So I've been soooo supportive--the change to 50% custody (still progressing), the soccer coaching of SS's team, protecting the kids from conflict--just a class a stepmom. Believe me, it's hard. Several emails exchanged today, then DH spent a half hour over at BM's telling the kids they are going to a new school this fall (SS got into a GATE program and both are being switched). It was MY IDEA that the two bios told the two kids together, as a team. I sent him over there! I thought it was best for the kids. I was totally supportive.

Granted, I was annoyed after having spent the day dealing with custody details, emails between BM and DH about the school change and the custody change, even an email from BM's MOM asking about the SOCCER SCHEDULE--hello, can you not ask your daughter? I am so sick of living day in and day out with BM and her goddang family.

Last night I try to talk to DH about how, specifically, with 50/50 we are going to handle the time between after school and when we can realistically leave work. We are both owners in our firms and there are some obligations that are hard to work around. We'd talked last year when we started the custody thing about my changing to part-time (which I've wanted to do anyway, to start rolling into writing or consulting), enrolling the kids in some interesting activity after school, leaving work early on those days, some combination of these things, but the custody thing dragged on soooo long that the details became unimportant. It's been almost a year! So now it looks like it's going to happen and I tried to talk to DH about what, specifically, we were going to do--which he has to present in custody mediation Wednesday morning--and all I get is "you can't go part time we'll never move out of this house" "no I don't have a plan, no I don't have any thoughts" "no, I don't want to talk about it" gripegripedefensivegripedefensivegripe

Fine. Knock yourself out. Good luck with the mediator day after tomorrow.

So today he toddles off to his big "family meeting" with BM and the skids while I stay home alone feeling like I did the right thing to send him off but also feeling sad.

What really pissed me off was this: tonight, as he's telling me how the new school discussion went he says "oh and BM mentioned soccer logistics" What? "Well SD wants to go to SS's first practice on Thursday."

The deal is, DH is SSs coach for the first time ever this year. It's been a really, really big deal. I've watched the kids so he can go to coaching clinics, pick up soccer gear. I've helped remind of him of deadlines, organize the team list, helped him call parents, find an assistant coach, all the details. I've talked about how excited I am to be helping him with this and being part of the "team"--coach's wife! I've talked about how I excited I am to go to the practices with him to get to know the other parents. Just this morning as SS left to go to his mom's, I said see you Thursday honey! You know why? It's your first soccer practice. Of course, I wouldn't miss it sweetie. DH standing right there, responded to the comment. Of course, he already knew I was going, after the last two months of excitement, right? Riiiiggghhht.

So what does d*ckhead say to BM as he's walking out the door after the big new school talk? "Well, I'll be too busy coaching to watch SD so you'll have to make other arrangements"

Ex-freaking-scuse me? What the hell am I, chopped liver? Um, why did it not occur that Gwen would be there the whole time and could watch SD?

No, DH doesn't have ANY issue with me watching SD, he just plain old effing forgot that I had anything to do with the whole deal! Plain old effing wrote me off as a player in his little family drama. Just forgot about months of excitement and planning. Yes, he's just a dense guy. Yes, he's just lame. But he's lame in a way that really, really, really hurts. Why in the name of all that's holy should I effing put out all this effort, rearrange my life if all he's going to do is disrespect me, forget me, omit me, diminish me.

It's always been this way. Halloween the first year we were engaged he tells BM "sure I'll come to your house and taket the kids trick or treating in your neighborhood" Where do we live, a goddamn federal prison? It's always like that. What really hurts is that his default is minus me. After nearly five years together, and one year of marriage. I am not really family, and this is not home. No matter how much time I spend caring, tending, loving, wiping tears, playing, teaching. No matter how much love and support I give. No matter how much I sacrifice. I will always be second. I feel forever robbed of ever getting to be one of the "core" in a family unit. I try so hard to do the right thing, and all I get is kicked in the stomach.

He can't do the 50/50 custody thing without me, but in his mind I am still peripheral. What a d*ckhead. Perhaps I should have said no to this second wife/stepmom thing, left him to be forever managed by his ditzy ex wife, who would have been happier than a pig in you know what to continue to manage his calendar, his parenting, his vacations, his parenting etc. etc. B&stard. I am so unhappy. As the anger subsides, it's just a great big old wound that has roots that go back several decades, and his failure to even consider me as a factor unless I bitch, nag and manage just keeps re-opening this stupid pain. I am so sick of being peripheral to everyone. I've never, ever been number 1, to anyone. I always thought that being married would fix that, finally I'd be number 1. I don't mind sharing the spot with his kids, but to be constantly overlooked, as a default, is just humiliating and painful.

I HATE THIS.