Am I crazy to expect the adult stepchildren to help when they live here!
This is my first post and I am at my witts end! A little background I have a daughter from my previous marriage she lives with my new husband and I and his 2 adult children one is 26 the other turning 21. I moved into his home 6 hours away from my home, he does everything for everyone but especially for his adult kids, when we first got married his daughter (19 at the time) would text him in the middle of the night to "bring her a glass of water" he would actually do it! She hates me and I can honestly say I don't feel much differently about her. She works from home, as do my husband and I, she will come downstairs make her some food, leave the dishes and go back to her "office" this is a daily fight as I refuse to clean up after her. We have had many fights and honestly our marriage sucks at this point over the "chores" I have had to write an actual chore chart giving all 3 "kids" duties in the house because I refuse to let my daughter feel entitled but I also want to make his kids see that I am not their cheif, maid or doormat. Whenever I get pissed at things falling back to our old routine of babying the kids his daughter ends up in the ER with some new made up sickness (6 times in the last 3 months). I hide in my room during her breaks with work so I don't have to tip toe around her. She will actually walk in my room (door closed) and then use my bathroom rather than one of the other 3 in the house. She will take my laundry out of the wash and hang my bras up on the doors so that she can use the laundry room (not on her scheduled days). I have no privacy, nowhere safe that is mine in this huge house! We have had sit down talks with the rules, I finally started charging for their share of groceries but she never pays when it's due she will wait until the first of the following month. If my husband and I want to go on a date he will tell them exactly where we are going and when we will be back like we need their permission, am I nuts to think that I am old enough not to need permission and that they are old enough to take care of themselves? What am I supposed to do because I honestly to the point my marriage is no longer worth the heartache and misery I'm feeling, I feel like such a failure my daughter absolutely loves my husband I think way more than she does me most of the time and yet here I am hating his kids. Any and all advice is appreciated ❤️
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Theoretically.. through
Theoretically.. through dating your SO.. you should have had some opportunity to see how some of his parenting played out. And.. you did move into a situation where he is allowing his two adult children to live at home.. I'm assuming rent free? I am also assuming your daughter is a minor? and not old enough to move out as one would expect most adult children to do?
Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome... your DH is a disney dad.. a spoiler.. he has raised his kids without expectations. Honestly, at this point, I think your choices are to either accept the way he has raised them and the boundaries he has set for them in his home..or move back out with your daughter and live separately.. and just date.
Unless he truly sees an issue with coddling his adult children then it will continue to be a bone of contention. All you can do is focus on your own child really and if they won't clean up after themselves.. then your DH should do it for them.
Yes my daughter is 13, SD
Yes my daughter is 13, SD lives rent free SS gets charged rent which also makes no sense why one is charged and the other is not. Thank you for your advice.
It maybe that the younger
It maybe that the younger child was "going to school" or some other reason why at the younger age he was not charging her vs her older brother who is at past 25.. a lot more expected to no longer be living at home.
I think I would reverse my course.. these two layabouts cannot be a good influence for your own child!
What's the launch plan for
What's the launch plan for getting the adult kids out of the house and living on their own? And do they have the skills they need to live on their own? Or will Daddy be glad to have them under his roof so he can take care of his "babies" forever?
Your future will depend on his expectations of his kids.
Before we got married he had
Before we got married he had a talk with them and told them they need a game plan to be out within five years (that would mean within the next 2 years) problem is they have made no effort to save for that or to my knowledge plan for it. SD was supposed to be going to school and working and could live rent free accordingto the deal DH and she had, she has since dropped out of school twice (she did try to go back again but her grandparents said they were not forking out the crazy amount of money she assumed they would give her) so she changed jobs so she works from home(she also tried to talk DH into paying her bills for 90 days so she could take a mental health break, which he said no). She has a boyfriend that she spends her weekends with so we only see her long enough to make messes, eat and use the laundry the rest of the time she pretends to be an adult. They both should know how to take care of themselves on their own but honestly I think he has babied them to much and they can't do some of the simplest things for themselves like (dump steaming water off of noodles)
Ugh, two more years. And it
Ugh, two more years. And it doesn't look like that will be enforced.
Their dad needs to make it CLEAR that they need their own place. HE needs to sit down with each of them, sketch out costs and make a plan. If he's generous, he can offer first month's rent as an incentive. Then periodically put apartment ads on their beds.
You can present it to him that he can live with his children or with you. Not both. You can still date if you want to. But cleaning up after other adults is a no-go for you, and their behavior is not what you want your own to model.
No you are not crazy !!! For
No you are not crazy !!! For me being a parent or a steparent, one of the things you are teaching the children is reponsibilty... Having adults clean up after themselves when they make a mess in the kitchen is not asking for something outrageous.. It is teaching responibilty, but also it is simple respect and decency for people living in a common area.. Sadly I had this same exact battle in my home.. My wife has 3 adult children, ages 24, 21 and 18.. All living in the house rent free.. And none cleaning up their mess.. ( or quite frankly having any resposibility in our home at all..) I never asked anything from any of the children..In 8 years.. Finally I asked my wife to have them clean up.. Her answer was that she would clean the mess when she got home from work.. Well to me that just did not work.. As I work from home, and everytime I would go to the kitchen.. It was a mess.. My wife was enabling this behavior, by giving them a pass on this and pretty much all responsibilty.. I call this "endless adolescnce"... Long story short.. I am no longer married.. I had a wonderful marriage to this woman.. Except she just would not make her children(adults) do anything they did not want to do.. I tolerated this for a while, but eventually it bubbled up and became a big issue.. She refused counseling and would not bend at all.. We are now divorced.. A narrative was created that I did not like the children.. Which to them was an easy way to demonize me.. I hope you can find a resolution for this issue, It may seem like a small thing.. But it is not.. And if it is not dealt with, it can grow and become a cancer on you union.. I wish you the best of luck..
Thank you for your
Thank you for your understanding! Luckily my husband does try to get them to "adult" sometimes but somehow they always know how to make it look like they have done more than they do. For instance my young daughter and the adult daughter share a bathroom so they are supposed to take turns cleaning it but my daughter is constantly saying her side doesn't get cleaned, his daughter swears she does it so I went and checked and my daughter was right her side of the sink area wasn't cleaned, the toilet got a wipe down with a clorox wipe and the bath/shower wasn't cleaned at all so I made him come and look at her "clean" bathroom. He had a talk with her and Saturday she did clean but I know it won't stay that way she will do the same in a month when she thinks no one will look and for some reason he will belive it until I show him again. It's amazing how the small things add up to such big things.
Its called
Death by a thousand cuts. Its not just the one thing, its all the little things put together. One idea that sometimes comes up is - hire a houseleaner and have your husband pay for it. And then its up to him to "collect" from skids.
Also, launch plans. Enforcement. All this needs to come from your husband. And if things do not change, go find your own place with kiddo and date him. But you MUST follow through if you threaten.
Its kind of like you have housemates that you are supporting. Thats how it feels right now with SD-almost 6. The only time she does anything to help out is if we ask (repeatedly) and if there is money involved. I stopped asking for anything, but lets just say, when she turns 16 I will be changing things up quite a bit.