Do you really want to lose your husband? I think that is so sad. I understand how you feel about the SS moving in, I would feel the same about my SD moving in. Truely, I would. But your husband is seriously looking for somewhere to live! How will your bio children feel about him leaving? Will they feel they have lost another father figure? I really feel for you.

My advice is to bite the bullet and tell your husband that you are prepared to negotiate for the sake of your marriage and because you love him. See a counsellor/therapist together and write up an agreement about what behaviour is acceptable and what is not, who will do what chores, and expectations about school attendance. Include treating other people with respect as a non-negotiable, and try to include one or two things for your SS's benefit i.e. you will knock before entering his room or maybe he gets to spend and couple of hours 'dad' time a week. Make sure you outline the consequences of what will happen if the agreement is not adhered to.

When your agreement is complete, invite your SS to join you and your husband, and present the agreement to SS as a united couple. Explain it is to try to make sure everyones expectations of the situation are met including SS's. When all parties are happy with the agreement, everyone signs it.

You are not letting BM win by choosing to negotiate an agreement with your husband regarding his child. Keep in mind that her bio son would rather live with you than her. Plus YOU have a loving husband.

Don't allow you pride to stand in the way of your marriage. If in the end it doesn't work out and your husband leaves to live with his son, at least you can say you did the best you could. Who knows, you may be able to show your SS a world of stability and love he has not known before.

All the best, let me know what happens.

I really feel you need an objective support person (who is not your husband) so that you can express your frustration, hurt and anger, and then look at the situation with the help of someone who has a different perspective. You can formulate a plan with your 'coach' for approaching each new issue as it comes up. You will feel more in control and able to express your needs and expectations more clearly. You have every right to feel the way you do, but the intensity of your emotion and anger will be frightening your hubby to death!

You don't have to do this on your own. Good luck

Well, I understand how you feel. You are fighting for your life here. Just like I have been fighting for mine for the past 2 years. Let karma deal with that sad excuse of a BM, and you just do the best you can.

We have experienced many of the same issues you have with your SS & BM. To the point of almost making us ready to sign into the hospital because we can no longer take anymore.

I made it very clear to hubby that although I know it is his son(s) & he loves them dearly, if SS(s) were to ever move in, I would take my kids and move out.

First off; my kids have been raised with structure. Rules & responsibilities go hand and hand around here, for this I have a respectful home because of their attitudes. Hubbys kids have not been raised this way...ever. They are rude & disrespectful of people & anyones elses property. We have a constant battle EOW while they are here because things are ALWAYS broken on purpose (15 & 12) and they are always calling others down...friggin idiots,etc., hubby & I included. It is downright embarrassing to take them anywhere because of their behaviors.

Second off; Hubbys kids think its alright to beat the crap out of one another....we have a hands off policy with the kids. We are continuously having to address this while they are here..they cant even sit in the same room together (skids) or the battle is on.

Thirdly; Schooling is important in this house. I expect you to put your best foot forward at school. Attendance is high, respect for your teachers is high, homework is high on the list. Skids are failing almost everything in school (not because they dont have the ability to pass, but because they do not apply themselves. Personally speaking, they are extremly intelligent kids...if they want to be). They miss months of school each year..just because. If they wake up and dont want to go to school, they dont. Attendance has been an issue for years...something the BM NEVER addresses. Homework is just a word to them, not a responsibility. Unless they happen to bring it here on hubbys wkend (has happened 3 times in 4 yrs that I have been in the picture)it does not get done. Let me point out, when it has come here, it has been by accident. They have brought their backpack for another reason, but we went through it and discovered the homework. This is another thing BM does not enforce in their home.

Fourth on the list; the BM. She has caused so much grief in our home you would have thought that she already lived with us. We have finally got some firm boundaries in place, providing hubby sticks with it. If SS lived here, that would be thrown out the window. Hubby believes that you should keep the other parent involved in the lives of their children....and I do too...but that is when the other parent is NORMAL and not PSYCHO. If SS(s) lived here & hubby allowed her to know what was taking place with the child, it would be hell. We wouldnt be doing this right or that right. It would be drama ALL the time, not just EOW.

Fifth on the list; If things didnt work out, BM would take me for support when SS returned home because I support hubby as he is not able to work....and this is LEGAL if I am a supporting adult to the child. I will NOT pay child support for their child(ren). I have my own who I raise and do not receive support myself. I will be dammed if I am ordered to pay BM one cent after the hell she has put us through..not a chance of this happening EVER.

Sixth; Relationship with hubby. We have had so many issues to deal with, him being injured to the point of not being able to work, continous harassment from the BM & problems with the skids, severe financial problems to the point where I can not keep things afloat much longer and we have our house up for sale & health issues myself, that I do not think the strain of having SS(s) would do anything other than distroy what little we have left as our emotions are drained. It would distroy what I have taught my children (also teenagers) & since there would always be drama in the house; they would never get the attention they need....period. So although hubby loves his kids more than life itself I am afraid that we too would have to live separately.

If things had of been differently with the BM on the structure in her home, supporting hubby in decisions we have made here to help the children, my thoughts might be different. But we have lived through hell already & I couldnt take it if it was anything worse than this.

I suggest you do some serious talking with your husband. Look at the worse case scenario because you have already experienced a monster in the making...it will continue in your house if he lives there.

My heart goes out to you.

Corie

I, too, was in just about the same situation as you. I married a man whose teen kids thrived on chaos. Chaos = CONTROL. School didn't matter. What mattered was to control the house and every situation they were in.

What I learned, after three painful years of chaos in my home, was that these damaged kids CANNOT CHANGE. They have no motivation to change...why should they? They know their legal rights and knew that we couldn't get rid of them until they were 18. And they wreaked a hell of a lot of havoc until then--almost destroying our marriage.

What makes my cry is realizing the toll this took on my BD, who was just 9 at the time. She was raised with structure, and learned early to respect others and do well in school. MY decision to allow these toxic people into our home has changed her life. Yes, now they have all been kicked out, but she carries with her the memories of their screaming, fighting, disrespect, drug addiction, alcoholism, stealing, and just plain scumbag behavior.

Luckily for me, BD continues to do very well and realizes that DH's kids were complete losers. Still, I feel so bad that I made her wade through their crap for three years. It wasn't worth it! She deserved my attention while I was dealing with all the chaos they created. They drew me away from what was really important--MY OWN CHILD.

I applaud your decision to have your H move out with his severely damaged SS. He'll learn very quickly what dealing with a screwed up kid really means! You can still work on your marriage, but in the meantime your own children won't be subject to the chaos that a problem child brings to the house. You will be in a much better place.

This is a really tough situation, & it seems like it's going way too fast for you. That can be overwhelming & can actually do more damage to your relationship with your DH. However, this kid is spiralling out of control & your DH wants to be there & be a father. My bioF didn't lift a finger to do anything for me my whole life so I respect a man who steps up for his kids - even if it is hopeless. Sometimes to deal with an issue at hand, you have to put other important things on the back burner for a time. Your DH's moving out might not be a bad thing for now, considering the whirlwind that is going on, & it might take all his energy & effort. Giving him the space he needs to concentrate on the problem might actually help. Giving him support - even from a safe distance - might be what he needs too. Going to counseling is an excellent idea. Keeping an attitude that this is just a season in your relationship might help as well. Just make sure you take time for each other often.

JMHO

Cajun Lady

Golden, You need to let them go. Next thing he will be telling lies about you and get you locked up. Think about what you are doing and put a stop to this nonsense. Those 2 people have destroyed him and now he will be allowed to move into your home and destroy your life and the lives of your children? Let the husband go and take the kd with him at least you will have some peace in your life.

I think I would try it without separating first. That would be a last resort. You have to remain united. I think, if your DH is on board and 100% committed to doing so, the two of you can create strong enough boundaries to keep BM out of your home. Your home is your sanctuary. You don't have to allow her unrestricted access to it, just because her child is living there. You can control how often and when she calls on the phone. You can decide how and when to respond to her emails. You can enforce a strict visitation schedule. You can get him into counseling and work on modifying his behavior without constant interference from BM. If your DH is weak and can't support this, then that's when I'd consider separate households, but if he's strong enough to draw a line in the sand between all of you and the BM, and really enforce that boundary, then you may not have to separate.

♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Although no ones problems are just alike, I've had alot of the same problems you are going thru now.

My out of control skids are living with me now. It's a very rocky road. DH doesn't like how a fuss at them. He says I'm to strict. I remind him that his job keeps him away from home so we'll have to do this my way. The kids are finally wearing down now. Everyday they mind me a little better, but we do have major flair ups after phone calls with BM and visits with her too.

BM dumped them on us after she could no longer control them and all her family refused to take them. This was after 4.5 years of her not letting them see us and poisoning them against us.

As far as BM goes I put my foot down 5 years ago. She would come get the girls and come in our house. Then she would make nasty remarks about thing we had in our home. I reminded her it was all mine b4 we married. She think we don't deserve nice things. All our money should be hers. And after she saw anything new, she would take us back to court for more and more money. Finally I told DH and Skids that she wasn't allowed in my house. That she could wait in the car or better yet we would meet her somewhere. That psyco witch hasn't been in my house since.

I say give it a chance. I remind the girls that they can't go back to there BM's. That they have a choice of minding me and we can do fun thing together or they can go into foster care since DH's job won't let him stay home to care for them. At one point I even told SD12 to go pack her bag and I would call Social Services. Instead DH got her to calm down and she was put on restriction for 2 weeks. But she started minding me!

Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns

I wouldn't be so quick to move him out yet, that should be a last resort. I would try the counseling again, and this time warn the counselor about what happened last time so that they are prepared. Your husband has just as much right to make decisions about counseling as BM does. I think having two separate households will just create all new problems. It sounds like you really love your husband, and I would hate to see you separated because of an angry vindictive teenager. I agree with many people here. Put down ground rules, and tell him flat out that if he doesn't follow them then he's out. And then follow up on all the conditions. It's either follow house rules and show respect or live with BM or Juvenile Hall, which is where he's headed. Also, I would lay down strict rules about how BM can communicate with you. Email only. Meet at a neutral place for an drop offs and don't even talk to her then. Don't let her into your lives!

Have you looked into boarding or military schools? If he keeps getting kicked out of schools it sounds like he could use some serious help. I have a friend who's a counselor at a boy's military school, and she has nothing but great things to say about it. She says so many messed up kids come in, and do have trouble adjusting to the structure and strict rules, but in the end the process works and the boys come out with a sense of responsibility and self-worth. It's just a thought. I've known a few people who've put their kids in the school, and they all have positive things to say about it. This might not be an option for you, but there might be similar programs around, and there are different financial aid packages available too.

Good luck and I will pray for you!

I was just re-reading all these posts and thinking about a conversation my hubby and I had before we moved in together. He was worried the fact he had 5 kids would scare me off, but he wanted to stress that his children would always come first and if I couldn't handle that, then we were not meant to be together.

The thought of 5 kids and 2 ex-wives was not something I was thrilled about believe me, but I loved him and I thought I could handle it. I remember telling him that I admired the fact he put his kids first, that they would always be welcome in my home, and that I would love them too, just because they were his. Ah, the old rose coloured glasses huh?

If I knew then what I know now, I would have said 'listen here buddy, I'm looking for someone who will ALWAYS put their marriage to me first. If you respect my right to make decisions about things that will affect my life, my right to respect in my own home, and my right not to have YOUR ex-wife be a third party in our marriage, then we as a couple will do our very best to ensure the happiness and well-being of your children, and to make sure you are a big part of their lives'.

I'm lucky that my husband, although its taken time, is realising that to make this situation work, he must put our marriage first. He has slowly made changes to the way he's dealt with the ex's and our relationship is much better. The skids haven't noticed a thing (dad has never missed a weekend EVER), but the ex's are absolutely filthy that they don't hold all the cards anymore. They up'ed the anti on their campaign of hatred, but are now realising that we will not back down and things are starting to settle down.

Phew! If I knew then what I know now...

Early in my marriage to DH he kept a lot of things to himself. Within the first year DH said he needed to move out by himself for a while. I couldn't figure out what was going on and he couldn't explain it. Three separate times he moved in and out. He would panic and move out and then panic and move back in. In the meantime, this tore my own girls apart. My oldest had considered him her only father figure. I knew there was more to the story though. Come to find out SS at BM's was getting into a lot of trouble - growing dope in his own closet, slammed his fist through a wall in his bedroom, threw a plate of spaghetti against the wall, hanging out with a bad crowd, cursing out BM and SD. BM allowed SS and his buddies to underage drink in the house. She says she didn't know about the dope thing. I don't believe that for a minute as she enjoys doing the same things. My DH did not want to tell me out of embarrassment because of how they are. How did BM expect SS to act with no discipline? DH felt guilty about the whole thing and thought he could get SS under control if he had his own place. But SS continued to run around with his friends not really visting DH at his place. DH made his bed he needed to lay in it. It wasn't long before he figured out this wasn't working either. He began seeing a counselor who set him straight. He came home and we haven't had a problem since. Now I fear we may go through something similar with SD. She defies BM at times - who can blame her- and has refused to go home a few times. I wonder why. Anyway, the root problem being BM and her lack of discipline. In my case, my DH needed to refuse to let skids run his life. After they're grown, who will he be with? Me. And it would not be a good thing for him to piss me off! Counseling is in order here I believe.

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry" - Rita Rudner

Don't let the SS break you up. I wrote this once before but my computer keeps messing up. Set up the rules and let him come in, but if he breaks any, he has to go be a ward of the state! Don't pay to run two separate households, that will be another way to weaken your bond, allow the BM more access, with the goal being to break you guys up.

I agree with Harley. The SS will have to live with whatever he does now. You and DH will have to carry on with your own lives regardless. You love DH and vice versa, so let where the SS chips fall be up to SS.

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

You D.H needs to stand by you, there comes a point where parents have to let their kids learn the hard way.
Children grow up having their own lives, he is going to feel like crap when his son moves on without him because he GETS his own life.

Listen.. I went through this with my B.F a long time ago, He stood by his children and x..I knew nothing right!
I got tired of the battles and standing by him so I said Heck with it,
For 3 months that man sat alone waiting on kids to come around( and they did on THEIR conveience which was rarely), when he seen he had NO ONE then he realized my importance..

when they are older you can not live for the kids anymore, its differnt if they were 5 or 6 even 10 and 12 years of age, but when they are close to being 18 and older you got to let them exsperience that hard part of life on their own, and although it would be hard for hubby to turn the other cheek he has to, HE CAN NOT LIVE FOR HIS SON!

Our job as parents is to be a teacher..we tell them and give them the best of advice, but it naturally up to them to take it!

Hubby is making the wrong choice here, YOU ARE HIS WIFE!
Although it hurts him to see his son doing whatever he needs to back off and let him fall in sh*t and learn the hard way,
Is it easy to do? "NO",
Do we like to see other people hurt and struggle? "NO"
but its part of learning lifes lessons to grow up.

You are in a VERY bad spot, and I do know how you feel, and YOU come before the children when they are older.

When you married him you did not say " I do to him and son", and neither did he, he was not apart of the courtship other then being apart of you lives.

Sometimes..we have to let people go even when it hurts, but I tell you the truth..if he leaves...he WONT be happy in the long run, maybe hubby is going to learn a hard lesson in this like mine did,

This is a bad spot your in and I wish this on no one, but if he wont bend for you..Let him go and let him see it for himself!

I had to..and it was not easy..but I realized I was up aginst a losing battle, and I got tired of being at the losing end, So eventually I was sure to give him what made him SOOOOOO happy!

He wasnt so fricken happy about that decision after all, he drank more,sat alone ALOT!
waited on phone calls and arrivals " no show"...wanted them to stay for days at a time" they were busy"...and it will happen to your hubby to,son will have his own life..and thats when hubby will see what a BIG mistake he just made!

Good luck...I really feel for you~

" This is not the life I ordered".

Well done!

Staying and working through your problems is much harder than throwing your hands in the air and walking away.

You AND your Dh are to be congratulated.

as Borat would say HIGH FIVE!