You'd think WW3 had begun...
Yesterday, I sent my partner a text message (been together 7 years, married almost 2, we are both women) stating that I thought it might be a good idea to sit down this weekend and have a conversation about the oldest in the house who will be graduating and an adult soon. Clearly, this was a mistake. She stated that all I did was make her mind wander and that it was a horrible thing to do. I did it this way because we are a high conflict couple. We cannot have conversations about kids (specifically hers) without it getting out of control on the fly, so I tried this. We do actually sit down last night and we were talking about what the boundaries are and I mentioned that all of the lies (she will lie about everything. What she wore, what she eats, where she's been...she does have a diagnosis of disassociative disorder--or multiple personalities) really get to me and she just made excuses for her. It led to me saying that no one should have to live like that (she's created a lot of drama in the last 6 months). My partners perception is skewed sometimes because in conflict all she hears is "I'm leaving" instead of let's find a way to resolve this so we all can live without the chaos of the last several months. The whole thing blew up. She tells me it's over, we are both yelling, and the kid comes out of her room. I asked her to go back to her room and she crossed her arms and said no. What's worse, my partner then stood in front of her kid, faced me and also told me no, that her kid was there to protect her. I feel completely betrayed. Listen, I understand the mental health issue here with her kid, and I hit a sore spot or something. But never did I mean I was leaving, but she always takes it that way. Always. Deep down I know she is very insecure and she cannot be left...she has to leave so she often jumps the gun and ends it with me. Every. Single. Time.
I was so angry that I told her to "calm her tits"....well, apparently that sparked her issues with past sexual abuse (which I did know about, but I sure wasn't meaning to comments specifically about that. It's just a saying. I know it wasn't nice, I did apologize). All of my wrongdoings came out of her mouth then (which also happens). She asked me how I would feel if she texted me and said she wanted to talk in 4 days about my disabled son moving out. That wasn't even close to what I was doing or saying. So now I hear about how horrible of a person I am for making the clam your... Comment, I'm a bad mom, leave her kids alone, she's got this (but if I ask you to provide transportation for one of them you should), worry about your own kids, remember that time you got drunk and ended up in the shed...and on and on and on. Well beyond me apologizing for how this whole thing went down, that I didn't know I was hitting sore spots, that I can't know that unless you communicate that with me a little better, she continues the character assassination. It's horrible.
I am not perfect, this I am well aware of. But the ongoing comments are a bit much. I am for the most part disengaged from her kids but not because of the kids. It's because she was jealous if I spent time with them outside the house and she wasn't there, tried to make me feel bad about that too. She wants to be the only person who shines in her kids eyes. But when it comes to having another adult in the house, I would imagine being on the same page in terms with sharing a living space with her would be a conversation that is needed. It was supposed to be about things like clean up after yourself, still check in if you're going to be gone long periods of time and so on.
So last thing she says to me this morning is we can maybe work this out, but she's not putting her wedding rings back on. The punishment continues.
Any words of wisdom?
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She sounds positively awful!
She sounds positively awful! The fact that you say she OFTEN ends it with you? No. I would stop being her emotional hostage and punching bag. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. This sounds insane to me.
^^^THIS.
^^^THIS.
i HAD a roommate in college
i HAD a roommate in college whose mother had that dissociative multiple personality disorder (and a whole slew of other problems). I'd be stressed to the gills when roommate's mom would just visit. She's break mirrors because a little boy personality would come out but he'd see a fifty year old fat woman in the mirror (my hallway mirror) and he'd break it. She'd turn on the water in the upstairs bath and a different personality would then emerge who wouldn't know about the bath and she flooded my entire condo. She also had an eating disorder and she would eat EVERYTHING in my house. This woman was institutionalized and my roommate would get her mom sometimes for visitation. We didn't make it at roommates so I can't imagine how you've made it 7 years. I do know that you don't get that disorder on the fly and that it is the result of extreme abuse at a very young age. My roomate's mom was locked in a box and suffered extreme sexual abuse. I am not even sure how my roommate was conceived but her mother was certainly not capable of raising her and she was adopted and raised by family members. The mom even chased my roommate's boyfriend with an axe when she was 15.
My point in all that is two fold. 1) Something happened pretty horrifically to your wife's child to cause that disorder so maybe your wife's parenting skills have been lacking from the get go. 2) It seems to be a life long disorder and I agree with you that an open and honest conversation at the age of 18 did indeed need to happen to see what the life long care of this kid is going to be and your wife needed to handle it much more maturely.
I don't know how you've lasted as long as you have. I say your wife isn't going to be able to last very long without you and that you are the strong person in the relationship and you need to decide what you want!
All of her kids were adopted.
All of her kids were adopted. She got her when she was almost 5. Things did happen in the kid's life to cause this issue at a very early age, but it wasn't at the doing of my wife or her ex-partner. I should have clarified that.
I appreciate your wisdom!
Words of wisdom? When you
Words of wisdom? When you find yourself in a high conflict relationship, get out of it. This is insanely unhealthy. She needs her daughter to protect her from you? You're a bad mother, but oh hey, do the crap for my kids that I've asked you to. You're triggering me, how dare you, no of course I'm not getting any help for my past trauma. You hate my kids, what do you mean you're spending time with them and they liked it, how could you do this to me, I'm their MOM!
It's been 7 years. Has Anything gotten better? Because the best predictor of the future is the past. Why would you accept this in your life? Even if you could go on for hours about how much you love her, she apparently doesn't treat you in a loving way, you can't communicate with her without being punished.... What is the point?
Where on earth did you pull
Where on earth did you pull all of that out of what I wrote? Because I said none of those things. It's not what she eats, it's the lie and then the blaming of others for doing what she did that bothers me because she blames my children when her mother asks her what happened to whatever it is at the moment. I could care less what she eats, what she wears, or what she is doing. As I said, I am for the most part disengaged with my wife's kids because of her own behavior, not theirs.
No where in there did I say a darn thing about the kid moving out. No where! What I said is my wife and I should be on the same page because SD17's behavior affects all the rest of the kids in the house. That there needs to be a plan for the next couple of years and what the expectations are regarding behavior toward siblings and other adults in the house. She is mentally ill and the last 6 months have been chaos and stress and as the adults in the house, there should be a way we can all get on the same page. So no, I don't accept the fact that she flew and flies off the handle so easily. What's more, no one should have to live like this....is what I said...when your 17 year old cannot be honest about a damn thing, and it's not just my kids I'm talking about. There should have been a discussion of solutions, but there wasn't. From the get-go she was hung-ho about her defensiveness because she doesn't do well with conversations about her kids. So again, I never mentioned the kid moving out, just a plan about school, work and home life, and in the meantime, I'm the one told it's over and to leave. She does to me what she's afraid I am going to do to her. She has a deep seated insecurity regarding people leaving and so no one has ever left her except the first one. She leaves us all.
Also, she does this to her kids, too. I'm not the only one suffering through her crap. As for the comment...poor choice of words for sure. This may very well end over that. This was not said in front of her kid...this was said prior.
Perhaps you're right. I'm
Perhaps you're right. I'm waiting for something that isn't ever going to happen. We should be able to talk. We should be able to come up with solutions. I keep thinking we'll grow up and be adults. You've shown me I am wrong.
But you're claim about me ranting was incorrect, that was your assumption.
Best wishes.
YES. Exactly.
YES. Exactly.