Need good wishes
you can wish on me and I can dig up from whatever reserves I have. We have asked to change the parenting plan to increase our time with the kids; the settlement says that "all parties recognize that it is in the best interests of the kids to spend more time with their dad and that time with dad should increase in the future", basically as his circumstances become more stable.
BM was at the time stay at home and he was driving toward partnership in his business, so a 25%/75% split made sense, with DH getting mostly weekends, paying through the nose for child support and alimony, and this with her total agreement and full support for changing it in the future. Now, she is working full time (at her choice, to "develop a life other than being a mom") and he is a partner with a flex schedule. Both DH and BM are remarried. Both provide loving, stable homes committed to quality of life for kids.
DH wants to be more involved with the kids' schoolwork, friends and day to day life, and not just be a weekend "dad", wants to be responsible for soccer practice (which he's been going to on "her" days anyway), music lessons, homework, playdates. In fact, my skids (SD 7 and SS almost 9) have started asking, unprompted, about why can't they come here on weekdays sometimes, why can't I take them to school sometimes , why can't we have playdates on weekdays here? We try to be involved with the kids, we do homework with them on weekends and make up lessons so we can learn together, we go to their plays and practices and games, sitting nicely with BM and her whole family, go to joint bday parties, coordinate schedules nicely, we do the whole thing right!!!! DH wants to have the kids sleeping here more, just to hear them breathing, he loves them SOOOOOO much. It makes me cry.
After much thought, DH (with my background support, although I wasn't involved in the initial discussions, I though that was right) proposed a gradual change to the parenting plan, first adding one weekday and seeing how the kids do then increasing over time to shared custody at 50/50. DH proposed this to BM directly, with a request for her input, in order to try to avoid conflict so we could go to the court with an agreed plan. BM took a month to think about it and today sent an email to both of us flatly stating that she will not agree to change the custody. Frankly, I am more than a little surprised and disappointed. Despite the respect I have for her life choices and values and the challenges I have in dealing with her presence and personality, I have always had a great deal of respect for her willingness to act in the children's best interests and have had some amount of faith in that. Now, we are off to the mediator and then to the court, I'm sure, the lawyer says even reaching the mediator's decision will be a six week process, and it will involve interviews with not only DH but me too, but that's fine. What really hurts is that BM's unnecessarily introducing conflict when it is so clear that the kids should have more time with their daddy, and it is totally inconsistent with the values she generally professes. Everyone in this situation deserves more.
Thanks for all your kind words. In a small sense, I almost wish that BM was more "evil" like some of the BM's you all deal with -- that's not to belittle what you go through or to suggest that I would wish a bad mom on the kids, but only in the sense that it would make disliking her and the pain of this situation easier, more straightforward, less complicated. She is not evil; even though I disagree with some, okay many, of her parenting principles (although I stay quiet except with DH 'cause it's really not my place, it's his); but at bottom BM is a responsible mother who loves her kids. But, regardless, so is their dad -- he is the GREATEST DAD in the WHOLE WORLD. And the kids need their mom AND they need their dad!! I am sooo disappointed in how this has turned out, and soooo sad for my DH, SD and SS. They deserve better. Wish us all luck.
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Good Luck!
BEing a BM and a SM I can see both sides of this. May I suggest that BM is probably not agreeing more out of what I call selfish love. It's selfish in that she doesn't want to give up any of her time with the kids--even knowing that they will be in good hands with people who love them so much--I myself have suffered from it--It took me a while to realize that in my selfish love I was only hurting everyone else.
I think you stand a good chance in court. BM will probably miss the kids--I miss mine when they are gone--but after a while she will get use to it and when she sees the kids are doing well I think she'll come around. That is what happened with me anyway.
I wish you well
Alisha
Trust me, it is not easier when BM is evil
I wish you all the best in getting the parenting plan modified. I know this is difficult and it must be such a slap in the face when all along BM has been cooperative and suddenly now she won't work with you and do what she had previously agreed upon. I know it's heartbreaking.
Stay strong and please promise me that you will wipe that thought from your mind that this would be easier if BM were more "evil". She is human and she loves her kids so much it's hard for her to let them go. Try to put yourself in her shoes when you're frustrated and don't waste time and energy hating her.
We deal with a BM who is so vindictive and vile that she uses her child as a pawn against us to the point where the poor little girl has tried on at least 3 occasions (maybe more that we don't know about) to end her life because she just can't deal with the stress of her evil mother. It sounds like your skids are well-adjusted and faring well so please be grateful for that.
We are about to fight for custody given the severity of the situation, but it is going to be really hard because judges rarely ever want to take the child out of the current situation -- even though in our situation, the child is in danger!! It's just unbelievable. There is nothing "more straightforward" or "less complicated" about our case because BM is crazy. So please think of us the next time that thought creeps into your head.
Gray Areas
Caitlin, my heart goes out to you for everything you are going through. The thought I expressed is one of those complicated, non-focused ones that has many sides to it, as most real life situations do when you are not at the extreme end of the spectrum as you are. I have personally had to deal with enough evil people when I was a little girl to know that I would never wish an actual bad person on anyone.
I am not and would not dare to speak to your reality, I am speaking from mine. And my reality is that the gray areas in this situation makes it *in some small, theoretical sense* more difficult for me to deal with--I have had to manage evil people in my life, including a stepfather who abused me when I was little, and in my experience it was easier to categorize those people and essentially cut them off from my emotions because they were evil. That doesn't mean I wanted them to be evil rather than a mix of good and bad because it was easier to hate them if they were evil. That's not what I'm saying. I was also in danger, and I was not protected by those who should have protected me, and I cheer out loud when I read about you fighting so hard for your daughter. I would never belittle the pain and anxiety you must feel for your daughter, and hope with all my heart that you succeed. I *am* grateful for how wonderful my skids are and how happy they are, and I have said so many times. But I have to be able to express the complicated feelings in my heart, somewhere, and that is what I come here for. Trust me that my skids benefit from my being able to work through these things somewhere. Having people actually respond to my thoughts is a godsend, and does miracles for the "working through" process. Thanks for giving me your time and energy.
As for the rest, I do sympathize with BM, which is another complication, another gray area. But I also sympathize with DH, and I appreciate the recognition that he has just as much love and need for his children as BM. Her love should not trump his simply because she is a woman, he is a nurturing, loving, protective, and has a bond with them as strong as hers. They NEED him as much as they need her. I really, really appreciate the concept of "selfish love". That's exactly what it is, and I had had high hopes that BM would put the kids first, not her, and it hurts that she did not. You should see SS's face when he asks why he has to leave our house so soon, why he can't come here more often, and we have to give him a vague, loving response that changes the subject in order to avoid giving him any hint that there is a problem, when all we really want to do is tell him that we want him here more too and we are trying our best--something we can never, ever tell him because it is our job to protect him.
I hope I didn't offend you!
I understand everything you are saying and I agree with you 100% on all the points you made in your response to my original post. Thanks for taking some more time to clarify. I guess I was just trying to help you see that even thinking that "in some small theoretical sense" like you say, just isn't productive. I am not at all trying to discourage you from expressing all about your heartfelt feelings here. Keep pouring it all out - it helps! I really just wanted to help provide some ... I don't know ... clarity? perspective?
I know how you feel when SS asks why he has to leave and you have to protect him from the painful truth. Isn't it sad? SD begs to stay longer and it's just heartwrenching not to be able to say "we're trying!" I wish the system weren't so biased in favor of the mother. Like you said, a mother's love shouldn't trump a father's simply because she's a woman. Good luck with this. Given what is stated in the original plan about modifying later, it sounds like you've got a rock solid case. Not that going to court is a day at the park or anything. I hope it won't be too stressful!
Been there, done that
My BF is going through this same exact thing now, mediation to get 50/50 custody, so you have my sympathy. But instead of it taking only 6 weeks, here in my state it's going to take around 3 months! He feels that it is a NECESSITY to be a part of his children's lives at least half of the time, period. If his ex would allow it, he'd prefer to have them live with him full time and he'd still pay child support to her, but even then she won't do it.
Hang in there, be supportive to your DH and GOOD LUCK!
No Offense Taken
thanks for the concern and support, and the same goes back to you 100 percent. My thought is simply that, while I would never say that an evil BM makes life easier (!!), it sure makes categorizing one's feelings about her a more black and white exercise. If BM was mean to or neglectful of the kids, I would be heartbroken and outraged for them; at the same time, I believe I would be more justified and more comfortable with hating her. My feelings would be less about me than they are now. I still think this is a valid and useful thought because it helps me focus on what the gray areas mean and what the "right thing" to do is--for the kids, for DH, and also for me.
Good luck to both of you, to all of you. I grew up with my bio dad largely absent, and for any doubters out there, please believe me--kids NEED their fathers as much as their mothers. It hurts a good dad just as much as a good mom when the kids are absent, and it hurts the kids even more. We all know of situations where the dad is undeserving. But after being on this site for a few months, it has become crystal clear that there are many, many situations in which the mom is undeserving as well. There should be no presumption that the mom should have primary custody. My mom split custody with my brothers' father 50/50, not because it didn't rip her heart out--it DID--but because it was the right thing to do for them. They are better for it today. I, on the other, carry my father's "holiday-only" presence when I was little around with me as a scar, even though today we are on close and loving terms.