Another 'I'm DONE" text from BM
This has been going on for a few months now. It started off slowly, maybe once a month and now it's every week. BM sends texts to FH saying "That's it, I'm DONE! SS has to come live with you". This last weekend we had SS here and FH told him that they were going to pack his stuff up and move him in with us on Sunday and he would be living with us full time (because BM insisted she can't handle SS anymore). Of course, Sunday rolls around and BM is texting and calling like crazy "You're not taking my baby from me" "NO WAY is Happyhippos playing MOM to MY SON!" etc...
FH just received another one of these texts. We already know that if any action is taken BM will say she only said what she did because she was upset. BUT, things are getting completely out of control now. SS KNOWS that his mom keeps saying that FH needs to "take him". SS already has respect issues with his mom and I think she is just making it worse. BM is a total PASer and SS KNOWS that what BM says about his Dad and I are not true. SS loves his dad and has no problems with me. SS told FH once that I am nicer to him than his mom is! Broke my heart and made me feel good at the same time - I don't want to take his moms place or anything I just want him to have a loving, stable home without the drama, yelling, screaming, name calling, pushing, hitting, etc that goes on at his moms house.
So, before I get started on more of a rant about BM - my purpose for writing this blog is this - IF on the off chance that BM was actually serious about letting FH move SS in full time and register him for school near our house...isn't this going to violate the CO saying that she is the CP? FH is paying CS, it's being taken automatically from his paycheck just to make things easier - obviously he wouldn't want to pay her CS if SS lives with us. Shouldn't they go through the court before they move SS in?? I am soooooo afraid of what BM is gonna pull if SS comes to stay with us. She is a lying, conniving, sneaky nasty bitch that would do anything to hurt FH especially if bm gets what she wants. I honestly think that if SS moves in with us in the heat of the moment when BM says she cant handle him anymore that BM will do something to get DH into trouble.
How do we handle this the correct way??
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Through a lawyer. Or if you
Through a lawyer. Or if you feel he is being abused, contact CPS.
She tells SS that he will be shipped off to his father. The desired result is for SS to beg and plead to stay with his mother so she feels the RightParent and the Better Parent.
Unfortunately the boy isn't playing the game correctly. He is saying "Sure, OK. I like it at Dads better anyway."
I know of cases where the CS contiues to be paid until the case is heard in court (which could be months) and then the CS is not back dated and the previous CP gets to keep it all.
I don't know how tight money is for your guys but I wouldn't give her another red cent she is not entitled to. As the CS is part of a legal document you have to keep paying it whether the boy lives with you or not. I hate to tell you this but I doubt she will follow through and lose the CS>
I seriously, SERIOUSLY doubt
I seriously, SERIOUSLY doubt that she will do anything that will make her lose that CS check. She truly does need it to live off of because she has 3 children, 3 dads, only 2 paying CS and she has no job or car. She NEEDS that CS and I just don't think she will let her son go that easily. If for no other reason - she HATES me and deep down I KNOW she knows she hates me no reason other than jealousy.
But, FH and I really do want SS to live with us. We know it would be better for everyone and since ss is 12 we hope that maybe the relationship between SS and his mom can be salvaged with a little distance between them. FH just finally said out loud - maybe its time to think about fighting her for custody. I don't think it will be easy and if BM was actually mad enough to let us move him in a feel like we should take advantage of it. But my gut tells me if its too good to be true it probably is. I also know that once a lawyer is involved BM is gonna be on the defensive and go back into "you're not taking my baby" mode. This weekend is going to SUCK.
Maybe your FH could start by
Maybe your FH could start by offering to let SS stay an extra night. Just so she gets a good break of course seeing he is being such a shit. Then as the monhs go on he stays a few more hours which turn into days. For instance you pick him up Fri night instead of Sat mng and the next week he goes back at 8pm Sunday instead of 5pm. It stays lik this for a few weeks then offer to get him after school on Friday. Slowly drag it out. Once she manages to get herself into a position where you 2 are caring for him more than she is then you take her to court and ask for full custody and no CS.
The secret is for you to keep waaaay out of the picture. Even if you were a legal SM you have no say. So let this work out in its own way. I suspect the boy needs his father more than his mother right now. I kow my son did. That is why I let him stay with his father for 4 years.
BM is VOLATILE to say the
BM is VOLATILE to say the least. The minute we move him in she will be demanding that he be brought home. I just know it. This is going to be so messy. If we try to move him in this weekend...IF BM really goes through with it...I give it a WEEK before she goes even more nuts than she already is. Thats going to be even worse for SS. I have got to talk to FH about seeing a lawyer SOONER than later. We just discussed the possibility of a custody battle and I've been looking for advice as to how to proceed. (different blog) If BM would just give SS up without a fight (I sooo doubt that) it would make everything so much easier.
I think it's the same in FL -
I think it's the same in FL - they always side with the mother. We have just started conversations about documentation - FH has nothing documented right now and with SS NOT wanting to move in with FH full time not much will be working in our favor in the court system.
As the Child Support office
As the Child Support office told me here in Idaho... It takes a court order to change a court order. Go to Court... Take your documentation of her sending these texts and go.
Before we went to court for
Before we went to court for custody of my SS, DH and BM worked out a temporary agreement to have SS stay with us for several months as a trial run. Well, BM backed out at the last minute and wouldn't allow SS to come but I thought it was a good idea. Do you think BM would agree to give it a try for a week? It's short (non-threatening) and maybe BM will enjoy the peace and quiet so much she'll let him stay. If only it were this easy, right?
DH needs to hire a lawyer. ASAP.
My BM got like this - constantly complaining that she couldn't handle SS anymore and begging us to take him. While she continued to stall in agreeing to give DH custody without a fight she was busy plotting to find places to get rid of her kid and ended up shipping him off to bootcamp without DH's consent. If your BM is capable of crazy like this, then I think you need to get custody of SS as soon as you can.
JASM, again thank you for all
JASM, again thank you for all the advice. I'm having a long talk with FH tonight about all of this. I think the idea of trying it out for a week would be great - IF FH & BM can work something out with getting him to school. SS school is about an hour drive from us and FH works 2nd shift making his hours a bit hard to work around. I would offer to take SS to school but I don't think any of us can get off work early to pick SS up from school and BM can't even make sure SS gets home from school NOW while he lives with her. NO WAY is BM going to let me take SS to school - she hates me waaay too much. SS can't miss anymore school; he's already missed 7 days because BM is irresponsible.
She's crazy. I don't trust her and don't know what she might do. You are right though - FH NEEDS to get a lawyer and then I am stepping out of the way and will see what happens.
That's how we got the 2 kids,
That's how we got the 2 kids, BM said she couldn't take it anymore begged us to get them. Only difference we have no CO as DH and Sybil were never married. He made her sign a notarized statement that they would be with us this year, in case she tried to pull something. Good luck, and get to court. As soon as I convince DH better now than later, we'll be filing for custody.
The best thing to do is get
The best thing to do is get documentation via email to prove the conversations are occurring. If SS moves in with you all, then your DH will need to go to the court to get the custody order updated as well as through the child support folks to get that switched around. If you have custody of him, she should be paying DH, not DH paying her.
In addition, the kid is 12, so he can say where he wants to live without much contest from the court. He probably needs to get in front of a judge. And if BM does try any crazy shit, DH needs to push for her to have a psych evaluation due to her constant change in moods and thoughts.
Good luck.
Problem #1: SS12 has NO
Problem #1: SS12 has NO rules to follow at home. He comes and goes as he pleases and does whatever he wants. He does NOT want to leave his friends. He has serious behaviour problems at home with his mom but not with FH because FH disciplines him. SS does NOT want to move in with FH.
Problem#2: BM can't pay FH CS. She has no job and can't pay the bills she has now. BM also will NOT give up CS paid to her without a HUGE fight.
I am just now getting through to FH about documenting everything and getting a lawyer and goign through the courts. However, for this weekend - If BM still really wants FH to take SS he will and I'm afraid that all HELL is going to break loose within days of taking SS from BM without going to court FIRST. BUT, I'm afraid of what will happen between BM and SS if FH does NOT take SS to stay this weekend BEFORE going to court.
The actual text from BM: "SS
The actual text from BM:
"SS goin w u on sunday to stay. Im done. He swung at sister 4 nutn just cuz she wantd 2 look 4 a shirt so i smackd him and he startd his screamin shit and pushd me"
BM treats every situation as though she is a child. She gets angry and screams to be heard and now thats how her son reacts to HER.
BM gets angry and HITS rather than talk. Maybe not a full blown punch or slap, just a smack upside the head but that absolutely sets off SS and he physically pushes her away from him.
And what do you think happened after the altercation was over? SS stomped to his room, slammed the door and either a)talked on his cell phone b)wathced TV/DVDS c)played video games for the rest of the night (since he has no set bedtime)
There is NO punishment. NO consequences. Tomorrow everything will have cooled off (most likely) and it will all start all over again on Monday.
BM thinks there is nothing wrong with her parenting. Its OK to scream and yell and push her son and she expects him to be reasonable and respectful to her. SS is 12 with a temper and she pushed his buttons. She wants DH to fix everything but SHE won't change her ways. DH isn't there during the week. SS is fine at our home.
I am feeling defeated already. I think a custody battle will will never work in DH's favor as long as SS wants to stay where he is.
I stand on the sidelines. I vent and ask questions here. But as far as the situation goes - i don't exist. I don't speak to BM. I Don't talk about the issues with SS. I just pass along advice from Step talk to FH.
I agree, its crazy! I feel
I agree, its crazy! I feel shocked that this is the kind of stuff that's become the norm over at BM's house. But of course, tonight SS was picked up and there was NO mention of him coming to stay. He's being dropped off at his Mom's Monday. I had a looong talk with FH and MIL (just so everyone is on the same page since I don't have any contact with BM) and we agree FH needs to STOP jumping in to discipline SS for things that occur at his mothers. If it has nothing to do with SS's health or school, etc...then FH doesn't need to be there to tell BM how to "handle" her son. Let her continue to send her texts...we're officially starting to document!
I would agree with trying to
I would agree with trying to get him on a short "trial" basis or extending the visitations you already have.
But if she is so on again/off again, you WILL have to get a CO to change custody. Even if she willingly lets him go, she's liable to want him back again at the drop of a hat. Especially for the CS.
If she doesn't have a job, etc. the court may not ask that she pay CS if she is the NCP, or may set a very low amount.
But I had a friend who got his son because BM "couldn't take it anymore!" and he didn't want to go to court because he was afraid of rocking the boat. SO, although he ended up having his son living with him, he STILL paid BM the CS AND she had complete, total, utter control over him since he was REALLY willing to jump through hoops to keep BM happy. This lasted for about 2 years until BM decided she wanted the child back. There was nothing he could do since CO stated she WAS the CP. It was devastating for my friend.
I can totally see what
I can totally see what happened to your friend happening in this situation. I see it all too clearly.
I really wish that FH could have a calm, rational conversation about a legal way they can all agree on whats best for SS. BM isn't capable of having a rational conversation. She is too threatened by lossing the money and by my presence in her Ex husbands life.
I am going to urge FH to talk over the idea extended visitations with BM. I agree, its less threatening. But the school situation is a serious problem if he will be with us outside of weekends.
I wish that BM could see that
I wish that BM could see that the bipolaar episodes of "You take him" and then "No, He's mine" back and forth is just hurting SS. He's 12, he's not too young to understand exactly whats going on!
And you're right - one trip to the school with proof that FH is violating the CO is never going to get us anywhere closer to getting ss full time.
Our BM threatened this many
Our BM threatened this many times as a 'punishment' for SD19 through the years. It would always become manageable when she realized, again! if SD lived with us, we would no longer pay child support.
She hinted at us still paying and DH laughed! oh yes, its 'for the good of the child'!
We would not let her send SD without signing over custody to DH. She never would. She always managed to 'work it out with SD'. Cha ching!!
Soooo sad that she only sees
Soooo sad that she only sees the $$$$$$$.