Something sort of similar happened to us. DH and BM divorced when SD was 2, BM and DH had 50/50 custody with no CS BUT DH was ordered to pay for SD's daycare and medical insurance, plus he paid for her private school, so a lot of money out of pocket for him despite the fact that they had equal incomes.

DH and I married when SD was 8, 50/50 custody continued until SD was 11 and BM decided to move an hour away. Mediation resolved in DH's favor and poof, we became custodial parents to SD11. DH did not ask for CS, so we had ALL her expenses on our backs. It can happen.

My DW was the CP from the day SS-21 was born when she was 16. We never had to deal with the surprise here is the kid you take him activities.

I was 99% sure my DH would never end up with custody of SD22 (I started dating him when she was 5). Her BM would not part with the CS, the tax credit, nor the power she thought she held. Fine by me.

There was a part of me that thought SD would want to come and live with us when she became a teenager and I was ok with that, but BM had poisoned her mind by that time so I skated.

Unfortunately, you have a lot of years to worry about it!

I was 99.999 percent sure that SS would NEVER live with DH. He was/is BM's BFF. BM loves money. BM's identity is all wrapped up in who SS is. BM was/is a control freak and love having DH on that BM leash.

But even with all of that I would not marry/live with DH for many years..there is always a chance no matter how slim.

Then SS turned 15 and moved away with BM so I thought I was safe and DH and I ran out and got married. Within 6 months...BM sent SS to live with us. AND PAID CS!!!! It was a terrible few years.

Never say never. lol

My DH and I got full custody of SD 1 year after we married. She was 13 or 14 I think. It wasn't easy... there were plenty of adjustments. We waited a full year to go after Child Support and got that as well.

In the end, I think it was the best thing to happen - especially for SD. I know a lot of posters don't agree with how I handled SD - I became her mom for all intensive purposes... but in the end it worked out great. I was a parent and didn't take no for an answer from anyone. But I also had full support from my DH on that...

Think of it this way... You will actually have a chance to parent this girl. The stuff that drives you crazy - you could have a chance of straightening out. You could help raise this kid in a way that is good for your DH and you and her.

If I had to do it all again, I think I would have tried for SD sooner - instead of when she was older. But it was just the way everything played out.

If your husband is thinking that, and you feel you could handle it - I'd go for it. Get the kid, and go after CS and don't let BM slide on anything. We didn't ...

Best of luck to you...

PS - Generally - I am not positive it is the SKIDS that most stepparents have issues with - it's the parents' effects on the skids, or the way that the skids become like the ex... I know that's what still to this day drives me crazy about my SD. It's when she is most like her bio-mom. And she is... even though DH and I raised her... there is still nature in there! That's why I posted my comment... I was thinking that maybe your life wouldn't be as miserable as you think.... maybe you would be surprised. I was - I was scared of becoming a full time mom and I had to give up my career for a few years to make it happen... And you know what? I wouldn't change any of it... So... I'm hoping if it happens for you - it's better than you think!!

Thankfully skid lives with BM, and has been blowing DH off since last April. As much as I hate the brat and bitch getting 920.00 a month in CS from DH I would rather pay that ANY day then get stuck with a kid I can't stand!

I honestly don't know how long DH and I would last if I had to live with that kid in my home 24/7...love just isn't enough for me if I am going to be stuck 24/7 with a brat I can't get rid of. I refuse to be miserable in my own home, so I would definitely consider ending it if that were the case.

Yes, we got custody of SDs, because BM was allowing her kids to be abused by her pedophile boyfriends.

We did have to get CPS involved, and DH had to take the kids to the hospital to get examined, and talk with police. It was every parent's nightmare for him.

I thought it would never happen … that a court would never take the skids from their mother, who was not a druggie or abuser.

Never. Say. Never.

SS became old enough to say what he wanted and got the balls to speak out against his mother. Exposed her for her hoarding, neglect and mental abuse.

They live here 24/7 and sometimes refuse some of their whole 10 hours a week visitation.

You would think skids would show some appreciation for the clean, food-filled pleasant house I have mostly provided for them. NOPE.

They have started to see a counselor with their mother. She admits nothing. Kids hate going. I don't think anything is going to change.

In the meantime. DH is soooo guilty that his poor kiddies had to live like that, he is spoiling the hell out of them.

LIving with them now is a nightmare.

It happened to me. SD is almost 6 and I have been with DH since she was 1. They had 50/50 (started as every other DAY, then everyone realized that was nonsense & it changed to every other WEEK) for a long time, then over the years it progressively got worse with BM not taking SD when she is supposed to. Then this past August, we got her full time. It still isn't legal because DH is too much of a bitch to take BM to court, but nevertheless we have SD physically in our home almost all the time. BM takes her sometimes on the weekend but it's usually just for Saturday when it does happen. That's it. No breaks and certainly no CS.

I hope it does not happen to you but it seems to be a pattern here on StepTalk.

Coming in super late: our BM told SD-then-15 that she would rather go bankrupt than see SD go live with her dad. What did she do less than two years later? Call up DH and tell him she "can't handle our daughter" and he needs to take her.

BM pays no CS, and is certainly not contributing to any college costs despite her demands that SD go immediately to a four-year university n and join a sorority.

WTG, BM, dumping your kid on her father just as she gets expensive. DH had better keep her away from me, as I will not hesitate to call her trash.

DH got primary custody when SD was 10. BM decided to move 800 miles away & did not want to go to court so she left her here (then lied & told SD that she fought tooth & nail n court & lost).