some would say, I think, and rightfully so, that my skids are STILL young and as they get older things will evolve and may become more difficult; I KNOW that is true, I was a hellashishly difficult teenager and if my SD is anything like I was, watch out! But we have so many sweet shared memories and we build more all the time. We camp and hike and fish together, and every year the BF and I travel with skids. We learn and win and fail together. We angst together and feel conflicted together about not being together more often, but also I try to help the skids understand their feelings about wanting to be with BM at the same time. I tell SD when she is struggling that it is ok to want to be with mommy, and to want to be with us too at the same time. It is ok, I tell her, and I love her and at the same time isn't mommy cool? (grrrr.) Every day that we are together we create new bonds that will hopefully be there for us to fall back on when the harder times come! I still hurt over the earlier times, when SS moved across from me on the couch, and to this day SD can kill me with a sentence -- no I don't want you to cut my fingernails, she says, that's a mommy job! But then SS throws his arms around me and says "you are my step mom, and I love you and I am so glad you are my step mom for real now!" (now that BF and I married) and boy, doesn't that help sooooo much. Every time I show up for a soccer game or a play, we create a new shared bond that makes us family.

I often tell BF when he agonizes over not living with his kids day to day as much as he would want to that he made his choices. He chose to marry this unsuitable person and he has to stand up to his choices and be a big person. And if he chooses to invite me in, he has responsibilities there too. Don't I have the responsibilities, too? Sometimes, OFTEN, it is so painful; at the same time, I made my choice when I agreed to be his wife and I try to remember that. It helps that he supports me and has never belittled my role in my skids life. I can't imagine doing this without that support. And neither, though it pains me to admit it, has their BM. She is misguided in many ways, and annoying and sometimes I hate her with a passion, but she does not poison them against me. And for that, I must be grateful too. I am not a religious person, but god or whomever bless those (on this site!) who struggle with so much worse! I would run screaming. And even with all of my "blessings", I still sit up at night every so often and cry myself to sleep for all the pain that has been, and for all that I can never have. SO HARD. Although, if 70% plus or whatever the stat is now for second marriages and steps, perhaps our struggle is more the norm these days than not. Sometimes, that in itself is comforting.

Saturday I COULDN'T do it, couldn't go to soccer and face 2.5 hours with the ex, her fiance, and her mom and dad. I work ALOT and don't have any time for family or friends, and so resent that in this set-up, I work work work hang out with BM and HER family work work work. It makes them seem like my primary social network which I REALLY don't want. If I were to go every time BF goes we would see them Tues, Thurs, Sat (soccer practices p/us and dropoffs, and entire Sats of games) and then either Friday or Sunday for the p/u depending on where we are in the schedule. Plus special events like last week's school open house, and kids' art shows and plays and spaghetti dinners and the dreaded kids' bday "friends" party. I think its great that BF is so involved with the skids' lives (neither of our dads were) and so I encourage his involvement in soccer and everything else but I HATE that our lives are so infused with her presence. So I go when I can muster the courage but sometimes I just can't, and I always feel relieved and VERY guilty all at the same time.

It is also hard with the skids looking past me to their mom and soon-to-be stepdad. I know they do that because BM and her fiance have them 75% time, and her fiance has the luxury of staying home with them all day (after 8 years of doing the same BM went back to work a couple of months ago), so they are still in the gravitational pull of BM and her fiance's caregiving. When they are with just BF and I it is a totally different story, we are all loving and connected, but when BM is around for SD esp. her attention is directed to BM and she wants BM (or BM's mom, SD's grandma) to meet her needs. It is natural, I know, and SD is not mean or disrespectful to us, just focused elsewhere. Lately SS has been same way with BM's fiance, focused on him instead of BF. After yesterday's soccer BF comes back in a v. bad mood because skids kept running to BM's fiance during soccer water breaks, instead of BF. And BF says, I know I should be happy that skids are so loved and happy, they have no idea that there's any tension or difference between the families, but it really, really hurts when they run to him. OUCH. That made me feel terrible for him and so bad that I wasn't there to support him. He is right, there is nothing that can or should be done, but it just bites. I would give anything to have a situation where it was just me and BF and skids, and no BM. But that wouldn't be best for the kids, I tell myself over and over and over. I grew up without a dad and I would never wish that disconnection on them. But I sometimes fantasize about living a "normal" life with a nuclear family, and grow depressed over the complexity of the "family" that I've chosen.