Eye opener!! but at what cost!?!
SD's and mine relationship is getting better, but I had a HUGE :O eye opener this weekend.
The MIL came for a weekend visit and she and DH finally saw the attitude I have been receiving from SD. I am finally getting used to her and so my feelings of resentfulness towards her have not been as strong. BUT I realized that my feelings of resentment have been projected onto her! Now I feel even worse, the poor child. I have never been given the chance to realize that because she would only be here for a week or two, but now WOW :O that is all I can say. Onto how I came to that realization.
DH and I have been fighting for custody of SD for a little while now. Mom is a meth head and so we do believe that she shouldn't be living with BM. ANYWHO... MIL came for a visit... we hadn't said anything about BM for a while, SD hadn't said anything too big about her, but then she began to really talk about her and I realized the resentful feelings were welling inside of me... I know.. I know stupid but I REALLY HATE BM. AND SD looks JUST like BM. They could, literally, be twins. OK moving on, so then she started the attitude, but MIL noticed that it wasn't really attitude, it is that she tries to be grown up. What I mean by that, is that BM has treated SD, who is 10, like an equal and always telling her all her problems. Whether they be marital or work problems, she used SD as her confidant. I don't think that is right, but I never saw it that way, I just thought it was a 10 yo giving me attitude. DH is hardly ever home and so he is never exposed to her episodes and thinks I over exaggerate when I "report" to him. (By me saying report is my way of catching him up on the day's activities that he missed out off)
MIL tried explaining to SD, this is HER Bio grandma, that she is only 10 and that she should not be speaking to any adult that way, especially mom & dad. OMG, SD just about lost it. She was soo quiet and had these "crazy" eyes. She was upset that she was being told that she wasn't to be involving herself in adult convo's and that she should try & be a 10 yo.
FORWARD to today... BM call DH while I am out with the kid's and he informs her that she should sign over custody of SD before it reaches the courts, BM tells him to go to hell... not in so many words. She also goes on to tell him that SD shouldn't be calling me "mom" because she DOES have a MOTHER. Also that part of her rehab from drug addiction is to get her life back together and regain lost contacts and relationships with loved ones.
Ok, 1.) if she is "recovering" then how is she going to take care of a 10yo? Shouldn't she be taking care of herself first?
2.) this kid, SD, finally has a mom & dad in the same house that do NOT argue and love each other AND we are not afraid to show it.
3.) DH told her we are not looking to take SD away from her, but we do want primary custody in order to ensure that SHE will not run off with SD and ruin her chances at a "normal" life
Before dinner time DH lets SD speak to her mother and BM starts telling her that her feelings are hurt when she calls me mom and she how could she do that... I can see the pain in SD eyes. She is also feeding her some bullcrap about her being the hospital with kidney problems, and that is why SD and she siblings had to be taken away from her. AND how she is all better now, so she can be her mommy again ans she no longer needs me. She also tells her that she has bought a house by the ocean and that everyday will be beach day. :sick:
We are lucky that SD understands that DH & I are trying to give her a "normal" life. She also said to me that she WILL continue to call me mom, but that she really wants to go with her mom. DUH!! me too, if every DAMN day is going to be a "beach day". BTW she lives nowhere close to the beach! GGGRRR, not sure what to do or think, things were getting so much better between SD & I, I am getting used to her and vice versa! Now this?!
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Boy SMofknowitall -- you're
Boy SMofknowitall -- you're just full of such helpful advice -- you should be a therapist or something.
Agreed.
Agreed.
Hi GTR, It's always nice when
Hi GTR,
It's always nice when you can see where issues are coming from. With my resident Skids, they too tend to want to be grown ups during some conversations...they are always butting in & I am forever having to tell them "watch your tone of voice short one, you're 7/8", "ummm...yes, but you're 8", "I'm not discussing xxx with you, you're 8" or "I'm sorry, this is a grown up topic, go be a fun-loving 7 yr old" & my favorite is "Nunnya child!".
As far as her calling you mom...that's a tough one! My skids either call me by my given name or they call me another name they made up with SO for me...not my fave, but oh well. I will not have them call me "mom" because they have one of those...no, she doesn't call but once a month, she sees them for less than a week in a year but she's still the woman that birthed them whether she likes it or not...have you thought of maybe having a name that she can call you that isn't mom?
Be prepared for back & forths with your SD...every time BM Nasty calls either SD7 or SS8 (hell, both when I'm really lucky) turn into god awful heathens. It takes a day or two after phone calls & a month after visits to get them back to the kids they were prior to their "visit" or time talking with their BM...it's bound to happen & it's just something that I've slowly learned to accept.
My SD7 has her mother's attitude (better than everyone else/the world should revolve around me/who do you think you are/it's not about me so it doesn't matter)...she also looks alot like her BM. This is not a reason to be cross with her, it's who she is. I simply reinforce that attitudes are not acceptable & reiterate that the world does not stop & go because she wills it. She's no better than anyone else & she can't treat others like crap. She's only 7...my my she's going to be a handful. What I'm trying to say is that you have to accept her for who she is...warts & all. We all get our bits & bobs from others (hereditary or learned) but we are still individual.
Keep smiling & good luck!
Anywho, thanks but I truly
Anywho, thanks
but I truly believe that she doesn't know what my really feelings are. She is always making comments of how things here in our house are normal AND so NOT like her other house. She has said that she likes that she has a mom and dad that tuck her in at night, and that I do her hair, take her shopping, and cook every night. She also commented to one of my girlfriends kids that it's nice that I treat her and BS4 the same. I try as hard as I can not to show her that I HATE her mom and reassure that I am here. I am a grown-up and know how to act my part.
As far her calling me by another name, I am not sure how that would fly. She has been calling me mom for years and I think it would be difficult for her to all of a sudden call me something different. Also, it was BM's idea she call me mom. I am not sure why she is laying all this on her now.
I know I have conflicting feeling towards SD, but I am trying to sort them out. Like I said, I try to be fair with both kids and I give them both what I can equally. I tuck her in just like I do BS, and I kiss her goodnight, just like BS.
It's great that your SD feels
It's great that your SD feels that way about you. Don't even try to figure out what BM is thinking...when Nasty found out SO & I were seeing each other, she actually said "well, now the kids can have a MOM!"...2 months later she was mad that I had one of them writing sentences! Seriously, they make NO SENSE!
It sounds like mom it is
I didn't realize how long you'd held the title. My SD wanted to call me that but she was also saying things like "well, you're my mom now" & that upset SS8 so I told them to come up with a word that STARTS with an M but isn't MOM/MOMMY. SO helped them come up with one...it's mumsy...SO thinks it's hysterical because I lived in the UK for 5 yrs so I have a sometimes accent (funny when it swings between normal, Texan then English). It grates on my last nerve, but the Skids like it so oh well 
Trust me, I understand the conflicting feelings...it's so hard when you see their mom not only in their looks but in attitude as well. I'm telling you though...the "You're x yrs old, please act like it" sentences really work, as do the "really SD? I don't recall asking you" ones!
It helps now that DH has seen
It helps now that DH has seen her attitude, but what helped most is that HIS mom saw it. DH seems to listen more to others than he does to me. When I would tell him about SD's attitude and how she was acting he would tell me that I was exaggerating, but now that he has seen it and MIL point it out to him he is a bit more firm with her. It has also helped with that fact that DH has taken more of an active role in parenting her. He works too hard and so anything that needs to be done with the house & the kids fall on me. I am sometimes my DH's personal assistant, I make any appointment that he needs and remind him of them. This is all on top of my regular 9-5.
I finally told him that he needed to be the primary parent. I said that I hated always being the bad guy and so he needed to be actively involved. He was going to argue his point, but I shot him down with "you'll never understand that it means to be the outsider, I am the step, I am the BITCH. If you get after her YOU are daddy, she'll get over it" He shut up and said ok. Things seems to have gotten better since.
I am not the only one that calls her out when she starts to involve herself in adult convos, her step-grandma does also. She is also VERY NOSY. She is used to her mom telling her EVERYthing that she wants to know EVERY LITTLE thing that DH & I talk about. It's aggravating.
We did start taking her to therapy, she LOVES it. What I think is humorous is that she is dying to tell me what she talks to her therapist about, but I keep reminding her that what she says is between her and the therapist. I don't want it biting me in the a$$ if she tells me what they discussed and then it hinders her making any progress. Thank you all for your advice and helpful opinions, I appreciate it.