Just a few thoughts on how my opinions and actions have changed over the years concerning the steps, their children, and DH ex. Actually changed a lot since we started this journey years ago.
There was a time when hearing "I divorced the ex because she ran around on me and got pregnant " was met with " What a terrible person she was" now it's met with " That's not true- you divorced because you wanted to marry the woman you were living with for several years."
There was a time when hearing "My grown children are such an embarressment to me because of their actions and behavior." My response was " You poor man, it's not your fault. that ex raised them to be that way and now they are grown,have little job potential,never married and numerous children." Today I would respond with "They followed the examples they were taught by their parents. Promiscuity,drinking,drug use, lies, dishonesty was acceptable behavior they observed and followed in the footsteps of on both sides."
There was a time when hearing " I missed out on raising the children because of the ex" was met with " Poor helpless DH" now I remind you that you chose to not work on the relationship and keep it together. That bruised ego of yours was the reason for stringing the ex along of a possible chance to work things out after she had an abortion. You were the one that made the choice to become a week end dad.
The list of changes in attitude is endless after all this time together. The steps and their children were an important part of my life at one time. Important enough to take in step grandkids when needed. Important enough to say "What ever it takes to keep family together becaues this is now my family. " Today I do not refer to myself as their grandma. I learned after quiting my 20 yr. job,exhausting much of a family inheritance to keep them out of the foster care system that they just return home. And when babysitting services are no longer needed the ex wife, her daughters, and DH no longer are at war with each other. If anything ,I am the odd man out.
Time does bring about changes. With age, the ex wife has become quite the grandma, Dh is not the wild child he was in younger years and the steps have managed to get their lives on the right track or at least an improved one.
Just the random thoughts of an older poster.