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JamieG's picture

Submitted by JamieG on Wed, 01/10/2018 - 7:32pm

Hello everyone. I am new here and have been reading blogs and posts for a few weeks now until I finally became courageous enough to join the site. I have two "soon to be" grown stepchildren, both in college. I have an unusual situation because these kids are not the biological sons of my my fiance. However, he has raised them and loves them and continues to take financial responsibility for their schooling.

My SO does a great job with the kids for the most part. He does not do so well with their mother. They are still friends and he tends to jump when she says jump when it concerns these grown children.

I stay out of everything. Due to my own age, I have grandchildren, I have no need to mother these kids or even be their friend. I have my own money and a separate bank account. I pay for nothing for the kids. I do live with their dad and at holidays it is difficult because these kids are in and out of the house at all hours while I am trying to get a good night's sleep before work the next day.

We are planning on getting married in October and have been together for several years now. This is not how I imagined my golden years to be, but my SO got a late start on parenting while I started early in life, so we are at different stages. My own children have long been out of college, have their own careers and children.

So that's me. Looking forward to getting to know you all.

Comments

Veritas's picture

Submitted by Veritas on Thu, 01/11/2018 - 5:34am

Welcome, JamieG! Sounds like you are doing great at laying out and sorting some of the initial issues a lot of us have experienced.

I find one of the biggest problems in these relationships is that expectations don't always get expressed early on and that can create misunderstandings and hurt feelings. While this is true for any relationship, it can have a different impact in step life, as step parents can often get swept up in accusations of bad intent and finger pointing. I know it has surprised many of us on this board to suddenly be the odd one out of three or more in what we believed was a two person marriage.

Anyway, glad you found the site...I know it has been a lifesaver for so many of us Smile

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Thu, 01/11/2018 - 9:33am

Welcome! I had the same problem with my DH and the SKIDs mother, for at least 5 years until he learned to assert himself with her. Maybe you could encourage him to be more confident in his dealings with her.
And also maybe discuss your concerns about your steps with your fiance and say what you expect regarding them. You have rights too - and they are no longer children.

I am in a similar position to you in that I am older than my DH, I have grandchildren from my two daughters in their 30s, my SDs are in their early 20s.

Coco72's picture

Submitted by Coco72 on Thu, 01/11/2018 - 9:45am

Hi JamieG! Smile I'm pretty new here as well, and we are in similar situations.

My SO and I are the same age, and we both started early and have adult children, and grandchildren. Then he married a younger woman, and had a second family, so now "we" have a 10 year old....not what I wanted to be doing in my mid 40's, but most days it is not horrible. My kids haven't lived at home for quite a few years, and even when they were home they were pretty self sufficient, so I grew very accustom to that life. When my SO and I moved in together I had a really hard time, it's been over 6 months now, and that too is getting better.

I agree with Veritas, I had certain expectations, which were not all met, there were some that I compromised on, and some that were deal-breakers for me, the deal-breakers had to do with BM, and we figured those out as well.

Welcome, again.