Draft
Please help me learn how to disengage from my DH and SS(4). I watch SS full time (I'm not working right now) and I'm so tired by the weekend (when DH is off work) that I can't stand being with DH and SS at the same time. SS isn't bad, but he's never had structure or stability in his life. Well, before me and DH got together, and we've only been married for about 8 months and together for about a year and a half. We moved to his home town (away from my family and SS's mom) for financial reasons and because his family's very supportive up here.
The problem is that before we moved I was working full time and making enough to support us. DH worked but he couldn't save a dollar if his live depended on it. SS was in a wonderful daycare with set days and I still had time to myself (before or after work). SS, DH, and I all got along well and had fun doing "family" things together.
After the move about six months ago, everything changed. I'm not working and taking care of SS all day, every day. I'm relying on DH to support us, but that's been iffy at best. I wanted a chance to really get to know SS and give him a chance to get used to this new lifestyle. Instead, I realize how far behind (mentally) SS is. He literally wouldn't eat anything except chicken nuggets, quesadillas, or fish sticks. No joke. He's gonna turn 5 in a couple of months and still regularly has accidents (even when he's right next to a bathroom). You can tell him something (Ex: "No yelling in the house, please."), then ask him to repeat it back, and he can't, because he has no idea what you just said. I under stand young kids usually have the attention span of a goldfish, but I'm talking about having him come over to me, look him in the eyes, and saying something to him in a calm voice using simple words…and nothing. He can't focus on anything and remember it. He's smart, or he could be but he's never had people really interact with him. He's never had discipline so
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Ok. Wow, slow your roll. One,
Ok. Wow, slow your roll. One, I have litteraly been in your shoes. Litteraly. I just got out from under 9 months of being a "sahm" to my two SDs, with a soon to be DH who sucks at money (love him, but it's true) after moving back to our hometown area. And his kids are 4 and 5 for reference.
First, you deserve a gold star or something for all of eternity for doing this. Give yourself a break, this is hard to do. You're doing great, the kid is still alive and well. You seem to have retained some sanity. The house hasn't burned down. There is nothing wrong about how you're feeling.
Two, I'm going to tell you how I delt with my situation. I told DH, I will do this for one year, that's it. After that it's all you. Two, weekends are for me time, you deal with the kids. I'm not getting juice or making lunch or going on outings with them. I'm going to sleep in and drink my coffee and go out to lunch with my girlfriends. Deal with it. I told him I'd take over the bank account for that year so he could have less responsibility and more time to adjust to his new job. He got cash at the beginning of each pay period and that was his spending money. Not a penny more. That's right, he got an allowance. As for the kids, I put up strong natural consequences for backtalk, acting out, and temper tantrums. You're going to be a miserable brat this morning, ok go to your room and play until daddy gets home. That's it. No arguements, no fighting. You wet yourself, let's go get those dirty clothes. I'll help you, but you're going to put them in the washer and wipe up the floor. You loose your shit over a toy, it goes in toy timeout until you get a grip and act like a "big girl". Guess what, the kids behave at my house. At BMs, the 4 year old pees herself, they both talk back to her, and they don't listen. But they know when they come here, that won't work for them. Durring the week I had a schedule. TV when we get up, two educational shows. The breakfast. Then bath time. Then art. Then the park if it was nice. Lunch time at 1230. Quiet time for at least 90 mins. (Gives you a break.) Then I'd play with them for 45 mins if they were very good. Then free time till daddy gets home at 430. Once dad walked in, I punched out. He could do dinner and bedtime and i would come say goodnight.
Set your lines hard and fast with the kids and DH and you will survive. You might not enjoy it, you might have days where you can't stand it. But you have to remind yourself he's going to kindergarten soon. Repeat it like a mantra.
^^^^^ This is what I have
^^^^^ This is what I have been doing since SS3stb4 was 8 months old. I worked the weekends but spent the weeks with him on a schedule similar to this. We still have this scheduled even down to the checking out after dad gets off on Friday and having the weekend off. Having a set routine is the only way kids this young will cooperate and keep you sane.
In my opinion, it's not a
In my opinion, it's not a great idea (for safety reasons) to disengage from a small child in your care AND it's next to impossible to disengage from a partner you are financially dependent on.
If you're still satisfied with the current plan that you care for SS and DH supports the family, then you and DH need to get straight how money gets managed and how you both get free time.... more so you since SS isn't even your child. Won't be easy as both topics can be confrontational... but otherwise you'll stay unhappy.
Why is SS not in school? If
Why is SS not in school? If he is turning 5 in 2 months, then he could have/should have been in PreK this past school year. Will he be going to Kindergarten in the fall?
Not in my district, although
Not in my district, although it could be different in hers. Here you have to be 5 before Sept 1 to go to K - sounds like her SS would miss that by about a month, meaning he'd go to K next year. We don't have public pre-K here either - and I got the feeling she's staying home so they don't have to pay for day care (or preschool).
Poor you! I think first you
Poor you!
I think first you need to figure out what you want, in an ideal world. (Still has to be "real world" though, so "SS going to live with his mom" probably isn't realistic!) Do you want to go back to work? Do you want to move back to where you were before? Do you want to be a SAHM to SS and just have a bit more of a break?
I agree that you actually can't disengage. You're custodial, and you are the SOLE caretaker for the child during work hours. Disengagement is not realistic. Probably not even on the weekends, honestly. One, "disengaging" from your SO is a really bad idea for the health of your relationship. Two, no 4 year old is going to understand that 5 days a week you care for him and 2 days a week you won't do anything for him.
I hear that you're unhappy with the last 6 months, and I totally understand. If we have a better idea of what you want the NEXT 6 months to look like though, maybe we can give you some ideas on how to get there!
EDITED TO ADD:
By the way, has someone mentioned to his pediatrician about the perceived developmental delays? His doctor needs to be aware of that, you may qualify for services which can help. (And early help is always better! Don't let SS get too far behind without some intervention, if intervention is necessary.)