Uncooperative BM
This is my 1st time...so Hi. I am going nuts with our court system and the lack of support that SM's get. My fiance & I share custody with his ex (1st, 3rd & 5th Thursday & every Friday to Monday morning). I quit my job to be a stay at home mom so we could blend our families together (I have 2 children from my 1st marriage). My fiance has told her numerous times to communicate with me when it comes to SD's schedule and she refused to do so, yet she has no problem using us when its going to work out good for her and her schedule. I called her yesterday to discuss my SD's swimming lesson schedule and location so we could go and support her. She refused to answer the call, I called again no answer, I left a message later with her boyfriend and still nothing, finally I texted her and noted that I had left a message with boyfriend to discuss SD's schedule. She blew up at me sent me a text and called. In the text she told me not to call her phone again, she would only communicate with my fiance in regards to HER daughter. I am furious...I am the one taking my SD to church, birthday parties, sports activities, piano, etc. I volunteer at her school and set up play dates for her. Yet I have no rights apparently to discuss SD's schedule. How is this possible!!!
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Sad but True
BM.. while being unnecesarily difficult .. is in the right. She doesn't have to discuss her daughter with anyone but fiance. You need to let this battle go as it is "no win". It will mean increased communication between you and fiance, but let him deal with BM and work out scheduling.
Stepup
For your own sanity...
...let him deal with her. TRUST ME. And maybe you guys should try to communicate with her through email. It's less confrontational and, while she is communicating via email to him, you will also see it and be kept in the loop. Huge pat on the back to you for being such a great, involved stepmom. Yes, she's being silly, but you'll have bigger battles to fight. This is a relatively easy one to let go.
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
I Agree
It is a giant pain that she refuses to communicate with you, but you're better off in the long run if you just let hubby deal with it. Anne is totally right on the e-mail front, too. E-mail serves many purposes, not the least of which is to document everything that's said. It helps tremendously to keep the emotion factor out of it, as well. Good luck with it!
Check out my blog at http://stephaniesplace.wordpress.com
not alone
I am going through a similar situation right now, and ultimately what it has come down to is that I have the DH handle it, of course he makes no final decision with out me since we are married and have a child of our own, (and we by no means let BM and the ss dictate "our" family schedule) but he will be the one to talk to BM, it was better for my sanity especially since I have always believed the BM to be a total psycho anyways.
This is going to be your family now, you need to make up the schedule and some rules of your own, if SD is going to be there great, but if she isn't that is fine too, in the end it may hurt the SD a little if she does not make it to certain events or if you don't make it to her events but overall she will see the end result which is that the BM is mean and uncooperative.
I know what you are going
HEY THIS IS MY FIRST POST!!! HEY EVERYBODY!!!!
I know what you are going through. I had a girlfriend that had her step son FULLTIME, but her husband had never got the custody papers changed. My friend went to her step son's school for a conference, she then finds out that the BM had wrote a letter that stated "no 3rd party information could be given out to her." She was the one who took care of the child EVERYDAY.
It's a control thing with women like that. They have no control over their life so they try to control everything else by making it miserable for you both and unfortunately the kids.
It's not the size of the dog, it's the size of the bark in the dog.
DO not back down.
First of all she is in denial. She cannot stand the fact that her ex has moved on. Even though she has a BF. I think that I would call her and text her everyday till she responds. And explain to her that your husband/fiance is busy and you are gladly taking on responsibility where its needed. Be nice but to the point. Sooner or later she is going to have to grow up and deal with you. How very sad, for the little girl. I would throw all that out to her. Ask her what or why she is having a problem with you being the one. Also state that while you understand she is her daughter, that being said she is not property she is a person, a child and a product of the sperm your husband donated to her eggs.. LOL.. Seriously though ask her what her problem is?
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
This is all too familiar!
She's going to fight you tooth and nail, just to be difficult. I would get the swim schedule directly from the source - swim coach, swim team website, whatever - and leave BM out of it entirely because she can and will just withhold the information from you. Dealing with her is just going to be a hassle, take it from me! Your health and sanity is much more important than wasting all your time and energy trying to get her to cooperate.
You have all the responsibility and none of the rights - isn't that sad?