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Does it ever get better if daddy never says no?

hopeforchange's picture

Submitted by hopeforchange on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 8:28am

Hi I’m irritated and washed out and it says this is the place where stepparents come to vent. My fiancé has a five year old little princess and a 13 year old spoiled brat. He can never muster up the simple word no. If we go to a store and little princess wants candy daddy buys it. If I'm watching television and she throws a tantrum daddy carries her into his room and turns on the television for her. If spoiled brat is in a mood daddy tries to figure out how he can make it better. If spoiled brat doesn't like dinner daddy goes out and buys McDonald’s. Once she asked daddy if he could take her to the store to spend her birthday gift card and when he got there he called and asked if I wanted anything. When they got home she storms off in a fit of despair over the fact that he offered to buy something for me but made her pay for her own things. Daddy opened his wallet and gave her a fifty and apologized for hurting her feelings.

I've tried pointing out to him that spoiling is not going to help them. My four year old understands when mommy says no its no and when he goes to his dad's house if daddy says no its no. My fiancé feels bad that they only get to see him every other weekend and he wants them to be happy and loving spending time with him. I get it but still don't think spoiling them and loving them are the same they need to know you love them even when you have to get harsh because if you spoil them the one time you say no they will pull away. He says he will change. I love him as a person and most days of the month it’s a smooth sailing ship but every weekend it’s their weekend to come on by I feel like ripping my hair out. I wonder if it ever gets better and if it’s possible for a man to change the way he has parented his kids for so long. I'm not asking that he throw them in the dungeon but just a no every once in a while would help. Just say no and mean it so they don't walk all over you for all time goodness gracious.

Comments

Skidmom1's picture

Submitted by Skidmom1 on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 8:34am

Unfortunately I don't think it ever changes. I'm dealing with it too as I am sure most of us are. I'm the bad guy if I want SD to be accountable for her actions. I'm trying to do what others say to do and is disengage. You will never win pointing something out to DH about their "angels". Most dads parent out of guilt. It's a wonder why they kids have so many issues!!

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 8:39am

He says he will change.

Sorry but doubt it. He will most likely go one of two ways.

1. Keep on keeping on doing the same disney dad routine and start resenting you for asking him to stop and pointing out the ridiculousness of his actions

2. Keep on keeping on doing the same disney dad routine and sneak around and do things behind your back so he doesn't have to hear you complain or make him feel bad.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but been there doing this crap right now and I resigned myself to the fact that the only "changing" there is going to be is MY address and marital status if I get to the point that I can't tolerate it any more... and honey I'm real close Sad

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 8:53am

He won't change. He might say he will, but he won't.

He will be afraid they won't like him, won't want to come over, won't talk to him anymore.

Even if he tries to change, it will be all your fault and they won't like you or him, won't want to come over, won't want to talk to him.

It's a lose, lose.

She's 13 and he's giving her a fifty because she was mad at having to use her birthday gift card? Which is why they went shopping, right? Can you imagine what he'll be forking over as she gets older? It will never stop and certainly will not get any cheaper.

amber3902's picture

Submitted by amber3902 on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 9:04am

Sorry, but he's not going to change. Or he'll change just long enough for you to forget. Then he'll go back to his old ways.

I dated a guy for two years that was like your fiance. I broke up with him because he would not change how he dealt with his son.

After I broke up with him he told me he was going to do better and start making his son mind, blah blah blah. Well, a few months later he invited us over for his son's birthday party. While at the party I saw exBF was still doing the same things, or rather, not doing anything when his son misbehaved.

HungryEyes's picture

Submitted by HungryEyes on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 9:05am

I would go insane if I were you. That's terrible parenting. The moment this became a habit - I would have left the relationship. They will never respect him or see him as anything but a door mat. He needs some counseling and kicked in the ass by some common sense. But yeah - he's too far gone. He won't change that.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 9:59am

... all hope is lost if your expectation is for this to "change"

and I should also point out that it's almost a lose lose situation (unless you are a much better and stronger person than I am) because let's say you just suck up the fact that this is not going to change and decide that you are going to let it go in hopes of saving your relationship. You will become resentful of both your BF and your SDs and it will fester and grow every time your BF and/or skids pulls one of their Disney Daddy/Princess stunts and these girls are only going to get worse because they have learned that their manipulation and demands work and who are you to question/dare say anything?

Does anyone really want to live like that? I know I don't unfortunately I married my DH 3 years before SD15 moved in with us and that was when my real life nightmare began. Sad

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 9:29am

To be blunt, you're getting an indicator of what your future will be like. Many of us didn't. Get out now while you still can.

amber3902's picture

Submitted by amber3902 on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 10:47am

I encourage you to strongly reconsider your relationship with this man. You should not be feeling irritated and washed out in a relationship.

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 11:27am

You will not only resent your BF, but you will resent the fact that you and your ex make your 4 year old behave, all the while skids are spoiled brats. Your child will grow up seeing this and wonder why these kids get away with what they get away with and your child doesn't. Your child will also resent the skids and your BF.

LaLaLaaa's picture

Submitted by LaLaLaaa on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 11:54am

Nope! Not gonna change as long as he gets them EOW. It just isn't...I have 13y old SD and just last night I was just observing...we were getting ready to watch a movie...and daddy went up to make popcorn...so once I got my share I said Thank uou Hun for making us All popcorn!!" Hoping she will say "thank you" as well...nope, she just sat there and gobbled down the popcorn. Then he got up to make more! Why didn't he tell her "Hey! Your turn to make us some!"...Oh yeah, princess can't be bothered! UGH! Other thing is we came up w a chore list, and he was all on board that she needs to be doing Something...few chores...So I made a nice scheldule etc and then paper stayed where I put it for few mths...he didn't even show it to her! So this morning I ripped it and left it on the table! Screw It! If him and his Ex don't want to teach her manners and how to do stuff around the house and be neat etc I don't care either! I use to think "well since BM doesn't seem to be teaching her anything its OUT job to do it" well I don't think that anymore! I don't care! She has her parents and if they don't care that's fine w me...ugh, sorry I just vented on here...But bottom line is, no it will not change! Its like these men have these Pink rainbow glasses when they look at their kids...they can do no wrong!

LuckyGirl's picture

Submitted by LuckyGirl on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 3:30pm

Those kids don't have a father. The momento your FDH made the choice to be their "friend", rather than their father, he effectively orphaned them.
You need to be very clear-sighted and very honest with yourself as to what you can and cannot live with. If you split, heartbreak does eventually heal, and a few years down the line your life will be different. If you stay and nothing changes, you will end up angry and resentful and perhaps wishing you had chosen another path. Good luck whatever you decide.

standmyground's picture

Submitted by standmyground on Thu, 01/17/2019 - 12:20am

I don't think it gets better. Spoilt enabled brats don't change. If she is little narccisist you have to explain how her behaviour will effect her for the worst as she wont care if it will affect anyone else. To be raised to think that just because someone else gets something, you haveto have something as well has to be stamped out at 2-4 years old! . You sound nice. You can do better.