What does disengagement look like?
I have no idea. I am way too emotionally invested but need to step WAAAAY back for my own sanity. I care about SD very much. I care for her more because she is literally part of my husband and I want to enjoy that with him, but him having a child also initiates more arguments than we need to have.
SD made a comment recently that I am like a big sister to her. I was braiding her wet hair for bed and so getting ready for school would be easy. I like to help her paint her nails and even do cool designs (I probably have 20+ polish colors and a lot of accessories). She said I don't have to yell at her to get my point across (even though I had to ask her 3 times to put her laundry away and 3 times to take out her trash). BM does none of that stuff for her and I know she likes it.
Like I said, I don't want to "disengage" but maybe I can do it where I am still "hands-on" when she's over and try to ignore when she's not? Thoughts? Thanks!
ETA: I have a feeling after the recent cell phone fiasco, BM will stop giving DH extra time or start the alienation again and convince SD that she doesn't need to spend extra time with us now that the phone is allowed at BM's.
I just know that if DH was a full-time dad, SD would be a much better kid. It's not fair that the family courts didn't see through BM's lies and minor alienation and I'll always hate her for that.
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I can't tell you what
I can't tell you what disengagement looks like, but I can tell you what it feels like: relief.
It's knowing what your role is and isn't, so you're able to distance yourself emotionally from other people's issues and responsibilities. For example, your H works in automotive repair. You don't meddle in his work, or try to fix cars for him, nor should you get overly involved in his parenting or interactions with his parenting partner. His stuff, your stuff, and the stuff you share, all separate. If you've overstepped, or allowed others to draw you into areas you don't belong, correct yourself and carry on. Take care of you, and then your marriage period, full stop. Parenting fails, ex drama - these are not your concerns.
This ^^^.
This ^^^.
Being disengaged means your DH handles all parenting and BM. You simply support. Of course you can do all the fun things but when it comes to discipline or parenting decisions you step away. Give your opinion when asked but there is no need for arguments because at the end it is up to DH to decide and enforce.
Same with BM. Don't get caught up in her crazy. Its his responsibility to deal with her. No contact with her whatsoever. And if she tries simply refer her back to DH and block her.
However this only works if your DH is doing his job. He needs to understand that his kid has a mother and a father and you are not one of them. You are his wife, his support, but you CHOOSE to participate it is not mandatory.
Disengagement isn't the same
Disengagement isn't the same for everyone. At the core, it's saying "not my monkey, not my circus". In other words you don't get overly inserted into the care and feeding of a person you didn't create. For some people it means existing in the same home with a Skid without interracting with them at all.. including doing NOTHING for the kids at all and ignoring every aspect and not financially doing anything for the benefit of the child. For others it's playing a supporting role to their spouse and only doing something that involves the child when it is only being done for the benefit of the SO..(like picking up the child when your SO is working late or cooking dinner for the household).
In your case, it seems like you have a fairly decent relationship with the girl (girls are hard.. teen girls harder even bios..lol). Maybe disengagement for you is to accept that not every benefit you provide to the child is going to be thankfully acknowleged? But, it's also only doing things with and for her when YOU feel you want to. It also may be letting go of the drama that occurs when she is with her mother. It's also helpful to understand that the girl is herself in the middle of this dynamic and that it's hard for her as well and she is likely going to try to align with whoever can give her the most "benefit" at the moment.
So, perhaps trying to not take things personally would be a good start and let the time at the other house just "go" in your mind. Do what you are comfortable with doing freely in your own home... but understand that a stepkid is almost always going to have loyalty to their mother.. no matter how crappy she is. It's a sad but true fact of life in stepland.
A million thank yous!
The biggest thing for me is not letting the drama fill my head space. I realize that I have a DH problem and that I probably can't change his parenting now. He doesn't pay attention to things like SD leaving her dirty dishes on the table after she's finished, black gunk in the bathroom sink from SD and her friend (face masks), or that her room is overflowing with trash.
He also doesn't notice when I confront SD about her bad behavior. I truly believe his head will always be in the sand. Frustrating.
I will continue to separate myself and enjoy my own life as much as I can. Being a stepparent is a thankless job and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.... Ok, well, I admit I wish BM was a SM dealing with a BM like herself. A girl can dream.