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Help!!

Girlmom3's picture

I don’t even know where to begin.... I feel like such a horrible person but I have finally lost my damn mind. I have been in my SD life since she was two years old... the whole first half of my relationship with her father we had her because her mom was in and out of rehab clinics and mental institutions in another state.  I’ll try to make this short. We’ve had a lot of problems with her.. with showing her privates in school when she started and all that. She lies constantly, about everything. I had her sister, she is mean to her and tonight was the final straw. I am 34 weeks pregnant. I bartender. I went to work a long exhausting shift, my legs and feet are swollen and I couldn’t wait to get home, my husband picked up some shifts at my bar for extra cash to help while I’m on maternity leave. I stop and get us a fun meal since it’s just us girls and a shake... we get home and I find a cup in the bathroom with poop and pee in it. She instantly starts crying and told me she did it. Her little sister also told me she tried to make her eat it. After lying to me several times she finally told me she tried to make her eat it but she wouldn’t.. Thank God!! I lost it, I lost all sense I had and I screamed and yelled and slapped at her. I am horrible. I can’t take anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Comments

Saint_Gus's picture

That girl sounds like a nightmare. I totally get wanting to slap her. That being said, I know you know this, but you should NEVER lay your hands on her. No excuses. Hopefully this doesn't blow up for you. I feel awful for you being pregnant, tired and pushed to that point. This is a situation you never should have found yourself in. If you choose to stay in this relationship/situation you really need to discuss/put in place plans so this sort of thing doesn't happen. First and foremost promise yourself you'll never allow yourself to be provoked to violence, no matter what. Promise yourself to walk away, make your husband come home, whatever. After making that promise to yourself you gotta forgive yourself. You lost your temper, you won't let it happen again. And lets face it, I am 100% non-violent, but this kid is gross and deserved it, if anyone does (which no one does, but damn that's just nasty). Take care of yourself and your baby. Make that priority#1. People make mistakes though. Especially when pushed beyond what anyone should ever have to deal with. Sorry this has been rambling, I'm just so shocked by disgust, sympathetic towards you and still feel pulled by my belief that violence is never the answer. But it happens. You're not a monster. It was a mistake

fourbrats's picture

the kids when all of this was going on? Has this girl gotten counseling for her issues? Did her mother abuse her when she was in her mother's care? 

I realize that her lying and behavior upset you but by slapping her you have now put the custody of your own children at risk. It doesn't matter the reason for the slap. One, you should never use corporal punishment as a tool to release your anger and two, slapping a child is considered abuse almost everywhere. 

Call your husband and have him come home so that the two of you can have a rational discussion. 

fourbrats's picture

missed a word in there. What about the rest? Who was watching them and how old are they? 

Girlmom3's picture

My husband worked almost 24 hrs straight I went in at 9 am so he was home with them until he brought them to me at work so he could work another shift. They’re 7 and 3... I am so beyond thankful that my 3 year old told her “no, she don’t like poop”... I’m a mess, I have had so many issues with this child. When she was younger she would go into these rages where she would hit and kick me and scream “I can’t calm down!!” Finally got passed that and now we’re dealing with new issues. 

SteppedOut's picture

I'm not sure what advice to give you. But this is A LOT.

I would have some serious issues with a kid trying to feed mine poop, especially one that lives with mine and is also about to live with not only my toddler, but newborn baby. (That being said, you knew before getting pregnant this kid was not stable.)

This is nowhere in the realm of almost normal. It's disturbing at best. Is this kid in therapy? If not, why the hell not?

SteppedOut's picture

Also... did your husband work 24hrs and then watch the kids on no sleep? That is not going to work with a high needs 7yr old and a toddler. Proof is this happened on his watch. 

 

Girlmom3's picture

He slept from 5 am until 10 am when they got up..but yes, I understand exactly what you’re saying. 

fourbrats's picture

can't work almost 24 hours straight and watch the kids properly (obviously). Hell I consider myself a "super mom" if you will and I wouldn't be able to handle that. At some point they were alone long enough for this incident to occur....did he fall asleep? This isn't blame, most people would fall asleep but he either needs a "dad's helper" or to not take extra shifts. 

And your SD needs counseling. Period. Is her mom involved at all? Because if she is I would be concerned that some of this is stemming from continued neglect at mom's house and would get a GAL to evaluate the situation or ask for supervised visits only for mom. 

thinkthrice's picture

have slapped her for real had she been my bios.. I have for far less.  Biodad should "cuff her ears" as they used to say in the good ol' days

 

Girlmom3's picture

Trust me! I am with you on this!!!! It was a lot better once kindergarten started and now shit has hit the fan again... I told my husband if things like this continue, I will not be here. It’s at that point. 

Girlmom3's picture

Her mom coaches her into things.. he probably did fall asleep. I feel she is mentally abusing her by putting things in her head.. she was in counseling for a short time and it did nothing. Her mom was always there and said it was them separating that was hurting her when they separated before she was two so idk I wouldn’t think she would remember anything about them even being together.. I don’t want her to end up really hurting my two and then I lose my shit for real. I’m hurt because I feel my only option is to just leave. 

SteppedOut's picture

This child NEEDS therapy. It's not going to be a "quick thing" (you mentioned she went just a short time). Do not have her bio mom at every session. Have your dh bring her on his time. Seriously, her behavior is bad.. really bad, but none of the adults responsible for her are helping her... but wanting her to "get better fast". Her parents are failing her. 

Without therapy she will not get better. If your husband refuses to bring her to therapy (regularly), she will not get better. Her behavior will likely escalate. And then yes, you should leave. Your children will be at risk for God knows what. 

If your husband wants to save his child and you want to save your marriage, you must INSIST therapy. 

JerseyGirl1970's picture

  You're a better person than I because there's no way in hell that I would have handled that situation with even the smallest modicum of grace...

I appreciate that your husband is stepping up to help out but the fact remains that it's not your circus and not your monkey and you should not have to deal with her bad behavior especially when you're already overwhelmed.

Much more concerning is that child flashing her privates to people because that's not normal behavior for a 7 year old girl. It sounds like she's seen some things that she shouldn't with her mother and makes me question whether she's been abused on her mother's watch...

Sometimes you have to use your head instead of your heart when weighing your options.

Best of luck.

tog redux's picture

This kid has been and is being traumatized by her mother, based on what you are saying. Find a competent therapist to work with, the school might help you find someone.  I get how upset you are about your own kids and why, but she’s a little girl that needs some help. 

At this point she needs constant supervision and can’t be alone for any period of time with your kids.  

Harry's picture

This kid needs therapy.  It really s doesn’t matter how she became this way.  It just can not go on.  I really don’t know if SD can be fixed.  I have little hope when this is going on at this age 

notasm3's picture

She must get some help but don’t count on it as a sure thing to make things better. SS was sent to his first residential psych treatment at 5 - his parents were still together then.   SS was in and out of so many treatment programs for years but still ended up in juvie for some horrid crime for 3 1/2 years. 

He’s had years and years of substance abuse and rage issues.   Ss’s mother worked for a major hospital and his grandfather was a doctor who ran another hospital.   Not all psych issues can be cured. 

SteppedOut's picture

Very true. OP needs sd to go to therapy as much as sd needs to go to therapy. OP is at the end of her rope (understandably, imho). She needs to find out if sd can get help or if this behavior is long term/forever. 

thinkthrice's picture

needs to go to prison... but she wont

 

Girlmom3's picture

I am going in the school in the morning and talking to someone to get some help. I’m praying that at least the counselor will talk with her. 

Harry's picture

 A school counselor is going to do nothing. She is to far gone for a school counselor.  She need may need meds at this point.   

shamds's picture

This is serious!! Do you know how much bacteria is in faecal matter? What happens if sd is left alone with bubs for a moment and forces faecal matter in her mouth when no one is looking. That child shouldn’t be in your home period!! She needs serious help to address these messed up issues

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

I agree with the others who say this child needs help. I'm a social worker with a lot of experience with sex offenses, and it sounds like this girl has been abused. Exposing herself to others, collecting urine and feces... those are two things that sex offenders (or people at risk of offending) often do. Intensive therapy, ASAP.