledgeable one!) - having your DH speak to SS privately won't work. Didn't work for us because SS didn't care that he was hurting feelings, so I ended up calling a meeting with the school Principal, myself, DH, SS and DD (as what SS was doing was technically under the realm of bullying which went against school code). The Principal spoke candidly and sternly to SS about his behavior DURING SCHOOL and the consequences, as some of the teachers had already reported concern about his behavior and the toll it was taking on my daughter (he did end up getting detention a few times before it sunk in). Then DH and I talked to him about his behavior AT HOME and what he could expect from us if behavior like this continued.
A couple years later, this is how it's played out... my daughter will have absolutely NOTHING to do with either SS. She acts as though they don't exist, and they do the same to her.
Ideal? No. And it sucks that my daughter could not even feel "safe" within the confines of this blended family, or our own home. My DH knows in his heart where the problem lies (SS) and accepts the fact that until his son can feel a little bit of compassion and remorse, it will never change. But always always at the root of the situation will be jealousy - because my kids live here with their father and they don't.
It is a small private school,
It is a small private school, they are in three classes together. And it is 6-12th grade, so they have 4 more years together. Good news is that in high school, the honors students are put in separate classes so they won't be in class together any more.
Great ponit on the message to my daughter. She should feel valued and safe. I will speak with my husband tonight. I know it will hurt him to hear that his son is doing this - but he loves my daughter too and he is a good man who will want to help remedy this.
I am so sorry to hear this
I am so sorry to hear this and my heart hurts for your daughter. Bad enough kids have to deal with peers at school doing this to them but to have someone who is living in your home treat you this way is ten times worse. I have low tolerance for bullies and having grown up in a rough neighborhood I handle bullies the way they need to be handled very strongly. I have been known to threaten bodily harm on anyone who messes with my kids. And I mean business too. One time I went to my sons school, I asked him to point out which kid was messing with him, I went straight up to the boy, put my hand on his chest and shoved him against a wall. I looked him dead in the eye and told him that if he ever as much as looked at my boy sideways again, I'd make sure he lost his eyeballs. I walked away as a teacher began to approach me. The kid NEVER looked at my boy again. I have also given my kids permission that if EVER someone even tries to lay a hand on them, pounce on them. I'll deal with the Principal. I agree that you can make this kids life VERY difficult if he continues to mess with your child. As mothers, we have a God given right to protect our offspring and I take that VERY seriously. You can always fight fire with fire you know. Have your daughter photograph him doing something really embarrassing and then tell him that if he keeps messing with her, she'll make posters and plaster them all over the school. I hate bullies, they piss me the fuck off.
I want to help my daughter -
I want to help my daughter - and I will address this issue head on, but I don't want to make my SS's life miserable. He is a child who lost his mother 5 years ago. I want him to be happy and well adjusted. I married my husband and promised to be a good SM to his kids. Just not at the expense of my own child. As far as I am concerend I have 4 kids that my husband and I am responsible for. I don't want it to become an us against them situation. I agree that my SS has to know that there are consequenses for his actions, and that bullying ANYONE will not be tolorated, especially his step-sister. I think his anger that he directs at my kid is that he is jealous that she still has a mom and a dad (her dad is very much a part of her life) and he doesn't. Doesn't make what he is doing right but he is still a child.
Please do not take huge
Please do not take huge offense at what I'm going to say.
My children lost their father over 8 years ago (DD was 5, DS was 3). I refuse to let them use that as a crutch for bad behavior. My children don't "bully" their stepsibs because stepsibs still have both parents. Therefore, in my situation we would not let DH's son "bully" because he was jealous that my kids lived with his dad and he didn't.
Your SS can be well-adjusted despite losing his mother. Bullying is bullying, and is unacceptable. Period, no excuses. If there are underlying issues because of his loss, those need to be dealt with separately.
I am so NOT offended - I
I am so NOT offended - I agree completely, it should not be a crutch. That's not what I meant. I just meant I think that may be where it is coming from, so we have to address it and let him know that regardless of what he has been through in life, bullying will not be tolerated. Thanks for your comments.
thanks for not being
thanks for not being offended, and you are correct -- regardless of the past, bullying is NOT ok under any circumstance.
and I agree with a previous poster because I felt the same way about my daughter -- I did not want her to grow up thinking she had to go along to get along.. what would that mean when she was 16? Nobody has to tolerate that kind of behavior towards themselves. If felt that if we did not act on the situation, not only would I be showing my daughter that there was no such place as a "safe place" but also teaching her that not holding SS accountable for his actions because we didn't want to upset him was much more important than her own feelings of self-worth.
Huh? I'd kick the idiots
Huh? I'd kick the idiots a$$! The reason these little shits get away with it is because of lazy parents who don't do anything about it. Stop him NOW! Say something NOW! If your DH doesn't agree or doesn't stop it, I would put her in a different school, even if it meant paying for a private school. Do NOT let your child suffer because of some idiot 13yr old. It's bad enough she has to put up with him at home.