Who is responsible for ss's copays?
Ok- so as many of you know ss14 lives with mil. Unofficially. Dh told me he offered her guardianship an she refused. Mil receives a portion of dh's disability check for ss each month (the same amount bm received when she had custody). Dh also maintains medical/ dental insurance on ss. Bm contributes nothing. So yesterday we get a bill from the doctor for ss. She has taken him to the dr two months Ina row and they are charging us the copays. This was his doctor while he lived with us so they have our info. As far as I know my mil is not listed as someone who can receive medical info about ss14. So the fact that she is taking him, having him treated without our knowledge and then sticking us with the copays is somewhat bothersome to me.
The last time he lived there she took him somewhere else and she paid the copays.
I don't feel like paying the copays obviously. It's not like they are a huge amount, but I don't want to set a precedent here in which my mil takes him for medical whenever she wishes, doesn't notify anyone, and sends us the bill. Months ago she said something about ss needing braces- now- dh and I are the only ones who have ever taken the kid to the dentist- never has any one ever suggested he need braces but here aim wondering if she wil try and slap some braces on him and send us the bill.
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I think you and your husband
I think you and your husband should be informed about all medical issues, including dental. I also think it is your husbands responsibility to pay any copays. After all, his mother is caring for his son.
Shouldn't even be a question. It should just be done.
She should be letting you
She should be letting you know what's going on with him so it's not a surprise. Who would pay Co pays if he was with BM?
Well, I happen to think your
Well, I happen to think your DH should be supporting his son while his grandmother raises him. HE isn't providing support, the government is.
If you wrote that DH pays $X for support each month, I'd be less inclined to say he needs to pay it. But WHY do you think GM should pay it? That's not her child. She's raising him because neither of his parents will do it.
And at 14, he's kinda late getting braces...
My dh is supporting his son.
My dh is supporting his son. I think perhaps we've had this discussion before? When you are willing to risk your life for that United States government- then I might consider your opinion. His money was earned- not a handout.
If ss was with bm shed pay the copay, if he was with us we'd pay the copay- per co- the person he lives with and who receives the money to care for him pays copays up to like 500.00 and then it's split.
It's not the money- it's the fact hat she takes him to the dr without dh's knowledge or consent. The bill being sent to us adds injury to insult.
We may have had this
We may have had this conversation...but receiving a government check is NOT supporting your child, imo.
Think about a child whose parent has died and receives a SS check. The parent "earned" that SS money (as opposed to welfare) but that parent is NOT supporting the child.
The check is coming from a government entitlement program.
IMO, your DH should be paying, from HIS money (which likely also comes from the government) to support HIS son. Your MIL is bearing the full and total financial cost of raising a child that is NOT hers. Plain and simple.
I'd be so offended if I'm supporting and raising my grandchild and their parent (my child) is haggling about a damn copay.
Look, if your DH wants full decision making for medical, then he should be raising his own damn kid. But YOU don't want him there, so he's outsourced.
Pay the damn copay. Pay whatever this woman needs to raise her grandchild. Tell DH he still needs to be a FATHER...even if he doesn't want his own kid in his home.
I guarantee you that my mil
I guarantee you that my mil is not paying one single dime of her money to support my ss- in fact i am sure she has leftovers for the rest of her household.
As fas as your example of the deceased parent- actually that parent IS supporting that child through funds that they already paid in over the course of their working career. And basically, you are saying that there is NO possible way for my dh to support his son as ALL his money comes from the govt. If the payment that gets sent there doesn't count as his support I guess none of the rest of it would either?
As far as dh "haggling"- he's not haggled over anything and I'm not sure where you got that he was. In fact I specifically sai "I" was not wanting to pay it. My dh has always supported his son his entire life- although now you are saying that it doesn't count and in face he will never be able to support him again, in your eyes, since his money comes from the government.
It really makes me understand why the military are so bitter- they risk their lives for you and then there is some sort of implication here that they are receiving some sort of govt handout. Again, lady, do his job and then come talk to me about how he didn't earn this money.
As far as raising his own damn kid, he is 100 per cent disabled lady- do you honestly not get that? It makes it really really hard for him to raise a child on his own. My ss14 can not live in this home due to many many reasons such as stealing my daughters underwear, threatening to kill my dear son, stealing, using drugs, and every day bullying of both a physical and emotional nature to my children. It wasn't hat the kid inconvenienced me or Ii was just a nasty sm-the kid poses a threat to my children and I have to look out after them because It is my job.
Never said we weren't going to pay the copay, never even said dh said anything about it (which he did not he literally said nothing when it came in the mail)- what I was looking for more was a legal answer. Mil essentially has assumed custody- dh makes no decisions whatsoever and is informed about nothing. Ever. Typically, the party that receives support is the one that pays copays-part of what they use the support for? Just because this is my mil and not the bm is not really the issue. By the way ss could have gone back to bm's- my mil wanted him and he wanted to go there. The bm was of the thought that if at 14 years of age this oppositional defiant kid didn't want to be there then it probably wasn't going to work. That and she has other children that ss has also placed at harm.
I never told dh it was me or him. He knew he was not capable of raising ss. He also knew that ss blatantly refused to respect me as an authority. So there were not a whole lot of options here.
I think OP basically told her
I think OP basically told her DH he had to choose...her or his son. And the son went. I'd have to double check past blogs to be sure...
actually, at this point dh
actually, at this point dh has zero communication with mil. She refuses to speak to him since he "got sil arrested". Thanks for standing up for me StepAside. It is a complicated issue. I too think it was a passive aggressive dig. It's not the money-as the bill was 18.00. I would definitely pay 18.00 to keep the skid out of my house.
I will say that right now I am happier than I've been in a long time. Dh does not communicate with anyone in his family now. It's sad that it took so much for him to see how stinking dysfunctional they are, but I do believe he finally gets it. SS no longer speaks to dh either-puts a whole new spin on PAS. So I am glad all this happened-Im glad sil stole from us, I'm glad that mil is such a bitch about ss (she was withholding info from him prior to getting mad at him too)so now he is finally able to face the truth that he's tried to hide from all these years.
He seems much happier as well. No crazy behaviors, we've just got some peace and quiet going here and we are loving it. This whole copay was not really an issue for him (Im quite sure he's forgotten about it by now)but it bugged me as it is just an example of how the MIL does whatever she wants as well.
I agree about the foster care-but you cant just call up and put your kid in foster care it doesnt work that way. We did look into residential placements-to the tune of 30,000 a year. My mil choose to take him. Dh did not call up and even ask her to take him-he just told ss that we were going to have to look into other options for living arrangments-SS himself chose to call mil and ask to move there as he apparently found that the best option out of the ones dh presented (residential, bm's, other various relatives, and oh, the option of listening, following rules, having respect for others and staying in our home) If my mil decides at some point she no longer wants ss-dh will take him to bm's and drop him off. He is 14.5 years old-he has a 1.5 years to go before he can go someplace like Job Corps. He will not graduate hish school. He has 5 classes. He failed 3 of them this grading period. All required courses.
I too think bm should pay, but dh sort of feels like his hands are tied. He has offered to pay an attorney and do a formal guardianship for mil but she refused! He cannot really take bm to court and ask her to pay cs-since the kid doesnt live here.
I was also curious about the legality of all this. How can a noncustodial adult take a child to a physician, medical provider and authorize treatment? In fact, I would think even discussing treatment with the mil would break HIPPA rules. The 18.00 is not worth fighting over certainly-but if she wanted to slap some braces on him for the tune of thousands of dollars without dh's authorization I'd see that as an issue.Not that I even think she would because taking him to an ortho would requrie some effort-consistent effort-on her part which I dont really think my mil is willing to put forth.