Making amends...
So there is something I want my dh to do but have not approached him with just yet. Wondering if others think it is acceptable.
As many know we have tons of inlaw drama, ss drama. In both of these situations these other people have targeted me as the scapegoat and have been quite forthcoming in their blame towards me. Dh, growing up in an environment in which the victim is always blamed, and the perpetrators protected, has joined in over the years and made me the scapegoat. As inlaws spewed hateful things about me, dh did not step in to defend me, but rather said nothing, tried to "explain" my actions, or actually joined in depending on his feelings at the time. While I understand the dynamics of why he did such a thing, I also feel horribly betrayed. This is not occurring any longer and has not for probably about 9 months-as they did the same thing to my dh that theyve spent years doing to me-blamed the victim, and protected the perp.
Dh has of course since apologized, essentially eliminated all contact with inlaws, doesnt visit with ss-would speak to him if ss was inclined but he is not so dh doesnt pursue this-BUT what I want him to do is defend me. Not only ME, but also our children-meaning our joint bio and my two bios that he has raised since 1 and 2 years of age. As I found out over the last year, that there blame and dislike is not only about me-but they actually feel that way about my children and have talked about them and said hateful things.
I want him to contact these people, how is unimportant, and simply say-I put up with inappropriate behavior for many years. You disrespected my wife-which also disrespected me. I allowed it and I shouldnt have. You've also disrespected my children, blah, blah, blah. I dont really care exactly what he says, but just something to the effect that essentially they are assholes for the way they treated me for years, he himself was wrong to put up with it, and I'm awesome. I have no delusions that this will change anything with them, make them see the light, make them feel guilty or any such sort of thing-this is solely for me-to make me feel better and help wipe the slate clean with dh. Do you think this is an appropriate thing to ask for? i do believe if I ask he will be willing to do it.
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Oh my. HMAO…I understand how
Oh my. HMAO…I understand how you feel. But I truly think you should let this go. I would be afraid of opening just more drama and crap. If things are going good without them in the picture, then don’t invite them back. And I think that is what will happen.
Let this sleeping dog lay. At least until SS is an adult.
No, sorry, definitely think
No, sorry, definitely think this is a bad idea. If it were me, I would be happy if DH admitted to me that they had behaved like knob-heads.
Knowing a bit about the people involved, they would never admit they had done wrong, and it might escalate hostilites, - with bad repercussion for your family.
I totally understand how you
I totally understand how you feel. Essentially you walked into a situation where you were treated poorly, and for what? Perhaps they were jealous & that brought out the ugly in them!!
Your DH didnt defend you & your children like he ought to have. I totally get how that betrayal has hurt you. My MIL & SIL and I have gone thru a tiny bit if that too. It was pure jealousy really. We are good now, but I flat out told DH if he didnt step in with them, Id be gone. DH did step in & heck yes. It Did feel good to know he had my back & set them straight in some crap BM was putting in their heads. They no longer converse with BM after they saw her texts to me. They knew them getting involved was not a bright move on their part, & I did receive apologies from them.
I think what you may be searching for is some closure? I totally get that. I dont think it wrong of you to ask your DH to make his allegence with you know to all of them. I think it would actually help you release your pent up hurt & make you feel stronger in your bond with DH! Go for it!!
However, go into it knowing youll probably never hear them utter an apology of course. But thats not really what your seeking anyways. A wife Needs to know their Husband will protect them!!! & people respect Men who do!!
I think that often silence is
I think that often silence is golden and DHs lack of communication with inlaws may send them the message that they aren't people he cares to have in his life.
About their relationship with your kids, their feelings aside, they should be appalled that they treated (emphasis on "treated") them like that. My stepdad has 4 kids I grew up with. His parents didn't love me or care about me the same way they did his kids. They knew it, my stepdad knew it, my mom knew it, and so did I. We were all ok with it. And I didn't expect them to love or like me. But they were always polite and nice to me. My stepfather never would have stood for their treating me like dirt.
I don't see any letter from DH persuading these people to wake up and smell the coffee. If anything, it may give them more material to bully you with. If DH sent that letter, surely SS would know about it and give your DD grief over it at school. He seems like the type of person to do that.
I understand you feeling the
I understand you feeling the way you do. I have felt the same way before in that I don't care if it solves anything, the principle of the matter is what I care about. My partner should support me and I think you want the last thing the in-laws remember is that your DH supported you. Just for your own emotional well-being and happiness.
If he can't it wouldn't be the end of the world so long as you know he feels he was wrong and won't do it again, but it would improve things dramatically if he would do that small favor for you.
Sometimes you can't help how you feel and if it would eat away at you to know that he never righted his wrong then I support asking him to do so and explaining why. Even if it makes the in-laws angry or erupt for a bit that is a small negative that doesn't come close to outweighing the positive of how much better it would be for you and your DH if he fixed what he did wrong. My opinion is: Whatever it takes to get over it is whatever it takes. Some people have a harder time forgiving than others. If they can do so without amends being made and just words being said great. If they can't that's just how they are.
It isn't about the in-laws anymore. It is about relationships and honor and respect.
BAD IDEA. I too am the victim
BAD IDEA. I too am the victim of tons of INLAW hate. My DH, like yours, also let his family trash talk me to everyone who would listen and he never came to my defense. When he finally DID decide to step in, it was too late, the damage had been done and the relationship was unrepairable. We have not had any contact with the in-laws for 3 years. I am so happy these people are out of our lives and I want nothing to do with them.
If I were you, I would thank the heavens for the NO CONTACT and leave things be.
Believe me, I understand
Believe me, I understand where you are coming from. It is a horrible betrayl! No parent should ever subject their child (your dh) to but it happens. But I think it's best to just let it go, as hard as it is. They aren't worth it. No need to allow these wretched people to occupy any more space in your heart, head, or soul. Moving on is the best revenge.
Let it go. I understand, I
Let it go. I understand, I would love to go off on my IL's for the way I have been treated as the scapegoat for SD. But, it would serve no purpose other than frustrating me again. They feel they have done nothing wrong and I can't change that.
Let it go for yourself. You don't need that heartache...
Now, understand I would
Now, understand I would expect no positive reaction from them. Heck I wouldn't even want that at this point. I also don't feel as if he has to speak to them, a letter would suffice. I don't care whether it makes them angry or not- I truly am not sure what else they COULD do. Fil does try and call dh sometimes. Dh doesn't respond- but maybe this would make it clear? He did speak to mil a few weeks ago because he needed some info. She speaks to him as if nothing is wrong. That I do not like. My intention is not to stir up more trouvble, but rather for dh to help me wipe the slate clean.
It feels like a huge betrayal to me and for me this would help repair it. I get that his allegiance is obviously with me- he's here and not speaking to them, but I'd like the gesture I guess? Any other ideas on other substitute ways to handle this if you all think this is not a good idea?
I think if something does
I think if something does come up, yes. But just out of the blue is borrowing trouble.
I think time wounds all heels!! They know what they did to you and yours, and so does everyone. That alone will keep them away, thank God!!
It almost seems like if DH would even say those things just to you!! that would fill your need. I think he is so beat down though, it would never occur to him to do that. You may have to tell him exactly what he needs to say to you, then let that be the end of it.
Hugs!!