My Life is Like a Soap Opera!
Well, I have been lurking and reading, and have even posted a few replies, but I am finally in need of putting my story out there!
I have 2 Bios, DD12 & DS9, who I have about 65% of the time, and 2 SKs SS17 (ADHD & Aspergers) and SS5, with 2 BMs, who we have 50% of the time, but different days.
DH & I blended our families about 2 1/2 years ago, and there have been A LOT of growing pains along the way. I would call my approach to parenting mellow and somewhat democratic, while DH is a strict disciplinarian. In the beginning, it was hard for my children to adjust to the stricter rules in the house, while his children felt relief from my gentler approach. No Disney Dad here!
In my naivete, once we were all living together, I allowed DH to pull his then 2 1/2 yr-old out of daycare to stay @ home with me to save $$$, as I work from home. I also took over any & all drop/offs & pick-ups up to 45 minutes of driving each way! (FOOLISH, FOOLISH, NEWBIE STEPMOM!)
In addition, back then, SS17's BM was used to constantly rearranging the schedule & dumping SS on us on "her" w/ends. Well, since we arrange to have all 4 kids EOW & no kids EOW, we had to shut that down quick - and definitely have incurred some hostility from BM, but its well worth it to maintain our sanity & our relationship by having that time 2gether! (Her mother & sister live within 5 minutes from her - they can baby-sit!) SS17 can be very annoying (socially inappropriate, immature, etc) but he has a good heart, and as he SLOWLY matures, he becomes less & less disruptive.
Even though SS17 is the child with dx issues, it is SS5, him & his entire situation that makes me want to grab my BIOs & run! At 5, he wears diapers every night, does not know his ABCs, throws fits @ the dinner table constantly, is sick 50% of his life, whines constantly & does not strive for independence in ANY way, and is in therapy (and has been for over 6 months) to talk about his "bad feelings," part of which are due to BM's PAS. Although BM now lives in same town, she insists on sending him to a school 35 minutes away, which DH will not allow him to attend on our days (he pleaded with BM to put him in a local school so that he could attend 5 days a week and possibly be prepared for kindergarten, but she is more concerned with feeling like she chose/controls the school he attnds than what is in his best interest!) If this school is so special, he should know his ABCs after attending last school year!! When SS5 gets sick over here (which is CONSTANTLY,) I always text BM so she can make whatever arrangements are needed. I just get a sick kid dropped on my doorstep - never any warning - and have to scramble to rearrange my day. In addition, BM & SD are rude and hard to deal with.
I AM JUST SO OVER IT! This child is lacking in personality in the first place, but adding to that all of the BS he causes in my lfe, I DREAD any time he is here. I cannot stand dealing with BM or his SD, and I can barely stand him & his constant whining/illness/negative attitude. I also don't like the person I feel like I am when I am experiencing all of these negative feelings about a 5 year old, but there it is! I am at my wits end -- he comes back Monday, it is only Thursday, & I am already dreading it!!!! He has a hacking cough, and since each illness he has hangs on 4ever, I am sure it will ruin/cancel any plans I have for Mon/Tues when he is here. I just don't want to deal with him or his BM/SD anymore. EVER.
Wow. If you hung on for this long, thank you!!!! I feel a little better for venting.
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In our house, every child has
In our house, every child has to eat whatever meal is presented. (Especially since we often have 4 kids to serve!)
This approach has helped my DS enormously - he has gone from only eating Dinos. pizza & spaghetti, to eating roasted chix, steak, ham, basically whatever I serve. He doesn't always LOVE it, but he HAS grown to love many new foods in the last 2 1/2 years, & will generally eat whatever he is given.
SS5 is forced to follow the rule, and DH is SERIOUS about it - he will force feed if necessary. He is not a hearty eater AT ALL. The protein DH forces down his throat is the only protein besides peanut butter or cheese from mac n cheese the kid eats. BM has admitted that she does not press the eating issue - she felt it was too traumatic for SS.
Of course I think it is quite traumatic to be sick 24/7, but I am just a SM, so cares what I think?!
Wow, bitter much, right?!?
You so have my sympathy with
You so have my sympathy with the newbie step-mom mistakes. Been there, still doing that!
Has anyone looked in to why SS5 is always sick? I know that some illnesses can cause developmental delays even though it's not obvious that something is really wrong . . . Wetting the bed, not knowing ABC's and always sick are red flags to me . . . Since he is being shuffled between houses and a long distance part time school maybe something serious is being missed?
I have brought this up
I have brought this up numerous times to DH & BM.
My kids are not perfect - as a matter of fact, DS had major speech issues; he started speech therapy at age 3 & just "graduated" from it last year in 3rd grade. But I was able to recognize there was a problem & seek help by the time he was 2 1/2! And even then - he could recite the alphabet!!
SS5 is quite perceptive & actually has a very good vocabulary. I believe a lot of his issues stem from the lack of stability in his life, and BMs refusal to find a local school where he could receive consistent instruction/lessons. He is also treated like a baby when he is not here which I believe contributes to his lack of motivation to gain any independence. My children could certainly help themselves to a gogurt or a banana or a juice box @ that age - he is incapable of doing ANYTHING himself - even opening a car door.
I guess when he finally enters K, (he will be 6,) and he is unable to write or spell his name, BM & DH will be forced to deal with the situation.
I would tell your DH that you
I would tell your DH that you are unable to take care of SS5 any longer and other arrangements will need to be made. Tell him you are very concerned over his constant illnesses and how this is preventing him from attending school. How this is disrupting your work day.
You are not medically trained to deal with a constantly ill child and his mother and father need to step up to the plate to deal with it. If you worked away from home who would be taking care of the boy?
I do feel sorry for the child. He is a product of his own environment which was not of his making.
So tell his father that the days he is sick he will have to arrange to take the day off so you can work.
I bet you will feel more ambivilent towards the kid if you weren't feeling like you are being taken advantage of.
In theory, I totally agree
In theory, I totally agree with you.
In practice, that would end my marraige.
If I told DH he had to miss work when SS is sick, he would truly miss 3-4 days a month at a minimum - & probably lose his job! And DH would be so angry & resentful that he would be unbearable!
SS is home with me on all days he is here - 3 weekdays 1 week, 2 weekdays the next... We tried to have SS in a local school on our days, and BM's school on her days, but it was too hard for SS to adjust. And DH got the vibe the teachers didn't like SS - when we would pull up to get him, SS would just stand there & teachers would have to thrust him in the car - every other kid could just climb on in - & you could see it annoyed them. Typical behavior for SS - he just waits for others to do stuff for him, or cries and whines when forced to do something himself. Even now, he would prefer his fork be pre-loaded for him to eat @ dinner. I had to throw a fit to shut that down - enough is enough! He is 5!!!! And my DH has the nerve to complain that my DS is a messy eater - but that is a whole different issue.
OK. BREATHE!!!!
Then treat him like a baby.
Then treat him like a baby. No TV cos babies don't watch TV. Buy him some babyfood for meals. Applesauce gets old very quickly to kids. 2 naps a day cos babies have 2 naps a day.
He is getting the benefits of infanthood with the benefits of childhood. It is either one way or another.
But I still think you should mention to your husband he needs to take care of his son if he is still sick on Monday as you have an important project that needs completion. Or if it is his mother's parenting day, she has to stay home.
See, out of sight is out of mind. If your husband has to stay home and deal with his son all day he will get an idea of how babyish he really is. if he is seeing a few hours a day instead of long stretches he is probably dismissing his behaviour as being over tired rather than confronting the real issue.
At times, I do feel that way.
At times, I do feel that way. DH definitely takes advantage of me -- what I started doing out of love for him has become expected, not appreciated, which in turn has me feeling a lot of resentment, and perpetuates the negative feelings I have towards SKID(S). It is a vicious cycle!